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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/29/2008 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am brand new to healingwell and have been reading a number of posts in the "bipolar" catagory. I am in dire need of user advice/experience.
I am bipolar, 36 yrs, female and currently experiencing a very deep depression.  Last March I got married (my first) to a man 14yrs my senior. He was 'in on' the fact that I have bipolar, from very early on. I was honest and he even knew which medicines I was taking. Sub-consciously I think i was like 'Hey here is someone older, more stable, more mellow than myself and I need those things.'  I am now coming to realize that I am (strangely) the 'stable' one in our marriage. If I am having a hard time, he is unable to maintain himself and becomes negative, rejecting- exactly the things that end up making me feel REALLY bad. Things are really bad now. I try incredibly hard to read about bipolar, go to my therapist, be compliant w/ my meds, research alternative therapies- anything to make the confusion and pain better. I feel so incredibly hurt, that my husband, an intelligent man, has been 'fighting' trying to do any of the aforementioned things, to help myself and him. These past few months I have been seriously contemplating divorce and know that I would have already left, but can't for financial reasons. ( I do not have any money and am unemployed because of the depression & instability). There is so much going on, so much to tell, I realize as I am writing all this.  I currently only on Lamictal 300mg and have recently tried Topomax (50mg 10 days) but had bigtime bursts of irrational, out of nowhere anger. Tried 1 time 5mg Abilify and had racing heart, crawling skin- a REALLY bad reaction. In the past yr I have gone from being very happy w/ myself physically to HATING myself a LOT for gaining 30lbs. So taking medicines that are culprits to weight gain is very much out of the question. So right now I am stuck in limbo med wise, unsure of what to try next. OH and for 6mo now I faithfully take Country Life Omega Mood fish oils- which I don't believe has made any diff in my depression. I take vitamins, exercise and eat semi-well. I am mentioneing all this because I am soooooooooo sooo frustrated that nothing I am doing is helping me get better- and not only that I have gotten worse!!!
I have been feeling a lot of hate towards my husband lately- and it def shows. I feel resentful that he refuses to be there for me, even though he sees the pain and struggle that I am going through. I feel very alone. He feels very 'put- upon' and sorry for himself that he is the only one working and things are tight financially. I do try to be understanding that this is not easy for him either (something he tells me frequently).
Ok I will leave it there for tonight and hope to hear back from healingwell posters soon.
Thank you VERY much for reading.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/29/2008 7:26 PM (GMT -7)   


most people get married to find the things in their partner that are missing in themselves.  They are searching for "completeness" because they do not feel complete themselves.  I believe that this is the reason for a divorce rate of over 50% in first marriages and 70% in subsequent attempts.

"BUT I LOVE HIM/HER!"  As I've asked my granddaughters many times, "Is it love or hormones?"  I give my oldest granddaughter credit for trying:  she's on her 3rd attempt - and she is just 30 yrs old.

what does this have to do with your situation? i hear you asking.  The first question is, "why did you get married in the first place?"  The second question is, "what were your expectations from the marriage and from your partner?"  Usually, I have found, people get into relationships for all the wrong reasons and with unrealistic expectations.  It happened to me 45 yrs ago and it lasted for almost 5 years (because I'm so understanding and patient - and if you believe that I have a bridge I want to sell you :-) ).  It was a DISASTER of species-ending proportions!

if i knew then what i know now, i never would gotten married to this woman or i would have been better able to cope with the situation.  But time wounds all heals - or something like that.

The question for you, BP or no BP, is what do you want to do and where do you want to go from here.  Most people ask for advice so confirm their own beliefs or prejudices.  I would wager that you already know what you want to do.

if it's any consolation, statistically, most marriages end at or before the 1st anniversary.  If you make it past the 1st, the next statistical spike is at 5 yrs, then 10 yrs, then 15 yrs, then, strangely, at 25 yrs.  after 25 yrs, there is not another spike until (if I remember correctly) 40 yrs.  At this latter spike, the kids are all grown and the spouses actually have to be alone together.  what a shocker!

I hope that this information is helpful for you, Trying.  I am providing tough love and a reality check.


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/30/2008 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Trying,

Thanks for coming to HealingWell, and welcome to our Forum.

You certainly are working through a struggle now, I'm sorry to hear it. It sounds like BP-wise you're doing everything you can/should be doing (sticking to your meds, seeing your doc, therapist, researching,etc). The only thing that seems clear is that your current med cocktail isn't right yet, and you and your doc need to keep working to get something more effective. I know you're concerned about your weight, but there are plenty more meds out there which are weight neutral. Topomax is known to be only mildly effective anyway, so try something else. If Abilify didn't work, try something else. They're not even the same class of drugs. Topomax's a mood stabilizer, the other's an antipsych. You are seeing a psychiatrist right? Not a gp?

