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bama wife
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/15/2008 11:24 PM (GMT -7)   
It's been a while since I posted on here.My BP husband is driving me nuts. He has applied for disability and has not worked since mid April. He has went back to self medicating and we know that dosen't work with the meds. He has been having some medical problems and went to his med after having 3 beers and a double dose of one of his meds.He had a appt with his counselor this afternoon and I was so upset I couldn't even go. His daughter took him. I am at  the breaking point. We have a appt sat with the counselor.I love my husband and don't want to give up on him.But this is all sucking the life out of me.I feel like he blames every thing on his illness. He apologizes to me for him being so sick. I work and it has been hard on me going back to work aftee having back surgery in January. I get no help at home.He might as well be an invalid. I am sorry, I don't mean to be in-sensitive to bp but I just feel so alone and frustrated. I would appreciate any feedback.
Pammy in bama

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm brand new here and just wanted to respond to your post because I am in the same position. My husband was diagnosised with BP and ADHD a little less than 2 years ago. After he was fired from his job in 6/2006 I finally got him to go to a pyshciatrist. To make a long story short it took another doctor to convince him of the BP and he started taking the proper medication and therapy. He tried another job this August only to be fired in the same manner after only 3 weeks. He has now filed for disability, which if he receives it will take 2 years minimum. Since he hasn't worked in 2 years our credit card bills got maxed out, this past job was our last hope. Now we are filing for bankruptcy.

I too feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Although the bankruptcy will allow us to keep our house I still have to work a second job to make the mortgage/utilities, living expenses. I have to make sure that all of the paper work for both the disability claim and the bankruptcy is properly assembled and taken to the appropriate places. All this while my husband has taken to the basement, one of his unfinished projects, to lay in bed 3/4 of the day and sleep away the rest. A mid day appointment to the doctors is his excuse for not being able to do anything else that day.

I also feel that he might as well be an invalid. I can taken the responsibilty of being the sole bread winner, dealing with the bankruptcy and disability claim but I can't understand his inability to act in a responsible manner and do something productive on a daily basis.

The hardness part of this entire situation is the fact that I get no emotional support from him. Every conversation I have with him ends up about him. I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to talk to him anymore. I understand you frustration and loneliness. I'm there. I'm sure that we aren't the only ones here that feel this way.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/16/2008 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Bonjovi511,

Welcome to the board and to HealingWell. Hello again to bama as well. I certainly feel for the situation you both find yourselves in, and you are right. There are many other spouses here on the board who have gone through similar situations, or much worse. I think there's a key to remember in these relationships, and please don't take this as a criticism -- it's absolutely not. Think of it more as a new way to think. Bipolar people DO NOT HAVE TO behave this way. Lots of us don't. It is a choice. And by doing everything for these men and not putting more pressure on them to take care of themselves, you allow them to continue to fester in their depression. It's a kind of enabling. I understand you want to support them in their illness, but there is a difference between support and letting them suck you dry. You are people who deserve lives of your own too, and if they aren't going to do everything in their power to get stable, if they're self-medicating, not taking meds properly, skipping appointments, sleeping all day, then they aren't doing everything they can to get well. You have every right to put your foot down and say "Hey, shape up or I'm out of here." Because no one can live their life like that. Bipolar is a tough disease, it's true. It requires a lot of effort to keep under control. But it can be done. Force them to keep it under control. Stop letting them make excuses. Stop picking up the slack for them.

Best wishes,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2008 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your advice. My problem is that in the past when I did 'put my foot down' it would trigger an explosive episode (or depressive) depending on what I was asking for. Now unfortunately I find myself withholding my true feelings and internalizing what I really expect of him, just to keep peace. But this usually back fires because the internalizing usually causes me to display a negative attitude towards him (I clam up) which in turn can cause a depressive or explosive episode. I just don't know how to address issues with him when he is always so defensive and blames everything on his illness. Right now I just have a lot of resentment towards him because of our money situation and his not being able to emotional support to me when I need it. I feel like the parent and he is the child.

On a side note- does anyone have statistics on how many people with BP and ADHD get approved for disability? I know he will most definitely be denied at least the first time and the first appeal, but I was just wondering how many people here have been successful in being awarded benefits if they filed.

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 9/16/2008 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there. I'm not in your situation, but I am head over heals for a bipolar man who has been doing very irrational things lately. I just wanted to send you my support and I will pray for you and your situation.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/17/2008 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Bama, I feel for you.  I feel at my breaking point a lot as well.  What you have to remember is that you count to.  I have to keep reminding me of this as well.  But it is true.  WE COUNT TOO!  Maybe, since your kids are grown it is time for a mini break from it.  Tell him you are leaving for 2 weeks, in that time you expect him to do the following...get himself together, stop self medicating, see the counselor together as a couple to deal with this and begin to seek employment and help with the house.  If he does not do these things, you will think of extending your break longer than the two weeks....maybe 2 months.  If you are working towards resolution but not having to live day out and day in within this, you may gain clarity and the rest you need.  Good luck.  LFW

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/17/2008 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi wifes

Sorry, I didn't know how to put this addresses to more than one of you. If you haven't read some of my other posts, I just say I'm having a bit of a pickle roght now. My wife says to just do the things I like to do right now, floating around on this board is one of them.

I am one of the few men on this board, and I am probably breaking a male secret code. But having a woman do everything for us is fun. We will do all kinds of things to continue being served. And that is no crap. If getting yelled at by a woman who is doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry is the only ramification, let her yell. Doesn't hurt us any to get yelled at. If the woman threatens to leave, turn on the charm until the only yelling ramification returns.

I am certainly a very imperfect husband. Right now, my wife is taking care of everything. I'm in such a rat hole right now, my wife could join you all because I am a huge pain in the bum. I am trying to pull out of this, and some new people are coming along to help me. Maybe soon, I can get back to being an okay husband again.

I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.

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