OK Gals, I think I need to shime in after some lurking.
It seems that there is a group of us Wives of Bipolars that get to live the reality of the disease as witness and punching bags.
For me that is a completely different take than being Bipolar and I think sometimes much harder than to be the one who has the disease, per my perspective being inside the disease keeps you more in control and sheltered as you are not aware of the hurt and damage you are inflicting. I am not saying that being Bipolar is better by any means!! For what I see in my husband his lack of awareness helps him as a shield, while who is not bipolar has to live with the constant reminder of what was said and done and how much hurt and the fear of not knowing when the next blow will come and from where.
I have been with my husband who is Rapid Cycle Bipolar/Borderline for the last 12 years, he was diagnosed in 2003. A therapist said he was Borderline Bipolar that is another degree of it and said the diagnosis was for both of us, because he was not alone for the ride. I know that most Bipolars are nonviolent and don't behave as my husband. My stepson is also diagnosed Bipolar since 10 years old. In a year on average he has left the house 3 times, in a good year only once. On top of that he travels for work and family business about once a month or sometimes 1-2 days a week. This lack of stability have made a number on everybody, we have 3 children living at home and his 2 from a previous marriage come only twice a month. I've been completely isolated from his family due to some issues created 8 years ago when he was going through a mania stage, needless to say family doesn't like me, I am completely alone with him and his family unawareness of what living with Bipolar means. My husband has been in jail twice for hitting me and the last time it was in public so they called the police, I had to lie to the DA so he would be let go and not serve time after he spent the night in jail. He is extremely smart and very succesful, works in a top level. So bringing this public would be a demise for his career.
Last year after one argument in the car he filed from divorce, came home with a recording machine, started packing everything and moving away, while I was completely heart broken thinking what did I do this time? he called the police almost got me arrested in my own house and played the recording to the policemen while he was packing. 3 days later I got served with divorce papers at my daughter's School, inside the Principal office area, that was sooo bad. Finally after 2 months, he agreed he would change doctors, go to counseling and come back, we dismissed the divorce.
We were kind of find until this last March when his father died, the rollercoaster started all over again! He dissapeared on me for 5 days back to San Francisco, I was not allowed to come with him to his father memorial/funeral in March then April
In May he says he is going to see a friend in Phoenix and dissapeared on me for another 5 days. Before he leaves I say "If you leave this time you are not coming home", he leaves and rents an apartment for one year. After he comes back from Phoenix he agrees we should try to see a counselor and see if we can fix our marriage. I agreed and for 4 months on an off we saw a therapist. He says he is coming back home and give the notice to the apartment last month, while he had been living here while not travelling.
On the last month I start seeing the falling getting closer, sleeping all the time, moody, sad, depressed, OHMY buckle up!
2 weeks ago on a Thursday after going to a therapy session and discussing the fact that I was being selfish for putting some of my business/children issues first instead of doing what he was demanding me to do to stick around he became distant again. The fact he had not done anything the Therapist asked him to do with the relationship wasn't relevant to him. Without warning on Saturday I come back home from being out with some friends to discovered he had moved all his things back to the apartment while gone. He told my daughter "I am leaving because your mommy doesn't love me", "She is mean to me", etc.
I just couldn't believe, this is happening all over again! going around the house; closets empty, drawers empty, TV gone; I was shattered! How can this be happening again!!! I told him that I didn't want him back home if he didn't mean it!!! (My mind was crying).
I took my car left the kids and went to the apartment, to my horror the apartment key I had didn't work, I had to knock, he lets me in and start the abuse all over again, "it's your fault, I hate you, can't stand you, etc. get out of my life, you are not my wife, after 3 hours if you don't leave I am calling 911".
I can't leave is 4 am, my Van is blocks away, he calls the police tells them I am being violent and I've might had been drinking. He is 6'1 and I am 5'2. Drags me out of the apartment, I leave running to my car. In my way home I am stopped by 1 patrol car with 2 policemen who take me back to the apartment complex and meet another patrol with 2 offices, so 4 officers with me. After one hour of questioning, me in my Van, they let me go telling me that this was a domestic violence issue and next time I can go to jail.
Next day I hear from him who is appologetic for what he did and says he was never aware I was downstairs in my Van while he was being questioned, all the "So sorry, I love you, I didn't mean to, I didn't know, I never thought".. don't matter to me anymore. I told him I didn't deserve to be endangered in that way for him to get me out of an apartment I had a key, he switched, he lied the police and told them we were separated.
It's been two weeks, he has asked to come back home and as I haven't bent this time, it's my fault I am not letting him to work it out this time. But, how can I trust he will stay if he has left soo many times and every time hurts as much as the first time.
I am tired, drained, scared, alone, hurt, sad, angry all the feelings you must be familiar at this point.
It's extremely frustrating to me he can continue doing this hurtful things to me and then not to remember them nor understand the severity of them. The kids are okay, used to see him gone most of the time. I am the one who miss him terrible, but what can I do! Even if I wanted to be with him I can't go to his apartment, I'm afraid of his reactions, it's like being with your love one first and a minute later with who hates you the most.
I have cried little here little there, try to wipe my tears when the kids are not around. My daughter's Bday is next week, mine in two weeks, then holidays start I just can't believe this is happening all over again!!!