what is my problem???

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falling apart
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/24/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I know things are going to take time to get on track, but I am just not handling things well.  It seems that after spending a few hours with my husband, I start to get very uncomfortable and sort of *****y.  I feel like I am trying to start fights.  Over stupid stuff.  I feel like I have no patience for him after just a few hours.
A brief example:  tonight he showed me a mole of his he has had for a while.  It has changed quite a bit in the last 6 months -- bigger, varying color.  I told him he really needed to get it looked at and he made a smart-a** comment that "maybe it will just kill me." 
This set me off like a little time-bomb!  I jumped his case about not caring enough about our family.......I fussed at length about how selfish a statement it was, yadda, yadda, yadda.....Then, once I got started, I was on a roll.  I brought up all sorts of things he has said that I find highly insensitive.  I got up on my high-horse becasue I am trying SO hard to fight for our family and he only feels sorry for himself.  I was not the compassionate, loving wife I want to be. 
This is why I really need to stick to our seapration and only spend small amounts of time together.  In small doses, I am full of compassion and caring and love. 
From y'alls experience, is this something that counseling can "cure"?  Intellectually, I want to let go of the hurt and anger, but emotionally, I just can't.  Do I just need more time?  Am I expecting too much of myself?  Or am I not working hard enough to make it work?

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/25/2009 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey falling;

To put it simply, you are just boiling over right now. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you have just reached your limit. I have been through the same thing myself. For nearly two years all my wife did was complaing & gripe about seemingly everything. Always something negative, always complaining about something, & it usually had something to do with me and something I did or didin't do. She was always talking about how miserable she was & hated her life, just wanted to die, & didn't care, you know the drill. She has always talked like this, no matter what our situation or circumstances were. We have been together almost ten years & she has always talked this stuff.  Finally after all of this one day last sept we were fighting about nothing & she started in with the I just wanna die stuff.  The only reason she hasen't tried to kill herself is our son & she has nothing else to live for etc. etc. etc.. That is when I reached my boiling point & told her If she was that miserable then to just blow her brains out & get it over with. I know it was a horrible thing to say, and I feel terrible about it & do really regret it. But I am only human & after hearing this crap for as long as I have, it wouldn't have took this long for a lot of other people. Thankfully she is getting help & it seems like they have got her meds right for now & a lot of that has stopped, but it still comes around once in a while. I can honestly say that joining this forum & talking to you guys & seeing that I am not the only one going thru this, & that the way she acts isn't just her, but pretty normal for someone with this condition has helped me deal with things a lot better.

It could be easy for someone to tell you that you should have said this or that, but they aren't the one living your life, and dealing with this every day like you are. Until you go through it first hand, you have no idea. The best thing you can do is to work on seperating yourself emotionally from the things his condition makes him say & do. You have got to let things roll off of you. It is hard to do, but if you let the stuff get to you & sink in, it will eventually erode you away. You will always care & love him, you just hate his actions & behavior. Like the rest of us, you wish you could wave a magic wand & so on to help him, but that isn't going to happen.  He has to want to get better & stick to what his docs tell him to do. If the effort isn't coming from him, then you are just spinning your wheels.

Keep yourself strong & don't let things get to you. Remember, it isn't you, it's his condition. Don't let him push your buttons. You are the rational one in the relationship. I know it's hard, I can't follow my own advice a lot of times, but you can do it.

Take care,


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/25/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   


No there is nothing "wrong" with you.  Like rocketman said, you've reached your maximum!

And no - counselling can't cure this - but it will make things better.  Sounds confusing, but let me explain.  My DH and I were at the verge of separating, and as a last resort we tried marriage counselling (shoulda been a first)!  We saw this counsellor 1x a week for weeks!  And he didn't cure us - but he taught us how to talk to each other.  We even went to a couple of marriage workshops that taught us how to have a fight properly, in a way that the one partner is listening and the other partner sticks to the 1 topic at hand.  A good counsellor will not solve your problems but they will teach you how to solve them yourself so that 1) you're not in counselling for the rest of your life! and 2) in the days between seeing the counsellor when those little things do come up you have the tools to deal with them.

I think that counselling will do you both some good - couples counselling and individual counselling for yourself.  Don't forget you've been dealing with this for some time, I'm sure you have LOTS to get off your chest!

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/25/2009 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you need marriage counseling right now -- I think you need YOU counseling. And I wouldn't go looking for "cures." What you need, like BD_Spouse said, is a chance to get all this bound up frustration off your chest and a person who will listen to you, validate your frustration, and teach you ways to deal with it which are more healthy and more satisfying for you. You've been dealing with his problems for so long right now, one more thing is too much. I don't blame you for going crazy on him. It might not have been the best thing to do, but it's not the end of the world and you've been putting up with a lot of his crap. He can take it. Don't worry about it. Take care of yourself more, and you'll be more available for him, and that's where the counseling comes in.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

falling apart
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/25/2009 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks guys! Serafena, not only can he take it, he cannot even remember it right now (Ambien had already kicked in before I got on my roll). So, I won't beat myself up over it [for now ;)]. I am in "me" therapy weekly right now, and my counselor is really working with me on changing my language, taking a "time-out" when I feel frustrated, etc. I just haven't gotten to a place where I am conditioned to behave the way I should.

I am just glad to know that I am not alone, it is a common reaction and I should eventually learn how to let it roll off my back. I am just so haunted by the things he has said and done, when one more thing gets said or done it sets me off. I can't help feel that if/when he gets to a point where he does realize how his actions affect others, the bad stuff may happen less and less. Then we can live in harmony.

Thanks again Rocket, BD and Serafena! Y'all are great support!

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/25/2009 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi falling apart,

I agree with Rocket and Serafena.  You need the therapy for yourself.  There's been lots that has happened in your relationship with your husband and you need time to learn how to cope with it all.

My therapist also told me to concentrate on getting counseling for myself first so I can learn to cope better with my husband's bp.  Marriage counseling will maybe be next.  As I have been complaining earlier, I have also reached a boiling point where I can only continue to take so much of his verbal abuse.  But here I continue to be.

Keep strong falling apart.  Just believe that it cannot possibly get any worse than it is now...that's what I keep repeating to myself.




happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 1/25/2009 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   


   You need to get yourself on track first. You ahve been thru hell and you need to give yourself time to heal. And not to worry, there will be good days, a few great days, and a few crappy days, but you will find your way thru this mess to a better place.

    Keep posting. You will find this to be a very supportive and understanding community. Many people here from both sides of the problem and we are all here to give support.

   Good luck and tommrrow will be better.


falling apart
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/26/2009 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I love this forum! It always makes me feel better. smilewinkgrin

I just feel like such a hodge-podge of feelings and emotions, I am having a hard time sorting through it all. I want to be compassionate, loving and strong........then WHAM I want to throttle the man! I want to rebuild my marriage and keep my family in tact, then something is said to remind me what it might be like to stick around and I just want to chuck it all and move on.

I meet with my counselor tomorrow at 10........that will help! :-)

Thanks again guys! Everybody have a GREAT DAY!!
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