You are far from alone in this my friend. every time my wife has a bad mood swing, or her meds are not working for that little bit of time, (hours that is), she crumbles in tears and through broken crying speech ALWAYS reverts to "I told you not to ask me to marry you!" But I did. Less than 1 year ago. June 19, 2008 will be 1 year. At those desperate times in her mind she also wishes we could just go get an annulment. How on earth am I to respond? I just keep my mouth shut as much as I possibly can, but sometimes I slip, like today, when I returned with: " I don't know how to help you honey." which no matter whether I say anything or not is ALWAYS met with a quickly closing bdrm door, and I don't see her the rest of the day.
I will hand her one thing on this note, she is very consistent with the same message every time she feels the whole world hates her and she needs to close herself up to everyone. Heck, we never argue. There is NEVER a raised voice in our home. but silence is possibly worse. because I am always left WONDERING what's next. Right now I would really love to go in the bdrm and talk to her, but she won't talk. she'll just tell me to go away, or worse, she'll get out of bed, grab her keys and SHE'LL go away. again, leaving me dumbfounded as usual on what to do next. I am so use to this for the past 3 years we've been together it's the norm when her mood takes a digger. that's not often mind you, but on weekends, it's pretty darn consistent though I guess, so yeah, every weekend would be considered OFTEN I reckon. ha!
no laughing matter I know. I don't laugh about any of this. nor do I share it with anyone except the ONE person she has granted me permission to discuss it with, a mutual really good friend who lives a long way away, so he and I talk on the horn a bunch over the years about it all. It is also very tiring, and often disappointing. for instance, this morning she wanted to go out for pizza and go to a movie (HER IDEA THERE!). I jumped for JOY and thought (and expressed of course) GREAT, let's DO! then shortly after church, she closed up, and everything changed. what happened between her WANTING TO GO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, something we get to do only a few times a year. So it's not like either of us "go out on the town" or anything. She really hates it when I ever carry on a conversation with another woman. That has always triggered these episodes in the past when she sees or hears about me enjoying idle chit-chat with some lady I don't even know. Not that I have the "gift of gab", I am just a naturally friendly guy, but I never care to "get to know" another woman.
Kind of like Billy Crystal's response in City Slickers when the blonde gal introduces herself to him, and he replies "I'm married." Is my big shiny white gold ring on my left hand not enough to deter this emotional impact on my wife? Obviously not. my wonderful wife, and she IS a really wonderful woman who I love dearly, refers to my ring as a "golden stop sign." It would be nice if she would trust me. I have NEVER given her grounds not to. except one time when I woke up in the hospital from all the drugs in post-meningitis state and was suddenly kissing my old girlfriend who showed up next to my hospital bed. I had no idea what the heck was going on. I was drugged and delirious and a wreck. feeling like having been hit by a train and dragged along for while, and later having that held over me for a VERY long time. she really hated me for letting this woman kiss me. I was as alert as a stump in the forest when I was in the hospital. but that was then. this is now. and the usual closing of the bdrm door is back too. she REALLY hates it when I come in to talk or as her ANYTHING when she is in her little place of solace away from the world.
all that said, the forever return to "I wish you never would've married me!!! I told you not to!!!" gets old, but this is not easily remedied. so I keep my mouth shut again as much as I can, and only occasionally let out a peep of concern when a LOT of ice cream (called comfort food) is consumed. She hates how she looks, and just like this morning's phone conv. with her mom, who I also adore, when she said "Chuck's taking off the weight and I'm putting it on." It saddens me to see her make things worse for herself. those of us non bipolar folks can't understand why someone can't just do the obvious, not give in, and just convince yourself eating tons of junk food instead of carrots or something is NOT GOOD FOR YOU. bad physical health undeniably affects mental, spiritual, and physiological health too. she has been having horrendous dreams lately, so her physch doc put her on Prazosin. I don't know how much or anything about her dose, she doesn't talk much to me ever really. converstions in our household are unbelievably rare, and YES, I am well aware of the integral importance of communication. believe me. I could write yet another of the few million books on the subject. but she is so closed up I can't ever make any headway in the talking dept.
my wife also is almost done with her job at a middle school that I can't even begin to describe how bad it has been for her. she hates k12 regardless. we don't have kids, and never will due to both our mutual disinterest and her physiological inability to. we are both also currently looking for work closer to her potentially ailing parents, again, both of whom I really like a lot. I get along with her whole family very well, although she can't stand two [very visable] sisters, but her third sis and brother and parents she loves.
I really begged the Lord this morning in church and last night before I went and laid down next to her to somehow grant me the ability to find my own strength within to only see the truly lovely, loving, very caring, adoring, true, wholehearted 'n geniune to her ethics and beliefs wife at ALL TIMES. It hurts me when I criticize her silently in my mind as she lives solely on ice cream and pepsi for a few days straight, and WONDERS WHY she is suddenly feeling crappy for a week afterwards. she never realizes or makes the connection and I cannot convince her of the importance of good eating habits. It also has not stopped raining here for about a week, which as you all know very well, does NOT help moods any at all.
I ONLY have the truest praise for my wifes ability to always have a focus and insight on what really is best for her. I say I cannot convince her, but that is because she already knows better than anyone what exactly she 'should' be doing vs. what she 'is' doing to herself. she is an amazing brilliant woman with a very commendable grip on how things are supposed to be, and how they are in contrast. I hope when we move away from here and maybe buy our own home and have prosperous work for both of us somewhere in the next couple of months that she can "start over" with a positive attitude. she so dearly wants that for herself and for the both of us. see? she knows. where she works is an awfully negative environment, to which she tried but failed to NOT be affected by. a valiant effort indeed, but the system is too strong and makes every effort to make her life miserable.
All she ever wants is for me to go away and leave her. I married her because I love her, and more often than not, she very willingly shows her love right back.
anyway, life goes on. I'l check in with ya soon. been a while since I've been here I know, but been at least that long since there's been such a problem for so long. I guess, not that that makes any sense.