I'm new on this forum too. I've read your postings and you have helped me to see things thru my husband's eyes. I'm the bipolar one. I have been in therapy for more than 14 years. I take my meds the way I'm supposed to but sometimes it seems they are not enough. I know what I've put my husband through over the years. As I'm sure your husband knows what he's put you through also. I can't speak for him but I feel very guilty about the things my husband has had to put up with. He deserves better than this. He's a good, tolerant and understanding man. From reading your posts, I believe you're a good person also. Olivia is right, you really need to take care of you first. Don't feel guilty about wanting a better life for yourself. You deserve to be happy and if that means divorcing your husband, no one would blame you. I certainly wouldn't. As for your husband, speaking from experience, everything is about him. So he may be the one person that will blame you, but he would be wrong.
As for your finances, times are already hard for everyone thanks to this war. You, however, are carrying a heavier load on your shoulders than most of us. I'm not encouraging you to divorce him, that's a personal decision you have to make for yourself. But consider what's best for you. Everyone deserves happiness in their lives. I recommend that you stop feeling sorry for him. This disorder is not his fault but most of all, it's not your fault either. Is it possible for him to attend some of the counselling sessions with you? My husband has gone with me a few times. Counselling may help save your marriage or help you deal with a divorce. If you decide that's what you want.
I'm bipolar. I take my meds and see my therapist on a regular basis. I do that because I want to be happy. I don't like myself, so I get professional help. I do this for myself because I don't want anyone to pity me. I want to be as normal as I can possibly be despite this mental disorder. So I can love someone and someone can love me back the way I am. In doing all of this, it's the best I can do for my husband and our marriage. If, (may God forbid), my husband comes to me and tells me he wants a divorce, it will hurt because I love him so much. It could set me back many years but I'll understand. I won't blame him. He's in Iraq on his 2nd tour right now. He left this past January and he won't be home for Christmas either. I miss him so much, but I've managed with out him here. It's been really hard to take care of things around the house, the lawn, etc. You know, the things that most men take care of. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I may be bipolar but as long as I take my meds, I'll survive without my husband if I have to. Not very well, but I can do it. You don't have to divorce your husband to help yourself. You can stay married to him, support him (emotionally) and release yourself from HIS burden. It's whatever you choose to do. He may not be able to work and help support his family. I get disability for this disorder. If you choose to stay with him, that is something you may have to come to terms with.
Well, that's my 2 cents worth. Remember, take care of yourself first. You deserve the best of everything. Are you gonna get it? That's up to you! Hugs, HeidiRose