I can totally appreciate the way the irritation gets the better of you. As someone who is, like Sukay before me, married, let me second the notion that the key to being in a relationship with bipolar is that you have to make a really deep effort to control your moods. I truly understand how they overtake you. I also slip up and have my moments where I just feel the need to rage on about nonsense, but I also recognize that in these moments, I am yelling because I'm bipolar and not because my husband has truly done anything wrong, and I tell him that. For example, after yelling at him for say, 3 minutes, about not taking out the garbage or some other stupid thing like that, I realize it's just my mood and not really because I'm angry at him. So I tell him. "It's not you honey, It's my mood. I'm really sorry. I'll go be alone for a while until I've got it under control." Then I go to my room and calm down because it's not fair to take my irrational anger out on my husband who has done nothing wrong.
This is exactly what I was going to write to you. I do the same thing and I am so lucky that I have someone who is way beyond understanding. Like serafena I make sure to take the time to make sure my partner knows it's not him and that's it's my moods...he's nothing but wonderful to me and I never want him to feel like he deserves or has done something to get the crap I throw at him sometimes. We've been together now for almost 3 years and I'm very proud of that.
I've learned a lot from my past mistakes in past relationships...boy did I cause some drama, and I think it's just something we all go through and eventually start to learn how to fix or at least make it as understandable as possible for our significant others. I don't know how long you've been having your bipolar issues or how many relationships you've been in, but you're still young...I make it sound like I'm old and experienced at 27, but people grow a lot in their 20s and sometimes in order to learn something we have to go through the bad and have to make mistakes. You're definitely on the right path because you recognize what you're doing...that's the first step.
When I was like 18 through about 21 I had no clue how to deal with my moods and was very insecure. I still am to be honest, but back then I did the same things you're doing now. I mean exactly what you're doing. I had a boyfriend, the love of my life at the time, and we had a very hostile relationship. He wasn't violent or anything like that, but we were both young...he was in his early 20s...and had no clue how to handle me. So he would walk out and I would get hysertical. I would do the crying, the begging...it was bad. Honestly that pushed him away even more because it hurt him to see me like that so he would be pissed about how I was treating him then he'd feel hurt because of how I would respond to his way of dealing with me. Eventually we went our seperate ways which was the hardest thing EVER especially since our relationship was on and off since I was like 13. We got more serious when I was 18 and that's when a lot of my mental issues really came to surface. Years have passed and with a lot of fighting, talking, some periods of not having any contact whatsoever, and both being in serious relationships..he's married now and obviously you know my story...we're good friends again. In order for that to happen though we both had to be willing participants in making things better. Sometimes you're not meant to be when it comes to a romantic relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on each other. Anyway now that I've gotten off track a little...I'm just trying to show you this is not something you're alone in dealing with...I think many of us have been there. The crying and begging though, in my experience, makes you feel worse about yourself. I mean begging to anyone especially when they're walking out is going to crush you later. I did the whole begging thing in 3 relationships. It took me 3 screwed up relationships to learn so it's not going to happen overnight.
So my advice....yes I'm getting there, I tend to ramble lol, really read what everyone here has said. Try to incorporate some of the advice given in your talks with your boyfriend. Also as painful as this may be you might have to realize your boyfriend is not ready to handle something like this. I know a lot of people who can't handle stuff like this, not because they're bad people, just because they've never been exposed to it and I think it takes a special kind of person to have the patience to deal with it. Something else I've learned in therapy is when I was at my worst I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to be in a serious relationship so maybe time apart isn't such a bad thing. If you're determined, and so is he, to fight for this relationship be honest with each other, give each other space when needed, and if possible bring him to some of your appts so he can learn about what you're going through and how to handle it. Like many of the previous commenters have said when you're in a mood like that it's best to remove yourself from the situation. You'd be amazed what a little time alone can do, even if it's like an hour or two, to calm you and him down. Just apologize, explain it's not him, and tell him you just need a little time to yourself to calm down. This is definitely a hard thing to go through and honestly it never really gets "easy" but with the right tools and experience we learn how to manage it. You'll get there...it just takes time. Please keep us updated...I hope we've helped you feel a little less alone and helped you get some ideas on how to make things better. Good luck and we'll be thinking of you. *hugs*
***sorry for the novel! I hope you made it through it all lol. I just really know how you feel and your post reminded me of myself like you wouldn't believe.***
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!