Relationship Problems with FBF

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 6/28/2008 6:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone...(to those of you that remember my story).just another little update.  I feel like I am falling into a depression, and it is really scary for me.  I know FBF has his own depression he is dealing with, and I wish more than anything I could help him with it.  It seems that there is a complete wall built up to me now and he repeats frequently that he wants nothing more.  We are acquaintances in the same house.  I would like so badly to try to built something with him...but he says he just has no desire.
This is very painful to hear and I really feel like I am suffering mentally.  I don't know how to handle all these emotions.  I feel like I want to cry the whole time.  I feel like I have lost the person I can confide in about all my feelings and emotions. The wall is so high right now.It is so painful.  I don't want to give up, I want him to have some happiness, but I don't know how to give him that.  I feel like a grovelling fool,a sobbing basketcase.
I am so lost.  How do I work with someone who says he doesn't want the same things.
I am tired of being what causes him so much heartache.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/28/2008 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dutchie!

It's so good to hear from you, but I'm sorry to learn that things aren't working out very well. It sounds like you're very frustrated and depressed and maybe like FBF is in the same place. It must be really heartbreaking to have him giving up on the relationship. On the other hand, at some point you have to do what is best for YOU, not just for the relationship, and if he is not willing to work with you, you will have to come to terms with that and be strong. I assume you're still seeing a therapist? I hope so with all this painful excess of emotions overwhelming you and you having no one to talk to. Of course you are always welcome here.

I wish you so much luck and love. Big (((hugs)))

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 6/30/2008 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Dutchie,  Good to hear from you.  I am sorry to hear that FBF is not stabalizing with his depression.  I understand it making you very sad.  I only have a moment, but something struck me when reading your post.  The fact is, for a long time, your issues (the undiagnosed BP) was a huge distraction for FBF.  He could "blame" things on you, blame his unhappiness on you, divert his own issues to the side and deal with your stuff as an easier thing to face than his own depression.  However, after you were properly dx'ed and you embrased the dx so completely and became committed to turn your life around...and you did...what you now see is FBF then could no longer hide from his own issue....depression.  It took a lot for him to face this.  You have to remember, he spent many years running away from it all.  So, here you are about 6-9 months in to his being on some form of medication, owning it, and what you are discribing is a man still sad from it all, and not really finding the right meds, perhaps aggressive enough therapy, etc.  If I were to identify from what you shared as a misstep on your part is to blame yourself for HIS unhappiness - or the main source of it.  THat is not to say that given the issues the two of you have gone through isn't participating in his sadness, just that you are not really responsible for it.  It existed all on it's own.  You say you are a groveling fool...STOP.  Don't grovel.  It is not good for you, or him.  Stand strong.  Stand lovingly.  Stand whole.  THAT is the best service you can be to the both of you.  Just like you had to wrestle the BP to a manageable place...HE could not do the work for you...neither can you do it for him.  This is HIS battle to fight.  But you there for him with all the love you have, make it available to him whenever HE needs it or wants it for you to  listen, hold, love, sit quietly in the same room reading books...whatever.  You get my point.  Support his wellness, but don't indulge his illness/depression.  You do him no favors.  Set before him the responsibilities he has to you and the girls, prop him up, and tell him to get on with it lovingly, and then...MOVE FORWARD and tell him you are all a unit moving together in love and support of each other because you are a FAMILY.  For today, this is your life together, and therefore that is how you will function.  As to the serious talks about "the relationship" between you....for now...STOP QUESTIONING it all.  There is a book written by Emme and her husband who went through depression.  Here she is a famous model and her husband falls into this horrid depression.  When he came out of it, they wrote this book together.  I think this could be a good read for both you and FBF.   It is called, "Morning Has Broken: A Couple's Journey through Depression" By Emme and Phillip Aronson. 

I know it feels like one thing or another has been going on for a long time, and you are so ready for it to end.  Eventually, it will.  But these things heal in their own time sometimes, and sometimes we need to learn how we might be unintentially elongating the process by trying SO HARD to help.  Take a breath.  Let FBF do the same.  Stand united as a family, even if he can't as a couple for the moment.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.  Work towards the end goal, but stop the sobbing.  It is now time for you to be the strong one in a way.  To keep the faith, the family, and the future clearly in your sites the way he did for you for a long time.  I wish you all nothing but healing and love, and to find a way back to each other in time.  HUGS...LFW

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