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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/2/2008 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar just under a year now. I am uncertain sometimes if I actually have a problem or not. Some things at times sound like I might be but sometimes I don't think I am at all. At present I am taking anti-depressants and was aking anti-psychotics but don't like them as I feel too flat - perhaps that feeling is what it feels like to be normal but I'm used to feeling a lot more alert....if not depressed.

The reason I feel unsure is because of various things that have happened to me over the last 10-15 years that may seem like bi-polar but also may have a reasonable explanation - at least to me they do. When I was younger, I thought that I had special powers and could control the weather, I also thought I was a God as I think I was possessed by the devil. I know that sounds nutty but I was about 14 at the time. I still think this really did happen, I know I wasn't a God but I sure felt possessed. I would also see the walls bending out at me and saw the devils head when I looked in the mirror - this to me I believe happened still to this day.

Years later, I started using a lot of drugs including LSD, heroin, marijuana, cocaine, ecstacy. Now I know that drugs can have a huge affect on peoples perception. I would say I am a very aware and intelligent person who is quite logical. At around the age of 21 I had another religious experience - I was not on drugs at the time nor had I been for a while.

I was playing guitar then I saw a dark figure move across the hallway outside my bedroom. It seemed to be a demon. I felt a presence that reminded me of when I felt like I was posessed. I was scared so started singing whilst playing guitar to God. Then it seemed the ceiling opened up and angels were singing along with me - at this point it freaked me out a little so I put down my guitar and walked into the bedroom next door - I could feel a dark presence that I wanted to confront - when I walked in the room, an invisible presence when through my body out my back then back through me again. It ripped me to the floor - I could feel invisible hands grabbing at me. I rushed out the house across the road to a friends house. I told him what happened and he seem to believe me. I don't think I was delusional. Can these things really happen to people but be put down to mental illness?

Those stories are 2 of the more questionable areas to whether I am bi-polar or not. I haven't experienced anything that intense for about 8 years now. I am unclear what is meant by grandiose behaviour. Some of what I have read about other bi-polar peoples definition sounds more like obsessive compulsive behaviour.

I think that generally I have some intense and unconventional feelings and behaviours. Around the time I was diagnosed I felt work to much to handle so just stopped going. I became inspired by wood carvings I saw on the internet so taught myself how to carve with a chisel. I started making wooden spoons then set up a web site dedicated to wooden spoons one night when I wasn't able to sleep. I thought that I could make a living selling hand made spoons - I thought I would be very successfull....I soon realised after about a week or 2 this wasn't going to happen. My Dr. thinks this is do I. Recent feelings I had about a month ago was the desire to have sex with transvestites/transexuals...I'm not gay. I am over that idea now and reqally can't understand the desire. I understand bi-polar people are sexually heightened but generally I don't feel that way. I do often feel a little paranoid and anxious and find going to work at times near impossible. I know I have problems, no doubt there but does anyone think that anything that I have written so far has any inclination towards my Dr's diagnosis of me being bi-polar.

I am truly greatful for your time to read this and respond.


{I edited your post to bring it in line with Forum Rule #2 "No use of explicit, obscene or vulgar language or images and/or messages, including racist remarks." -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 7/2/2008 10:02:46 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 7/2/2008 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Optimistic,

And Welcome to the healingwell site and bipolar forum.

Yeah, I can totally see why your doctor would have given you that diagnosis. Is he a psychaitrist and know of all of your history that you have shared with us?

I hate to sound like a broken record, but getting therapy is a key issue in a healthy wellness program when dealing with bipolar. It can help you work through a lot of your feelings.

Also, if you're not feeling too well on your medication you should let your psychiatrist know this so that he can keep tinkering with your medication adjustments. Most times it takes a long time to find the right mix of things. Feeling numb to things is very common along the road to finding the right dosage of things. It doesn't sound like you've reached the best cocktail for you yet. When do you see your doctor next? If not soon, make an appointment and let him know of how you are feeling.

And again, therapy will help a lot!

Good Luck.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/2/2008 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Optimistic,

I've got to agree with your doc and sukay as well; you sound pretty bipolar to me as well. An excellent example of grandiose behavior is someone who believes they can communicate directly with God, for instance. Bipolars in manic states also are known to enter into doomed financial ventures, like starting a spoon company that won't actually be able to support itself. Finally, bipolars in manic states are known for risky sexual behavior, such as you describe.

One thing you said concerns me -- you said you're taking your antidepressants but not your antipsychs. I can appreciate not wanting to feel flat, but it's actually dangerous for bipolars to take antidepressants all alone. They make manic episodes worse, and certainly you sound manic. You need to be on a mood stabilizer with your antidepressant. You are seeing a psychiatrist, right? You definitely need to tell your doctor your concerns about your meds, that your antipsychs are making you feel flat, and he/she can find something else for you. There's plenty of options out there and maybe something else will work better for you.

good luck,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 7/2/2008 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Optimistic-

This statement:

When I was younger, I thought that I had special powers and could control the weather

rings a bell with me. My fiance, while in the throes of a manic episode (with schziophrenic delusions), believed he could control traffic while we were driving. A delusion that was potentially fatal to both of us. His antipsychotic meds are a lifesaver...and common for people suffering from bipolar to take. Just b/c one med makes you flat doesn't mean there isn't another one that will not. Also, I know that the difference b/w 2mg of risperdal for example, and 4 mg is the difference b/w turning the volume down on the outside world to half of what it was when hyper-exposed, and having it turned down to 0 decibels...if that makes any sense.
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