Dear LFW, BPhubby, praying, junebug and falling apart,
It seems we are all in the same struggle - loving our BP spouses madly but being torn apart by doing so. Questioning whether we should stay or go, worrying about our children and the impact the environment at home is having on them, praying, wondering how much more we can take, holding out and hoping for the best.
Since the beginning of my husband's transformation into what seemed like another person, I have been right by his side. I admit I had to literally force him to see the first therapist to see what was wrong. It didn't take long after that for him to land in a psychiatrists' office for his first evaluation. He had such a positive turn once he started taking lithium, it was encouraging. Since then we have been thru 6 or 7 psychiatrists and several therapists. He was in all blown out denial until maybe earlier this year, but he's still "not sure that it's not all made up". For the past few years, he consistently went on/off his meds, up/down, dumped every doctor and every therapist, changed meds a lot, yelled at me and criticized me and blamed me for "convincing the doctors that something was wrong with him". He threatened to dump his treatment, stop seeing a therapist, leave me if "I wouldn't stop labeling him", "prove me to be the crazy one". I mean, he's really said it all. Anything that could be hurtful.
I found hope when we found this new clinic in Feb. 08 where he has been going this year for treatment. He seemed to be having some improvement, and I had relaxed just a little. (for a while) But he is still just as unpredictable with his hurtful words, even on medications. I mean he is downright nasty - he says controlling things to me, chastises my decisions, berates me if I have a hard day or complain about something, blames me if he is the one being cruel, it's as if he takes everything I feel pride in (being a good mother, wife, student, homemaker) and beats it down. I don't know how else to describe it. My children mean everything to me, I have created a warm home, I cook nice meals, take good care of my family, work part-time and go to school part-time. This still doesn't seem to be enough for him. He tells me "I'm not studying the right way" when I'm telling him I am under stress before final exams. He chastises me for using a babysitter a couple of days a week so I can go to school and take care of other necessary things and appts for our household. He acts as though I should be a mindreader and gets blazing mad at me if "I don't offer to take the kids away from the house" when "he needs his time". He tells me I should know "he needs his time alone" and why haven't I been doing that for years for him? (when I do this all the time). What is wrong with him? Seriously, is this the disorder, or could something else be wrong? He is constantly making things up that are said or done to him, and I can never convince him otherwise. He is always right, you know. Well, a person feels beaten down and completely unappreciated when someone keeps acting as though nothing is enough and verbally bashing them. I don't know anyone who likes to be consistently falsely accused or misjudged either. One of the counselors said he had an underlying personality disorder, and growing up with a verbally abusive dad (who we feel was probably un-diagnosed BP) and an alcoholic for some time, I'm sure didn't help as far as modeling the right behaviour for his children.
I just feel it may be impossible to live with someone who acts like my husband does.
I feel our home, my emotions and my children's emotions have been in turmoil since last week. There have been so many incidents caused by my husband, and all this when I was already tiptoeing around him knowing that this time of year stresses him out. It's as if nothing I do works. I am now feeling so depressed and hopeless about our marriage and worried about what my children are feeling and what is going to happen with our family.
I finally became so upset about it last night, he refuses to talk about it, and maybe I shouldn't even try to talk to him about it anymore because it doesn't do any good. He either blames me or says he'll work on it, then goes on as if nothing has happened...while we are all reeling. The pattern is like this...things will go on and be great for a while and I'll start to have more hope that maybe it will stay that way...then WHAM!
Is hurting those closest to you part of this disorder? And why do so many control it, or have a handle on it, but my husband doesn't?
I am not feeling the love from him anymore.
Sarafena and anyone else, please share more insight. Sometimes one thing someone says can make all the difference.