Laying the ground rules

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2008 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I have had to lay the ground rules down with my wife is she truly wants to get help and if there is any hope in our marriage. We have one of two options at this point in our marriage. The first is to get the divorce and give what I could financially so she could get the help she needs and start a new life just like I would be. She is very aware that this was very close to happening.Being the kind of person I am I was having a very difficult time in ending it that way without at least getting her to a therapist not only for her sake but my sons as well. Sick or not it is his mother. With a lot of thought she still has to be accountable for her actions. There has been a tremendous amount of pain,guilt,resentment giving to our family through this process. She told me from the beginning that what she did was wrong and felt very shameful for actions and that she had to pay the price. Well as we all know she is not the only one that pays the price.
I expressed my hope that I would do everything I could to help her, but with conditions in place.
1. Do you feel that you need some help? that question was answered with a little denial at first but with a little talk about the past was agreed upon.
2. I will have divorce papers waiting for you when you arrive with the understanding that if we are going to rebuild this relationship it is going to have to start with a clean slate.That meaning that we are going to be a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and that trust is going to have to be earned to reclaim the marriage that we once had. We will live in the same house and respect each other in the same manner in which we wed. My son should not feel the effects of the divorce and the burden will lie with my wife. Actions speaks much louder than words. If in fact she is being truthful with me I feel that I have a chance. If not I can with good conscience know that I did truly try to help.
Her response was tearful as well as agreeable. That was this morning.I asked her to take the day to think about the choices she had with clear understanding that if she accepts those terms there is no divorce settlement and I will retain the custody of my son. If by chance she finds that she does not love me or that she decides to wonder in the relationship I will provide her with an airline ticket and ship her belongings back to her family.Under the circumstances I feel that I have protected myself and my son. I do not expect it to be easy but I think it could be a good start. I am not one to give up easy. I have a wonderful son and want  to do everything I can to keep his world enchanted with good things.
         pvguy     I have really appreciated all comments and good wishes

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/10/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   

I can definitely appreciate your need to set ground rules and boundaries. It is good of you to give the marriage one last shot and to help her get help.

Let me put a question to you -- what are you going to do if she sees a psychiatrist and it is decided that there is nothing wrong with her? What if her infidelity was not due to an illness but simply an act of infidelity? Will that change how you feel about it?

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/10/2008 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   

I have definitely given that a lot of thought. Like everyone says you are accountable for your actions either way. That is the reason this relationship is going to start with a divorce as a begining for us and not an end. Either way she will have to earn the trust that we once had. I do not believe anybody is perfect. We have alot invested in this relationship(my son). The way our world is today people always seem to take the easy way out. Family values and principles have seem to gone down the toilet. Maybe I am old school but I believe in those values and principles. I also believe it takes a bigger person to do what I am doing than to run the other way. In any case I will keep and retain my character and what ever happens I can keep my chin up and know in my heart I did every thing I could.


New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/10/2009 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Your posting could explain my life now minus your son.

At times I wished I had your strong will.

I am an enabler and have my own issues due to that. (Working on it!)

I hope this all works out for you, principles and values are more than words and you seem to be sticking to your guns,

Good Luck.
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