so Im not alone

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/22/2009 10:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been with my wonderfull wife for 14 yrs now we have three beutifull boys..17..10 and 3 yeah I know the maths doesnt work. My youngest boy was born with VACTRIL syndrom. He is very well now thanks to the wonderfull world of medicine. 1 year ago this month my wife had an affair, upon discovery of this she claimed not to know why saying lack of attention too much drinking on my behalf and some other hurtfull things. I got up brushed myself off and tried to cope.We went on a vacation with the family where we met some friends. After the vacation it came to my attention that the wife was continuing a relationship with one of our friends. He too was encouraging it stating he loved her and wanted to marry her. At this point they had only met once and i was there. Over the year she was hiding stuff..e calls even sending money and gifts to him. It was after i disoverd this i suggested she go to the doctors. She was insatntly diagnosed with post partem escalted to clinical depression. She was put on meds and seemed to be getting better. Unknown to me she was getting better...better at hiding things and being decieptfull, stopped taking meds and then pooof out of the blue took all our money left me and the kids and split. Now Im not knocking my wife, this was totally out of character for my wife to do this. I was so concerned I filled out a missing person report, spoke to her doctor who then told me about manic depression. I traced my wife to the vacation country where she went to be with a stranger she had only met once. The baby got sick, I texted her (no reply) my oldest got upset about his mom got the jail, I texted her (no reply) This is a woman who has been the backbone of this family and just went out of control. Upon her return I managed to get her to the Doctor where they have now put her on Anti Psycotic and Anti Depressants which I give to her in the correct order and times. I truly do love my wife and need her but I am at my wits end..she seems to have no respect nor love for me or the children we want our wife and mother back. She is suspected bi polar or worse which has been a fear for her for several years having two schizophrenic uncles and a mother and aunt with psycological issues of their own. She seems scared but has no remorse for what she has done and has also over the last year painted me as the devil in carnate to friends and family. I am not perfect, none off us are but living with this over the last couple off years from what I can think back to is hard. I feel she cannot look at me or the children, acts like everything is OK but wont even give me a kiss or say I love you. While speaking with the doctor she explained the wifw had a hypomanic episode when she took off, and that this may not have been the first but certainly the first major one. What do I do from here, I love her and our kids need her but I dont know if I am strong enough to do this anymore. The anti psycotic drug makes her she goes to bed early without saying goodnight and the anti depression drug seems to make her numb and non interested in anything family wise. Is this normal and how long before the meds take effect before we can expect to see our GRL back to who she was?

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/23/2009 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry that your family went through such a rough time because of your wife's psychosis. It is good that your wife finally got diagnosed. It is difficult for your wife to feel remorseful unless she has completely recovered. It takes time for the medication to take effect. Antipsychotics do make a person drowsy but the effect wears off gradually. I have been on medication for over a year and half and I still do not feel as enthusiastic about life as I was before medication. Perhaps before medication, my hypomania made me excited about everything...not with it gone, I am a very relaxed person.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/24/2009 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 4mygirl,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

I'm sorry to hear of all you have been through. It sounds truly heartbreaking.

I can't tell exactly how long your wife has been on her medication from your post, but it sounds like it's been some time. The side effects of the medications usually wear off within a month/ six weeks or so. If it's been longer than that, then your wife should probably try new meds if she doesn't like the way the way they make her feel.

But shebsy has a good point, your wife may never be quite the girl she was before. Bipolar has reared it's ugly head, and the medications can manage the symptoms, but they can't change her back to the way she was before. It sounds like she's still pretty depressed, and could use some talk therapy. That may help.

Good luck,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/24/2009 11:18 PM (GMT -7)   

4mygirl, I hear your cries saying, "I don't know how much longer I can do this".  Given what you have described, we can all understand that feeling.  The thing is, while choosing to stay is a fine choice, please understand, choosing to put down the gauntlet is alright too.  There is no one here who would judge you for choosing to say enough, it is time to focus on the kids and yourself and rebuild your lives, visiting with mommy when she is well enough, but letting go of the marriage, and moving into love and caring for her as a family member you simply choose not to live with anymore either.  Please understand I am not encouraging you to either stay or go, only you know what you can handle or want.  But I sometimes think that what keeps some of the spouses in these situations is not realizing you have a right to leave it if you want too.  It is also okay to look at your own life and say you have had enough and want to let go.  After all, what makes our spouses any more important than us?  They're not, and our health and happiness need to count on the value scale as much as theirs do.  No it would not be any of our first choices to leave, but sometimes we don't get our first choices to have spouses whose conditions stabalize and we get our partner and lives back.  Sometimes we do.  Sometimes it is a matter of hanging in there long enough.  But sometimes that day, as sad as it is, has gone, and our loved one, as we knew them, is gone.  And either we make peace with the new person who is now here, or we don't. 

I will share with you that my situation is highly different from yours.  My H does not suffer from BP at the level you discribe, his is milder.  BUt please understand, by no means does that mean it is a easy life with him.  His irritability, low frustration tolerance, and snarling can be daily events as he rapidly cycles - over NOTHING.  I am lonely a lot in this relationship.  And to make things harder, my two boys also are BP/ADHD (15 & 8 years).  Only my daughter (age 8) seems clear of the BP, but she may have some ADHD issues as yet to be determined. is NEVER easy.  More pleasant some times than others, but never easy.  I tell you this to point out, that if my H suffered at the level as you wife, I don't know that I would want my kids to have to daily be faced with the issue of dealing with this day in and day out, as they grow.  I may want to create an environment of stability, love and safety for them, while encouraging a healthy relationship with mom when she is capable.  The fact is, I don't walk in your shoes.  ONLY YOU DO, and ONLY you can make the best decision for yourself, and your kids.  Like I said at the beginning....ONLY you know the right thing to do, but it is important to understand you will not be judged if you ever choose to leave....and whatever choice you make is alright.  MY best wishes for you.  LFW


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