i'm ready to lose it!!!!!

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New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/9/2008 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
confused  Hi.....
I'm new to this forum.Never really was the type to go into these things.But I just need some advise!
I am so confused and hurt!
I have been "married" for over 6 years.
Our relationship was bad from the beginning,but I stuck with him because I loved him.
We have been through some tuff fights,but in the end,made up and tried to remember the reason why we were together.
He left on a trip out of the country to "fix" a problem he was having(health issue)
The plan was for him to come back,recover,and then try to be the husband and father he hadn't been!
Then as the day of his return came and went,he decided not to come back!!! Left me and 4+ kids high and dry!!!!
At first he used his family to communicate to me,but now he emails me.Instead of apologizing or trying to explain,he starts wanting to fight! Asks me why I said this or that to his family.
I try to change the subject by talking about the kids,ect,but he seems to have alot of anger!
I have gone back and forth between recentment and sadness to flat out anger!
I didn't find out he was bipolar til a little ago,but he has hurt me so much emotionally,that even though now I know why,it is all collected inside!
I feel like i'm on this eternal roller coaster that I don't know when it's going to turn,go up or go down!!!! :o(
At first,I was mad he didn't come back and left us with so many plans and hopes.Then switched to being kind of happy he wasn't here to fight with anymore.There are days when I go to bed at the end of the day and feel like I am better off with out him.But then there are times when I just cry myself to sleep.
Moments when alot of bad memories attack me in seconds,and times when I wish he was here to see when our baby starts to crawl! Am I going crazy?
I feel like my head is going to pop. I try to take one day at a time,but really feel like their's not much to look foward to the next day!
I think that if it wern't for my fear and faith toward God,I would have ended my life LOOONG ago!

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/9/2008 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Dontunderstand...welcome. This is a supportive place. It also is a place you will hear a lot of truths. Some you will want to hear, some you may not.

I am sorry you are going through so much. I am the wife of a BP, and a mother to one as well. I hear the pain you are in, the confusion, the ying yang feeling you are experiencing inside. So here is the best advise I can give you. I understand he has opted to not come home and take responsibility for his life. If he wanted to end the marriage, he should have manned up and done so. But...to abandon his responsibility as a father...all bets are off! If you want stability back into your life, into your emotions, and for your kids....YOU choose to opt out from him. What I mean by this is...he has revealed himself to be the kind of man who behaves this way. BP or not, he is STILL responsible for his choices. YOU as his wife, and the mother to his children, DO NOT have to put up with it in any way. By you choosing out, you are saying to yourself you are not waiting for him. You are not waiting for answers (that will probably never come, or make ANY sense if they do), you are not waiting to "see" what happens next, you are not waiting to stabilize your home. Once you make the choice you do not want him back, even if HE one day decides to try and come back...you are free. You are free to mourn the loss of the hopes, plans and dreams you once shared or made together, you are free to regain your independence, you are free to take legal action to protect your assets, your children's custody issues (for them and for you), and THEN you are free to let go and heal and find your smile again. Because it will not include him anymore...you are not waiting to heal or move forward...you are choosing to do it. (Keep in mind every day this controls you is a day lost in your life you can never get back) You need to decide whether you are willing to go through this kind of behavior anymore. If that answer is no...TIME TO LET GO FOR YOU. IF he ever comes back, he can certainly choose to attempt to be a father again...but by then, he will no longer have access to you to manipulate, control, dump on, or blame for his bad behavior or choices. He will reap the fruits of his choices ALL on his own. The relationship he will have with his kids will be whatever they will be based on his own actions. AND if he attempts to undermine...you will be strong enough to intervene for your kids...you will no longer protect him.

Now, is this sad...ABSOLUTELY. Will you survive...YES. Will you heal....YES. Will you find joy, a partner who values you, cherishes you, and loves you AND your kids....ABSOLUTELY. Now it depends on your choices about the kind of life you want for you. Is this it? If not, by YOU choosing out, he no longer controls your destiny...YOU DO. Does any of this make sense? Sadly, with BP, and a man not wanting to be responsible for himself, his condition or his life...this is what can happen over and over, and you need to recognize you matter too, and if this is not the life you want....you can stop and make a choice to let it go. Speak to an attorney to see about your options. You don't have to do anything about it, just learn about the choices you may need to make, and look at what is best for your kids. That in the end is the most important thing. Do you think a man who abandons his kids is what is best for them? If not, do something about it so they have one stable, constant and present loving parent. Protect both your future and theirs.

