I suffer from severe depression, severe anxiety (I have a few anxiety attacks weekly now that my depression is at its peak), thoughts of suicide, self-confidence issues, I have had severe mental stresses due to scary thoughts I've had about why I am the way I am and what kind of person I am. I have a loss of appetite, or I have uncontrollable overeating, I have no ability to frame time, I have a hard time remembering names or dates, I only find solace in having a task to accomplish that isn't related to me in any way (i.e. cleaning, building something, exercise), I isolate myself because my lack of self-control has made me uncomfortable even around my closest family members. I'm currently staying with my Grandparents who have loved me and cared for me throughout my life and I have trust issues with them too now. I've had paranoid delusions about religion, politics, the society today, the government watching me, everyone against me. At other times I am a happy carefree person. I have a hyper-sensitive side for natural beauty (peacefulness, nature, animals) and also a slovenly side that cannot associate with the modern culture. I feel like I've been left in a time warp where I'm living in the past and my mind is too infantile to grasp today's reality. I've been given a good education and was active in college, had a good-paying fun job, had friends and family members around me always trying to get me to 'participate' in life. All this I've shied away from, I've severed every string in my life. Every relationship I've either altered in a bad way or broken altogether. Every hobby I have only holds my attention for as long as my moods last. I read into messages on the TV, the radio, even my music collection as if they're talking either about me or to me. Then I go through stages where I know I'm completely normal and this is all just a 'dream' if you will. But when I am in my 'anxious' state as I call it, because I have no other explanation for it, there is no way to control it. I've been brought to a secluded place to rest and regain my strength, and now I can't even go into town because I think everyone is watching me. I try to engage myself in constructive ways, by gardening or cleaning or reading a classic book. All these things make me feel good, but then it feels as if I've made no progress every time I hit another "trigger." My only relationship I have that I am comfortable with is my boyfriend who is with me, and even that I'm choosing to let go of because I feel like I'm doing more hurt than good.
I guess I should talk about my symptoms as a kid also.. I was never a depressed kid, but since gradeschool I've always had attention problems, always "acting up." This sparked a new train of depression as I got into my highschool years because of insecurity issues. Now that I'm about to turn 21, with a good education, firm grandparents that are more than willing to put me through school and get me back on my feet, and many many other "good things" going for me, I feel like I am at a loss with problems I should not be facing. I have no motivation for any kind of schedule or job, any new friend or relationship. The only person I've trusted is a counselor I've seen twice, and already I am telling myself reasons why he doesn't "get it."
I have told my grandmother that I'd like to be put into a hospital. I am trying to get answers for places to go for special needs. I'm not a bad person, I don't want to be "put away."
If you have any information for hospitals that are experienced in the needs of depression, possible mental illnesses, and the insecurity of a female. I feel scared to seek help because I am afraid of the options. I have never had a good view of hospitals or doctors, but I am willing to work with people who are qualified to help someone like me, whatever that problem may be.