my husbands depression is driving me crazy

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New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/17/2008 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm writing out of pure desperation. I feel I've exhausted the advice of my friends and hate to be such a downer everytime I see them. I love my husband more than anything and know we are meant to be together forever, but these last years have been extremely trying on our relationship. I honestly don't know what to do. Granted, we are going through serious financial issues and he works so hard, has a great job, and I know it kills him that we still have issues when he makes a good salary. So, I know this doesn't help matters. But, he is still soooooo depressed. He is taking Effexor and I can tell you that I absolutely don't think it is working. Having had experience with a Bipolar mother, I feel I have some idea. I have told him this, but he just gets angry. The positive side of this is that he has gone to see someone and did start taking this about 3 months ago. So atleast, in that respect, he is trying.
I am just so tired of having him stomp all over the house in this pissy mood day in and day out. He barely greets me anymore when he gets home from work and immediately heads up to work on his computer. He can't seem to leave work behind, even though I have asked him on numerous occasions if he could focus on family when he is here. I have tried to be patient and helpful, but constantly feel like he is pissed off at me and hates me. He says this isn't true and loves me, but I can't help feeling the wrath of his depression. Even knowing that it is coming from a place he can't control. I just can't deal with it anymore. I am SO sad that I can't find a way to make him happy and part of me feels that maybe I am to blame for his extreme sadness. We have three young children and I am so afraid they are going to look back and see a grumpy dad. He's involved in their sports and schooling, but he's just such a grump and I feel badly for them.
Can anyone help me to know how to deal with him? I just find myself getting increasingly annoyed and pissed off at him. I try to stay quiet, but then he thinks that I hate him. I just know that if I open my mouth I'm gonna say something I'll regret. What can I do to save us from seperation. I don't think it will come to that, but there is only so much I can take of living with a pissed of depressed person. I want to be happy and don't appreciate being crapped on every day. Please help. I'll take any advice I can get. sad

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/17/2008 4:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi ajsunshine,

Welcome to the board, we're glad you're here.

I have been in your place when my husband has gone through depressions, and because I am actually the bipolar one in my household, my husband has been in your place and we have talked and talked about how hard it is to live with a depressed person. It is REALLY hard. So right off the bat I'm going to tell you that you need to get yourself some therapy a.s.a.p. because you have a lot of issues surrounding his illness and your family -- you have a lot to get off your chest and a professional therapist is going to help you do that in a productive way. You can't live happily with this angry creature in your household. You really could start taking out your frustrations on him, and things will get messy. But a therapist will give you ways to talk to him and ways to calm yourself, and just someone to vent to. You deserve to have some peace too.

Does he have a psychiatrist that he sees regularly? Who prescribes the Effexor for him? That doc needs to know the Effexor isn't working. Would your husband allow you to come to his appointment with him?

I know it's tempting to think you are somehow to blame, but you're just not. This level of depression is a physical problem, and isn't caused by any one trigger. He can't control it any more than you caused it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's really a dreadful way to live. I feel for your children especially, but it sounds like their Mom takes good care of them, and I'm sure they'll pull through just fine.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/17/2008 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Serafena,
I really appreciate your feedback. I'm so grateful to have someone to listen to me and offer such good advice. I have considered seeing a psychiatrist, but just haven't done it yet. I am the one putting it off and need to get past that. He is seeing a psychologist and will be seeing a psychiatrist within the next few weeks. I'm so glad. I definitely feel like I should be involved in the meetings though because I wonder if he is actually saying all that needs to be said. He did also give me the go ahead to go to the next meeting with his psychologist so that I can give some feedback on what I am seeing and to let them know that I don't feel the Effexor is working. I guess those are moves in the right direction.
I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how I should react when he is oozing out these negative emotions? I don't want to make it worse by any means and know that I do. Sadly, I find myself preferring he wasn't home at times, so I could relax. But the reality is I do want him here, but just in a good mood. He used to be such a happy guy. I really miss that. It seems the only time he's enjoying himself is when he and I are in a group atmosphere with our friends. Then, of course the second we get home it's all back to the same old thing. AAAAAgh, it's so exhausting. Seriously emotionally exhausting!
Well, I THANK YOU again for your quick reply and for this forum. It feels good to get some of this off my chest.


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/17/2008 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad I could be useful.

It's good news he's going to see a psych. Psych's only really deal with meds, so that's all their meetings really consist of "How well are your meds working?" They leave the therapy to therapists. If you could go with him to offer support and a little back up information, that would be useful. You don't want to do his talking for him, of course, but he needs to know you don't think the effexor is doing it's job and so does the doc. Spouses are powerful sources of info for mental health physicians.

