Hi, I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years and it has been hell. I didn't know that he suffered from depression let alone Bipolar Disease, if I had known I wouldn't have married him.
I've read a lot about BD and know a lot about it but it doesn't help. I am originally from Europe and my husband is from the US. We were living in Europe at first, he had come there after we had met (3 months later) and after 3 months to the day we got married and all hell broker lose.
He beat me on regular basis every time he got mad or things didnt' go his way, but I, not being a weakling, stood up to him and refused to be a victim and fought hard... forgiving him and trying to figure out what was it that made this angelic looking man so demonic. He would cut himself to punish or block hurt, he would smoke pot and drink heavily.... then he blurted out to me that he had been depressed since he had been 5 yrs old, that nobody cared, that everyone left him, deserted him.. that I would leave him too for sure.. I tried to talk to him and promised him that I would never desert him, that I would stand by him no matter what. After every time that he would get physical I would swear that I would leave him (to my self), but then he'd start hurting himself and I would see that he was a very disturbed human being!
All this in a matter of few months after our marriage... for me, marriage is sacred and never once did I think about leaving him.
So, instead of being a victim I resoved into being a cure finder... took him to the best psychiatrist in Europe from country to country to figure out what was really wrong with him beside his depression, only one doctor figured it out and diagnosed him with Bipolar disease and put him on lithium and antidepressant, for a time he was better and not lashing out all the time.. but then his drinking and pot smoking ways interfered with the medication and things got out of hand again.
after two years, I thought maybe if we moved to his country things would get better for he hated Europe (which most people loved), no matter the lifestyle I gave him (I was making very good money and he didn't work, so we had an extremely comfortable life).
So we moved to the US early 2006, and for about 2 weeks things were good, we were staying with his family in his southern home state. But then all hell broke lose again.. the hittings, verbal abuse, emotional abuse... there was no end. I couldn't find a decent job for the little town we were in didn't offer many choices - he didn't work anyway, and so we continued to live off his family, which bothered me a great deal. i called the police 3 times but didn't press charges, once I was going to but he ran off before the police came....
He was taking his medication but nothing helped... he was making no sense in the things he was saying, no rational thought process, no logic... he would accuse me of horrible things and call me horrible names... then he threatened to kill me... And his mother came to my rescue.. and next day as usual he felt bad... and begged for forgiveness.
I convinced him that I had to move to New York to find a good job and make a decent living, so with mutual understanding of our situation I made the move ahead of him, 6 months later he came and joined me. During the 6 months that I was away he after having been with several women in our bed and his abusive drinking and drug use had decided to get some help from a christian help group, and he had finally found a way and was doing better... and it was the group that had told him to tell me that he had had several women after I was gone... apparently he had to be accountable. When he had told me he was devastated and I told him let's concentrate on your healing and we'll deal with these issues later.
So he concentrated on getting better... and he had gotten better... or so I had thought. After he arrived here things were ok for about 1 month then it went down hill again... and now he has completely stopped taking his meds and just smokes pot and drinks beer and thinks that he doesn't need meds.
I feel so alone... I yearn for a human touch for he won't show me any affection... we have no real marriage and I keep on forgiving him and taking the blame for the sake of peace at home for other wise my life becomes pure hell.... but I am so fed up.. I have no friends here yet.. but i do have a greate job now... so that is my only escape. he makes friendships impossible...
I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do... darned if I leave darned if I don't.
I feel sorry for him, sure it is hell for me to be living with someone who is miserable all the time and is accusatory and angry and moody.. but it must be worse for him...
I can't talk to anyone who can really understand me for the few people I have known they all say just leave him!!!!! you can't live like this... they don't undersatnd the dilemma I am in. I love him.. and I hurt for him.... so leaving becomes very hard. For if I did leave him what would happen to him? he has no money.. I control the money for otherwise we'd have nothing and bills wouldn't get paid!, he has no job... nowhere to go.. even his family doesn't want him...
how could I have the heart to kick him out or leave him? and I am also afraid...
Pls help!!!!!!! I beg you, tell me or make me understand what I need to do.
Thank you!!!!! and pls be honest!!!!!!!!!!