JH, you're not alone. I to am a wife to a BP (and a mother to a son with it). Much of the time I feel the same interesting dynamic...he can pretty much hold it together with everyone else, but I seem to receive the brunt of everything (or our oldest son...although these days...his moodiness seems to in some ways be stretching to include the younger ones in small ways.) He is NEVER violent, or excessively cruel...i.e. name calling, threats, vicious attacks – although he can get very unkind...etc....but it is mostly just the relentless and consistentness that it is ALWAYS something one of us is doing that is irritating him, frustrating him, being "inconsiderate" to him....victim! And when he is not playing victim and then punishing me/us for it, he is snarling and turning everything into a power struggle, argument, berating or in general being short and distant...even when there is no reason. He, like your husband does not see this in himself. I am at a phase in this marriage of great loneliness. He is also regulated on his meds, is responsible about it in that he takes his meds regularly - sees all the appropriate docs regularly - etc. But NEVER has he elected to get totally responsible or educated to this BP he has – how it manifests even though he is regulated on the medication – therefore how to be responsible about it and control himself. Now, I say that without blame...as I am not angry at him for being a man with BP – he didn’t choose it any more than I did, but I totally understand not wanting to live like this anymore too…I can totally empathize with you - love for our spouses or not. For me, I have not elected to leave...but to be honest; I don't think HIS therapist has a right to tell you not to. BP affects not only the one with it, but those of us who love them and live with them too. YOU have a right to choose out without judgment from ANYONE else. There is no shame in this IMO. This is without exception a hard life to live. Regardless of the level of BP you are dealing with.
Again, I say this to you dealing with a milder level of BP compared it would seem to most (although still not easy) – mine is still an honest man, never cheats, lies, excessively spends, is ever violent, or battling an addiction of alcohol (or some such thing). It is just relentless, never ending “STUFF”. But, if I ever decide to leave, then I would do it when I felt the time was right for me. I count too after all, just as much as he does = and so do you my dear…so do you.
SO, if you are SURE that is what you want…YOU decide when and go to his therapist and tell him WHEN and ask for support and help for your H, and even to help you tell him if you need that. If he tells you to wait, you respectfully say NO if you want to. You tell him to help or not, but you will now do what you need for you. You remind him that while your spouse may be his patient…to some degree, so are you, and you & your needs count too.
My best wishes for you to the outcome you desire and deserve for you – regardless of what it is. All that is for you to decide for yourself…and remember - there is no right or wrong no matter what you choose. Just be as compassionate, fair and responsible in the choices you make as you can to all involved. LFW