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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 10/28/2008 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone.  I hope that you are doing well.  Sorry it has been a while since I posted; been busy with two babies now.
I feel like a ticking time bomb.  I am losing it so badly.  I am edgy, irritated, agitated, and tired from taking care of a now 5 week old during the night.  Being bipolar less sleep is a bad thing for me!  I sleep during the mornings when my mom comes down for about 3 or 4 hours (until time for my husband to come home for lunch) which helps me a lot.  But then today my dh starts talking about me doing that and not spending quality bonding time with our new son or our dd.  Well, how does that make me feel?  Mad!  He says that he is just talking with me; well, he upset me beyond reason.  I am trying to take care of myself so that I can take care of the kids too.  When I get up in the mornings I am edgy and irritated and crying because I am so tired and he knows this.  Then this past Sunday he and I argued about my judgment and I told him he was making me feel incompetent!! (We did it my way and it worked wonderfully, HA.)  A word he threw out at me last Sunday when we argued then too.  That is all we do anymore is argue because we are both tired now.  I understand that we fight because we are tired now but he really gets on my last nerve right now.  So does my mom and dad; just about anyone I cross paths with upsets me in some way right now.  I just want to explode.  I cry when I get upset which is my only way of venting right now.  Therefore, I cry a lot.  I have no one to talk to; I don't know where my friends are right now, busy too I guess.  I go to my pdoc tomorrow, thank goodness, although I almost called today to see if he could work me in early because I am so upset today.  I vent some to my mom but only about things that don't include her.  I feel like I need to clean my house because she only does a half job and my house is nasty to me because of it.
I just feel so alone right now!!!  We really can't afford for me to see a therapist right now; we really can't afford the $50 visit with two babies now and only my husband working.  Plus our newborn has a heart condition that we are having to take him to a neonatal cardiologist several times and he is going to wear a second heart monitor to be placed on him this Thursday.  So I have the stress of that too weighing on me. 
I just want to scream and run a way for a while.  I stopped the car the other day in a vacant parking lot and screamed at the top of my lungs for a good five minutes.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I haven't gotten the all clear from my ob/gyn to exercise yet so that is out.  I feel so alone and just like a time bomb ready to explode.  My ativan doesn't even help anymore - I flew through what I had and can't get another prescription of it until tomorrow.  So I am without.
I try so hard but when both children start crying at the same time I lose it literally.  I start crying too!!!  I don't know who cries the loudest.  My mom comes and helps everyday but I feel that I need to be able to handle my kids on my own at some point, right?  I don't know if I can; I feel so lost.
OK, so I have vented.  Any suggestions out there?  I need help and support so badly.
Thanks for listening.
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 10/28/2008 3:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I am  so sorry that you are having a hard time..... It is a good thing to have your Mother there helping you......
hugs, Caren

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/29/2008 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel for you! Having 2 little kids is stress enough, then throw some bp in there....sure, it's going to take a toll on you. I was 21 and had 3 little kids, and I know I was stressed everyday...and I don't have bp. My husband actually has it, that's why I'm here.
Is there anyway you can get away for a little while? I think having your mom there is a good thing. I mean, she probably helps a lot, right? You should be able to exercise soon, usually 6 weeks, right? So that is right around the corner...that will be good.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Raising kids is not an easy thing, especially 2 little ones. As for your house, it will get clean. Once you are feeling better you can clean it to "your" standards. It used to drive me crazy when someone else would clean my house...because it was never the way I wanted. But then I just learned to let go, at least it was half clean and not a total mess. LoL!
Is there anyway you and your husband can go out to a nice dinner, movies, or something? Sometimes it just takes one good night away from the kids and house to make things better.
I'm sorry to hear about your son and his heart problems. When my son was first born he was on a heart monitor as well. I know, for me, just sleeping at night was a task.
You have a lot of stress in your life, that's for sure. But just take one day at a time and keep posting. I know that when I vent, for some strange reason, I just feel soo much better.
Sorry, I'm not sure if my words help...but I hope they did, if even just a little. Take care, hon! I hope life gets better for you. :-)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/29/2008 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   

(((((Hugs))))) You are going to be okay, you really are. You're going through some really hard times but you're pressing on. I'm glad you're seeing the doc tomorrow. It's healthy to just want to scream and just let it all out. Taking care of two kids is really hard. Throw in lack of sleep, pressure with your husband, and a child with a heart condition, and you're going nuts, let alone the bp. You've got to take it easy. And I don't mean more ativan. (I'm a little worried on that score, by the way -- be careful with that.) You must make some time for yourself. Ask your mom to let you take a nap. After bedtime, in that sweet time (short time) when they're both asleep, make a point of doing something relaxing with your husband, even if it's just watching a tv show together. But you must relax in the short periods when you can. Don't clean, don't fret, you must relax -- it's the only time you have to do it, so make a point of it.

be well,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 136
   Posted 10/30/2008 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
((((((((Missflip))))))) I don't have much to add to what the others have said except that I am really sorry you are having such a hard time right now and that we are here for you anytime.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

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