So we talked for a long time and he seems okay... not drinking and working on the spiritual side of things. Has a friend who made him feel better after I left that morning. I'm happy to see him finally wanting to help himself because I think as he starts letting himself just "be" without the other influences, he'll start seeing things from a different, hopefully more positive perspective...maybe learn to love himself. He's starting the move to his father's this weekend which I think will be good for him. Needs to be away from the toxic influences and people who put them out there as caring but their motives are really self-serving. I doubt he's on meds. Doesn't think he's that bipolar- said "what's to figure out", bp is "pretty simple". I don't think he believes that much of his feelings towards me and the things that were happening, his unhappiness, my sad loneliness were a product of his untreated bp mixed with stimulants and my not knowing how to respond to the situation. I know because he was like that long before we met. He said I changed from the person I was when he married me. I did- I grew. But the heart of who I am did not. My ability to have fun and be free and passionate and loving did not.
The difference: When we dated, it was fun, we got drunk together, smoked together, were a bit irresponsible and reckless and, honestly, looking back, I was no better than those toxic people chooses to surround himself with now, and that's what he like about me. As my love grew for him as my husband I started caring for him on a different, deeper level. I started caring more for his health and looking at him as the man I wanted to spend my life with. The things that made him comfortably numb...'happy' were taking over (or always had, I just started to finally take notice) killing him-physically and mentally. I saw him conflicted internally, struggling with things and it killed me that I couldn't make him see what was destroying us. But he longed for that so-called 'easy-going' and 'simple' lifestyle because it made him content and 'unique'...different from everyone else. And I was just a conformist to society...caught up like everyone else, being a slave to a mortgage, paying bills, working for someone else. But those are just things we have to do sometimes, like it or not...it's not who we are. And I THOUGHT we were doing them together. What I longed for was my best friend, spiritual growth together...being able to be content with each other without the influence of alcohol or whatever else. I don't desire a lot of material things...I do without so my family could have....I thought I was the simple one.
It's such a desperate feeling to feel someone you love so intensely slipping through your fingers and knowing that if they could just for a moment, see it through your eyes, that they might try to stop it. I've tried to understand his world through his eyes...that's why I've been to the forums for almost three years after his diagnosis. It's like you see him standing in the middle of the road with on-coming traffic and you want to run out there and push him out of the way but you know you'll get hit...and he just continues to stand there. I know, lame metaphor, but that's what it feels like for me.
He says we were just never able to communicate without fighting...which we did "all of the time" and he just saw everything as being hopeless. I saw it so differently. Saying he always felt hopeless, meant he had no desire to really try, hence, the problems. I said he was being so pessimistic, he said it's reality. I felt that anytime I tried to approach him with anything, even the smallest thing, and in the gentlest manner (on eggshells), he'd get defensive and twist what I was saying, turn it into something ugly which ultimately would end up in a fight because then I would be frantically trying to tell him, "that's not what I meant", or "I'm not mad at you", or "that's not what I think of you", but he wouldn't listen or believe me. He says, "but that's who I am, I can't change that and that's why we don't work".
I remember one time, calling his mother about something he said about another girl in front of his friends that hurt me. I was so scared to approach him about it...I wasn't. She told me to just tell him this way and in a calm manner. I told her I couldn't because I knew he would fly off the handle (he was cycling at the time). Needless to say, I did what she said, he blew up at me, and I ended up calling her back crying, saying "I told you". But when he was level, he could be so different. Easier to talk to...my friend. He doesn't see it that way, and really, what could I do about that? He said that he tried to change for the better and improve things, and he did. I DID recognize that. However, this effort on my behalf, meant that everything had to be okay now. So no issues could come up now and if they did, I got, "I'm trying to change things but nothing is ever good enough for you and I can't be the man that you need". Couldn't get sick, couldn't have a bad day at work, couldn't just be tired or quiet without everything being internalized and about me being unhappy with him. I guess that's why they call it the emotional roller coaster.
Anyway, on the up and up....the boys had so much fun. It was good to see my stepson. It was good to talk openly to my husband (even though he kept harassing me about "my boyfriend" even though he's not. Hopefully he'll find what it is he's looking for to find peace. I continue to focus on the positive aspects of life and appreciate everything I have...even the hard times can be a gift. I have had 5 months to re-discover myself and that happiness comes from within. Once I started to recognize things for what they are, and be willing to accept and learn something from all of these things, good AND bad, then I started to feel at peace. I think that it is so important to always make sure that you are moving forward no matter how fast or slow or how many times I stumble. I won't live in the past or harbor bad feelings. I've let go of all of the "wrongs" in my life and refuse to let them be an excuse for bad behavior and the condition of my happiness. When I get upset about anything now, I give myself permission to vent, cry, whatever it takes for about 5-10 minutes, and then I say, "okay, I'm done now, time to deal". I live by faith now... the KNOWING that everything will be okay, and whatever is meant to be, is meant to be. I know how hard it can be when you're in the middle of it. I wish there was some way to take everyone's hurt away, but talking/writing about it can be such therapy. As you can tell, I can ramble on sometimes!