My best wishes to you. When pain comes, cry it out, dust yourself off and move on....eventually, the tears will stop as the heart heals, and you find your independence and joy again. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 5/9/2008 7:43:27 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/9/2008 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Let me welcome you to HealingWell. I'm so sorry for the chaos this man's choices have caused in your life. The BP may explain them to some extent, but it doesn't excuse them. We don't go unconscious when we're having mood episodes; we can still make choices, it's just that for many people their sense of conscience is turned off, things have little consequence. Nonetheless, we make those choices, and if we think about it, we know what's right and wrong, and your husband made his choice. Let me echo LFW and just say that now it's time for you to make your choice. Choose to move on without him.

May I also suggest a therapist -- someone to talk to while all this gets worked out? You could really use a little extral support right now. Keep us posted.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/9/2008 9:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for your opinion and encouragment guys....

This is what has me confused and yanking out my hair...

I know that the condition he has is to blame to certain extent.I know that it makes the one suffering itmentally unstable(just to put it in words)(please don't be offended those of you who are bp...)

But the truth is that he DOES know what is right and what's wrong!

He told his family that he needed time to "heal emotionally"
I can also understand that.Like I said we have been through alot!
But what had me crying tears of blood is the way he did things.
Before he left,he and I talked about things he was going to do upon his return. The last time we talked on the phone,3 days shy of his return,he still told me he loved me!

I know he is now looking for a job,and he has emailed me telling me that he knows his responsibilities.
But still no explanation or apology!
Oppisite to,he has said some very mean things to me!!!
I try to brush it off and change the subject.Try to convince myself that it's not the "real" him saying these things.

I think that one of my biggest mistakes was answering to fire with fire.
He would say one thing and I returned 3.
That and we never really had time for "US".

My mind says that the best thing is a life without him.
But my heart says-well,that's the tricky part!!!!
He gets on my nerves with the way he acts,and I would tell him the best thing was for him to leave. But now that he isn't here,I kind of miss him at times. The saying can't live w/em can't live w/o them is so right!

But my confusion is-if he were to show up at my door,would I let him in?
And if I took him back,would it be for love or because I am use to being with him/use to routine?

When he was here he would help me alot.Was a good father.
Which is another thing that has me confused!-Why hasn't he even asked me about the kids?!!!!

It's like someone snatched the one who left and put someone else in his place!!!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/10/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
"It's like someone snatches the one who left and put someone else in his place!"

That's as clear a description of living with someone in the thick of an acute mood episode as I could muster. Something did put someone else in your husband's place-- the bipolar. But it's complicated, because he's still in charge, he's still accountable for his behaviour.

For example, I'm just coming out of a deep, deep depression which took my personality completely away. I was absolutely flat -- no sense of humor, no passion, no laughter, no engagement with friends, nothing to say in conversations and normally I'm a pretty bubbly, silly, cheerful person. My husband kept saying that he just wanted his wife back. I was desperate to feel like myself again, I'd have done anything to feel better, but at no point would I have done something that hurt those closest to me. I still know, even in the thick of being my sickest, what's most important in my life.

No one but you can say if life will be better without him. He may be a good father, but I'd be asking how he could leave his children and not ask about them or want to talk to them or anything. Right now I think your best bet is to take care of yourself because whether or not he returns, you need to be strong for yourself and for those kids.

You will drive yourself crazy wondering how much of his behavior is the bipolar and how much of it is his own. Don't think of it that way. It doesn't work like that. It's all him. The bipolar simply takes our best or worst impulses and turns them way up.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/10/2008 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  Serafin
thank you so much for your post.
You helped clearify doubts that I had.
I  kind of thought that this was the case,but since I am not to informed about this condition,I at times felt selfish and unsupportive by thinking that it was his decision to act the way he was acting-and not completly the bipolar.
I just wish he could take the time to explain to me!
He tells his family that I finally got what I wanted.(Because I would "kick him out" after we fought)But we have had enormous fights in the past,and he always came back.And this one time that we didn't fight,is when he decides to leave!
And instead of me being the one who's angry,HE responds with anger in his emails!!!(even though HE was the one to contact me!!!)
I know he misses us.I know him like the palm of my hand.
(well,at least I thought I did!!! confused )
And he tells his family that he is suffering not being with us,but he shows me the complete opposite!!!
And just when I decide to not think about him,and try to move on,he writes me!!!
I don't want to hold grudges or live bitter.I do alot of praying.
I am so confused.Don't know what to expect or when!
I don't know what I want anymore! 

New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/28/2008 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm in a bit of a different situation than you, but also very similar. I have a wife who is bipolar and is constantly going off on for one reason or another. Constantly, I take the high road, but everyone has their limits.

I have my faith, but it's incredibly weak at this point. At what point do you say, "Enough," turn the page, file for divorce, and move on? Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I care for her deeply, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. It's been 3 years now.

*sigh* I wish you the best. And I hope both of our situations improve.
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