Dontunderstand...welcome. This is a supportive place. It also is a place you will hear a lot of truths. Some you will want to hear, some you may not.
I am sorry you are going through so much. I am the wife of a BP, and a mother to one as well. I hear the pain you are in, the confusion, the ying yang feeling you are experiencing inside. So here is the best advise I can give you. I understand he has opted to not come home and take responsibility for his life. If he wanted to end the marriage, he should have manned up and done so. But...to abandon his responsibility as a father...all bets are off! If you want stability back into your life, into your emotions, and for your kids....YOU choose to opt out from him. What I mean by this is...he has revealed himself to be the kind of man who behaves this way. BP or not, he is STILL responsible for his choices. YOU as his wife, and the mother to his children, DO NOT have to put up with it in any way. By you choosing out, you are saying to yourself you are not waiting for him. You are not waiting for answers (that will probably never come, or make ANY sense if they do), you are not waiting to "see" what happens next, you are not waiting to stabilize your home. Once you make the choice you do not want him back, even if HE one day decides to try and come back...you are free. You are free to mourn the loss of the hopes, plans and dreams you once shared or made together, you are free to regain your independence, you are free to take legal action to protect your assets, your children's custody issues (for them and for you), and THEN you are free to let go and heal and find your smile again. Because it will not include him anymore...you are not waiting to heal or move forward...you are choosing to do it. (Keep in mind every day this controls you is a day lost in your life you can never get back) You need to decide whether you are willing to go through this kind of behavior anymore. If that answer is no...TIME TO LET GO FOR YOU. IF he ever comes back, he can certainly choose to attempt to be a father again...but by then, he will no longer have access to you to manipulate, control, dump on, or blame for his bad behavior or choices. He will reap the fruits of his choices ALL on his own. The relationship he will have with his kids will be whatever they will be based on his own actions. AND if he attempts to undermine...you will be strong enough to intervene for your kids...you will no longer protect him.
Now, is this sad...ABSOLUTELY. Will you survive...YES. Will you heal....YES. Will you find joy, a partner who values you, cherishes you, and loves you AND your kids....ABSOLUTELY. Now it depends on your choices about
the kind of life you want for you. Is this it? If not, by YOU choosing out, he no longer controls your destiny...YOU DO. Does any of this make sense? Sadly, with BP, and a man not wanting to be responsible for himself, his condition or his life...this is what can happen over and over, and you need to recognize you matter too, and if this is not the life you want....you can stop and make a choice to let it go. Speak to an attorney to see about
your options. You don't have to do anything about
it, just learn about
the choices you may need to make, and look at what is best for your kids. That in the end is the most important thing. Do you think a man who abandons his kids is what is best for them? If not, do something about
it so they have one stable, constant and present loving parent. Protect both your future and theirs.
My best wishes to you. When pain comes, cry it out, dust yourself off and move on....eventually, the tears will stop as the heart heals, and you find your independence and joy again. LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 5/9/2008 7:43:27 PM (GMT-6)