doing really bad lately. not that I've been good any time in the past 6 months, but life just keeps throwing things at me one right after another. I would go into it all, but seriously...you'd be here all day.
I'll try to sum it all up real short and quick...
my dad's severely sick, been in and out of the hospital for heart and brain problems and procedures/surgeries.
family has turned their back on us so it's only me, my boyfriend, and my dad dealing with everything...literally...no exaggerations.
my boyfriend is on his last warning from work because he's missed so many days trying to pick up the slack my family has left...he's close to flunking out of school too because of going in late or missed days...again because of me and my dad. he's our main transportation and we have tons of appts and emergencies are popping up everywhere...
that leads me to my own health problems...along with my bipolar I am having some serious stomach issues, joint problems, tons of tests, and tons of meds.
I am going into debt more and more everyday. paying utiliities with credit cards. I'm already on disability and welfare for food money and to suppliment my medicare, but still can't afford to live.
extremely depressed over family turning their back on me and my dad. I only have my dad and my boyfriend left and now I'm having severe abandonment issues because of this and past relationships...friendship wise and romantically.
I guess that should catch you up for now. if I'm forgetting something I wouldn't be surprised...little things are dropped in my lap every 5 min so it's hard to keep up and my brain is so foggy.
I'm having very irrational thoughts, or at least I hope they're irrational.
can't believe my family won't help at all. my mom's side of the family walked out on me when I was 8. my dad's side of the family has been there for most everything, we had our troubles, but what family doesn't? now they've completely checked out because they are selfish SOBs. I've asked for help numerous times because I can hardly take care of myself let alone my sickly father now. I've been turned down so many times and I just keep trying because they're my family...my blood...they're supposed to be there through thick and thin...right? maybe I just watch too much sappy tv. "family will always be there" "blood is thicker than water" "when everyone else walks out you'll always have family" what a bunch of crap. my dad is now unemployed because of his conditions...he just applied for disability so I hope he gets it and gets it soon because I'm afraid he's going to lose his house. I'm barely making it payment wise on my own house. my dad can't pay for most of his bills. I definitely can't help him on that end of things.
newest thing to add to the mix...my boyfriend's grandpa has lung cancer. he is very sick as it is and they want to operate ASAP. my boyfriend can't miss any more school or work so he can't go see him. his next day off that is completely
open is Sept 20. we're going to go see them then...his family lives out of state. he's been home to see his family once since Easter (March) because of all the responsibilities he's taken on for me and my dad. his family is extremely close. nothing like mine. I wish we lived closer to them. I already told my dad to be ready to pack it up because if we ever get a chance we're moving closer to my boyfriend's family. there's no way I can leave my dad in the condition he's in so he'd be coming with us. my dad's conditions are not fixable. only managable, but we've already been told it's only going to last a couple of years. just typing that makes me cry.
I just can't deal with all this anymore. I'm very overwhelmed. That last sentence doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling though. I'm sinking faster and faster. the only things keeping me from doing something stupid are my boyfriend and my dad. there's no way I can leave my dad and even though I'm constantly afraid he's going to run because of everything he has to do now I can't leave my boyfriend. everyone has walked out on me but them. my dad is slowly going away, not by choice, but it's still like he's leaving me. why wouldn't I think eventually my boyfriend will leave too? everyone else has. we've been together almost 3 years now though. I'm hoping since he's stuck around this long he's in it for the long haul. he says he is, but it's hard to believe now because of my family. if I lose them I literally have no one.
I feel so alone, so let down and betrayed. I hurt so badly inside. I cry constantly and not just a few tears...like uncontrollable, crazy, sobbing. my boyfriend spent over 2 hours one night trying to calm me down. I just don't know how much more I can do. the docs and therapist won't help me because they say it's mostly situational. like I don't know that, but I can't handle life. there has to be something they can do. I see my therapist again on Tues, but what can she do in 50 min to make me feel better or teach me to cope better? I want to run away.