Definitely try and get over your own concerns about seeing a therapist and call one. I don't know that you need to see a psych unless you believe you could use some meds yourself. But I really think you could use the talk therapy, and psych's don't really offer that.

How should you react to the negative emotions? The best thing to do is be clear and try to stay above it, I've found. Tell him plainly and kindly, "You're in a really bad place right now and you're taking it out on us. Why don't you go work on your computer and clear your head." or "I don't think we deserve your anger. I know you can't control it, but we can't help you if you're so angry." Try and remember it's not about you; he's not mad at you. That will help when you start feeling angry back at him. He'd much rather be happy too.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 136
   Posted 5/17/2008 8:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Ajsunshine, I don't have any advice for you and Serafena has given you better advice than I ever could. But I just wanted you to know that I sympathize with you. Dh gets depressed sometimes, but mostly he is tired and acts a lot like your dh. When he is grumpy I just try to keep busy doing other things. Keep us updated.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

New Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/22/2008 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  Hello...I felt really bad when I read your post!
    I am soooo sorry you have lived through all this!
   For the longest time I felt that I was alone.
I even got around to thinking that I may have "overreacted" or that I was to resentful toward him.(my husband)
I shifted back and forth between being mad at his "depression" phases,and forgetting about pride and self value-to pull him out of bed and get him to get out and breath fresh air.....Alot of times he attacked me emotionally til I dropped(literally)and I would cry for a bit,and then go to the room where he was cooped up,and grab him by the hand or caress his face.And this was all before I knew he was bipolar.It was my way of surviving!!!
I too got to the point where I preferred he not be home!
But if he took to long to come back home,I began to miss him. Don't know if it was cause I felt lonely or if I infact loved him,all I knew is that half of me needed him there!
He shut himself in a room and excluded himself from everything.Would come out to eat,if at all,and then went back into the room.And if he came out to address the kids,it was to yell at them or "correct"them for something!
We have 5 kids,and this killed me!I felt exactly like you say,didn't want for the kids to grow up with a grumpy dad(like I did)
Til a little bit ago,I felt like he was mad at me and the kids. Then I thought maybe he wanted out,was tired of being a family man,and just didn't know how to say it.
I use to respect him not wanting to go grocery shopping or the mall,ect...But then I started to get annoyed because he never wanted to be part of anything! I started to treat him like a child(which I still don't know if was right or not)this got him to be part of things.I didn't ask him if he wanted to do things,I demmanded he did things with us!!!
Then I was on an emotional roller coaster for years!
He would offend me,misunderstand things,anger easily.
And when he realized how much he had hurt me,he would try to hug me,and tell me he loved me!(five minutes before that he had almost wished my death!!!)
I have been through what you are going through plus some! And it is not easy.I wish I could recommend something that would cure him,and solve your problem.
But even if there was something,the emotional scars are there....There are things that are better unsaid,and that you can never take back.(which also applies to you,so I beg you,chose your words wisely)And each day that you go through feeling down,is a day you can never get back.
Kids suffer to see their mothers cry and feel hopeless.And I know it is easier said than done,but please try to cry in places that your kids won't see it!(I cry myself out in the shower,or when they are in bed)
Everyone has a purpose on this planet,some fullfill it sooner than others,some don't ever know what their purpose is to begin with! But when you have luggage this heavy,you get to realizing that everything happens for a reason.The lord works in mysterious ways.Maybe you and I were ment to be in these guys lives to be their back bone and help them walk through life. And though at times it may seem like it's to heavy a load,just remember
God doesn't give you a bigger bundle than you can handle....
I will send a prayer your way,and I hope that you can hold on......Good luck
            Have a blessed day.....

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 5/22/2008 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband was in your shoes for a long time.  In the beginning of my diagnosis I kept it from him.  I finally took him to a support group with me and he saw how may others have the same feelings I did (guilt, shame and frustration) about my illness.  I really believe your husband does not want to feel and act this way, but can't help it.  I really think his psychiatrist needs to look into some kind of mood stabilizer medications but I am not a doctor.  Maybe he will let you go to that support group to see how it is.  My husband said to me after the meeting "I can't believe how they feel like you do" and I finally felt he understood.  Be patient and remember his bipolar is a real illness and until he is on the right medication you and him must stick together.  Just let it be know to him that you will be there and it should get better, and he also will come around. yeah
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