As to your marriage, I'm truly sorry your husband didn't turn out to be the strong, supportive man you hoped he would be. Only you can decide if you can live with that. If you can find a way to be strong enough for yourself, it might work out fine. If he's cruel to you, I wouldn't put up with it.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 6/30/2008 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi and welcome.  You will find much support here; I know that I have.
I agree with serafena.  Try some different meds.  Keep trying.  It took me over 3 years to find the right combination of meds that worked for me.  In the meantime, keep exercising; it helps with the BP.  I try to exercise regularly but right now I am pregnant and on bed rest because of complications.  But I love to exercise and it truly helps with the weight gaining and with my bipolar.  Also, get outside into the sunshine.  That helps me feel better too.  Anything that you can do with your lifestyle that will help you with your bipolar.  You can't just depend on the meds all of the time.  You have to take charge yourself.
I am sorry about your dh.  I understand how having a non-understanding husband feels; it hurts.  I left mine and found a wonderful man who understands and takes an active role in my health.  He helps me and supports me totally.  I am not telling you to leave yours; I am only sharing my experience.  It is almost impossible to take care of yourself and live with someone who is not supportive and doesn't want to understand your illness.
Hang in there.  We are here for you anytime.
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty

New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 7/1/2008 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you thank you so much wmnak, Serafena and missflip(congratulations on your pregnancy!!) for taking the time to reply to my post. It feels good to know that there are people out there who have their perspective (very important word!) on a situation that you are experiencing.

I know Dh loves me- he just doesn't know how to relate to all of this and I think he is paralyzed by the intense emotions of all of this and just doesnt know what to do (although sometimes I feel that is a cop-out).

When someone is in a place of deep depression- I isolate, dont leave house for wk at a time, dont talk to anyone etc. it is hard to be doing the things I know I need to be doing for myself- I just feel overwhelmed and like giving up.

I do not know at all which direction to go to med wise. I have done research and do not know what to try next. Have been in this 'limbo' of not knowing what to do for close to 2 mo's now. So ANY any suggestions about what to ask the doctor about next are welcome (she wants me on zyprexa-absolutely out of the question- no more weight gain!!!!!! and also gave me samples of symbax-which i also am not willing to take) I have never in the past 7 yrs full out said 'I am not taking that' about any med, until now. I am realllllyy unhappy about my weight right now, which of course contributes to feelings of depression. And then I get upset w/ myself because I am not doing enough to lose weight.! Ack!

Thank you again for taking time to read & post on this.


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/1/2008 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Ask your doctor about Seroquel (weight neutral until you get to really high doses, I believe,) Geodon (I can't find anything about it causing weight gain,) and Risperdal. I'm no doctor, I just know these are other anti-psychs that don't seem to have high incidence of weight gain. Your doc is going to know if they will work well with Lamictal for you.

I chose a few that several of our members have been on based on my hearing about the weight gain issue and whether or not they've been effective. These are just three that stand out. There are, obviously, lots more. Try going to and in the "Find a Drug" box put "antipsychotic." That's the class of drug you're looking for. It will pull up over 50, including Abilify, and all the ones we've already mentioned. That's why you shouldn't give up, and neither should your doc. If she's not willing to work with you to find something else that's weight-neutral and still effective, you need a new doc. There's more than 4 drugs in the world.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Post Edited (serafena) : 7/1/2008 3:36:01 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 7/4/2008 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
What about lithium? My bp fiance is on both lithium and risperdal and his weight has definitely decreased (since getting off depakote, which sunk him into a pole so low, we considered hospitalizing him until we found our savior psychiatrist)...about your husband....I know that my fiance would have a terrible time doing all of this (psychotherapy,psychiatrist,journaling, mediation, encouragement, endless chats) without me. I love him more now than before I knew about his illness and i really do believe it takes a village to treat this illness. The therapy, couples and individual helps leaps and bounds with our relationship. The conflicts we used to have are largely minimalized by the mood stabilizer of course, but the hurt, pity parties we have for ourselves, wonderment, whatifs...we process all of that with our therapists in a great effort to protect the relationship we miraculously built during a long semi-stable, but untreated stretch for him. I really believe that foundation or that little sphere that represents your partnership has to remain present and be protected throughout and it's hard to do without therapy (in my opinion).

I'll say quickly that every brand name drug was pushed on my fiance until the psychiatrist who wasn't recco'd by a county hospital, one who was recco'd by our therapist, asked us whether, in 6 years of struggling, have we ever tried lithium??? There's a huge sign outside this guy's office that says "Pharma reps by appointment only"... I think a lot of people suffering from bp are victims of easily accessible doctors and pharma reps pushing the newest drug (some of which work for some..but I've heard abilify affecting people the same way you talk about).

Anyway, that part of the mental health (and general health) industry p****s me off and I thought I'd share. No one is making billions off of lithium...but risperdal? Well, the patent on risperdal expires this June..look out for the generic soon!

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 7/4/2008 8:48:52 AM (GMT-6)

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