My name is Sarah and I've suffered with Bipolar II for a long time now - I was diagnosed 10 years ago in my late teens. I have been coping quite well until recently thanks to living an incredibly structured life. I started a new job with lots of responsibility, where the other manager lived 300 miles away (?). The company was completely lacking in structure, and although part of my job was to instill this, no one would follow the rules and procedures. This, coupled with being loaded on with everyone else's work load, has just left me falling into a heavy depressive episode.
I was going to resign but they have saved me the hassle by launching a disciplinary against me due to unfinished work - not difficult seeings as I've been doing three people's jobs! This has left me feeling very down and guilty. I have some great support who are helping me to see through the fog but it's difficult right now.
I'm just feeling so lethargic. I can't be bothered to do anything. I've been off work for three weeks now and I just sit on the sofa, watching the clock tick by on my laptop. Sometimes I sleep, other times I just zone out. Right now, my stomach is rumbling but the effort of going into the kitchen, only to find there is nothing to eat anyway, is too much. At best, I might open a tin of beans and eat them cold. I'm also gripped by thoughts of death - my own, my families, other peoples. The thoughts of finality and nothingness. It's all getting a bit much and I'm starting to have panic attacks and lose control.
I went to the NHS Crisis Team on Monday which was as useful as a chocolate teapot. I saw two "mental health practitioners" who having looked up I realised aren't even nurses. They told me they didn't think I suffered from a depressive illness. I've been under the care of three different psychiatrists, numerous GPs and plenty of nurses. This is the first time anyone has suggested I'm not ill. Even though I tell myself that these women aren't even medically qualified, let alone knowledgable in bipolar, it has sent me spiralling. I've started to wonder if maybe I've been psychosomatically making myself ill all these years. It's left me feeling pretty messed up. I went because I'd spent the night before scared I was going to black out and kill myself. I kept thinking about the knifes in the kitchen and getting hysterical.
I'm sorry I've rambled on for so long - I just don't really have anyone to talk honestly with about my condition. I look forward to getting involved around here.