As I journey down this path as a BP spouse, I am coming to understand that not all the issues I am dealing with are BP related. I think I associated it all to his BP, which is wrong, in truth, it is not. That is not to say that whatever the issues are, are not enhanced by the BP - both in intensity and frequency. But perhaps the BP is not fully the root.
What I mean is this, if you took his father's behavior, chauvinism, impatience, ego and control issues (as so much of my H's behavior seems to mirror the stories I've been told about his dad's younger years) as the base, and then intensified it with the BP, and amped up the frequency....that would also explain much. SO...what to do about it becomes the next issue. If the BP doesn't explain it, and it is a personality issue, how do you shift it with what feels like the BP in the way? (Did that make sense?)
I am recognizing that my H's BP compounds those other issues – but may not be the root cause, and if he didn't have BP, these issues would still exist but to a much lesser and less frequent degree. But without the BP in the mix, we may be able to actually deal with some of it. But then again, it also wouldn't be THIS difficult to live with – so it may not be such an issue to begin with…plus, it could be resolvable stuff.
I do love him, but he is wearing out my patience at the moment, and my understanding. I just can't figure out how, together as a couple, we can gain any resolution and improve things of the issues about each other driving us both mad - with the BP swinging as part of it because his agitation, defensiveness, victimhood, blame, finger pointing, low frustration tolerance, morphing the true meaning of anything being said by me, irritability, and hostility, judgment...etc. I am so ready for the attack that I end up becoming automatically defensive too. So any ground gained, is so easily lost again.
So...I would love some input on this. How do you get around the BP to resolve or improve anything? Or does it just cycle back and forth like this the rest of our lives??? (Keep in mind folks, my H is a RR to boot, so we are not talking 6 months on the upswing, and 6 months on the down - we run hot/cold daily/weekly). Plus, if I want to work on stuff that I am doing, which I feel I am contributing to the mix, but can't gain a discussion of any value or consistency to resolve, or work with, and all my efforts are on and off snarled at....how can I tell what is really going on. It gets exhausting to feel so alone trying to figure it all out without blaming anyone.
Thanks in advance for your insight and input. LFW