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Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/26/2009 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there.  Perusing this board today has been very helpful for me.  I have my first "pdoc" appt tomorrow morning.  I'm nervous.  Part of me doesn't want to go.  I'm afraid med side effects might make life worse.  I guess my life now is the only life I know but it is familiar.  I'm also afraid that the doc will not think I'm bipolar when I'm pretty sure I am.  And then I like when I am feeling good and don't really want that to go away.  Being the life of the party is pretty sweet when it happens.  And it's really the only time I get anything done or feel normal.
But I did make the appt for a reason, though. I guess stability might be a new thing for me.    But I have teh feeling that I can be and do so much more than I am.  I have always just sort of thougth of my lack of "consistency" (dropping out of life for 2 months a few times a year as a personality defect of some kind. My family is pretty accepting and refers to it as hibernating.  That, of course, is the friendly way of putting it.  I literally am just not capable of much in the way of human interaction for a while.  It takes tremendous energy to be present enough for my husband and 2 yr old son during those times.  (I'm 31, fyi.)
And my son...  I love him so much.  I have him in 20 hours/wk daycare right now just for me to function.  Not work.  Just live.  Some weeks, I go a little insane bc that's just not enough and I find myself barking at him for just being a 2 yr old.  Other weeks, it feels like a luxuriously long time and I get a ton of stuff done. What's scary though is that he is doing what all children do and absorbing my mannerisms-- including the barking/tantrum.  I dont want to teach my son to handle things (or rather not handle them) like I do. 
Anyway, I don't know why it hadn't dawned on me until a couple of weeks ago that I might have this.  My mom has been in and out of mental hospitals my whole life.  And on some psychiatric drug or another for the last 25 years.  Often to no avail.  She still doesn't function much.  And she tends to use any and all of her ailments, mental and otherwise, as badges of honor. 
I was in therapy as a teenager for 5 years and diagnosed at one point as bipolar when I was 17.  When I found out about the drug testing required for lithium, I refused.  So they put me on prozac which worked for a little while but then stopped after about 9 months so I stopped taking it and then refused to take anything else (I was a teenager, after all).  I almost messed up a 60%  off tuition scholarship for college bc my last semester in hs I decided wasn't really necessary for me.  I was in advanced honors so technically I had finished my hs level classes junior year.-- that was my thinking.  And wouldn't that time I would be in school be better spent working more hours at my high school job at a restaurant.  And I was having an affair with my 31 year old manager too.  And many many speeding tickets, warrants, fender benders, and a broken fence I ran into in teh middle of teh night and drove away from. 
There are many more stories like this and as I'm typing this I'm realizing just how out of control I was.  But my memory/feeling of it at the time was not that being of out of control, per se.  Just frustration that the world was so constricting and that no one understood me even a little -- but again, don't all teenagers feel that last one. 
I guess I'm feeling a little silly for not having figured this out sooner.  Things are not as wild now.  I do have a loving marriage and a wonderful son.  I just don't want to mess those things up.  And I would maybe like to actually be productive in my part time business for more than 1 month at a time. 
So that's the jist.  Thanks for reading.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/26/2009 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ktown,

Welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar board. We can definitely relate, I am sure. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. Whether you are bipolar or not (although if you'd already been diagnosed once, it sounds likely) it'll be good to have a diagnosis and something you can treat. You'll feel better one way or another.

I have my daughter in preschool also, partially because I can't function with her home with me all day. I was getting very depressed as a stay-at-home-mom. Very frustrated. Getting her into preschool was the best idea we ever had. She's happier, I'm happier. Hooray. So try not to beat yourself up about it. You do what you have to. I'm sure he's a great little guy.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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