Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 3/1/2009 9:59:00 AM (GMT-7)
Thank you for caring and taking the time to post. I hope things are better for you. I can only imagine what you are going through. It has to be very frustrating and very draining on every level of your energy. I'm sending good thoughts your way in hope that the perfect job finds it's way to you.
You have so much going on at home too. Are you still getting therapy for yourself? I'm sending (((BIG HUGS))) your way! I hope that you can feel them as you read this!
I'm still hangin tough! The new med change has only helped an inch. I see my Psych. on Monday again and he will definitely have to either increase my meds BIG TIME or start me on something new.
I can't tolerate much more of this! I'm rapid cycling so fast, up and down throughout the whole day. I’m very irritable and I feel so sorry for my hubby. He gets very annoyed with me…and who can blame him? I try to tell him how difficult it is for me right now and to just not snap back at me because it only makes me want to snap right back at him and then we progress to an argument. I don’t expect him to just take my irritability but I need for him to understand that I am in a very difficult place right now and I am doing all I can to try to get better but the new med adjustment just isn’t working. He knows I’m seeing my therapist weekly right now and I’m seeing my Psych on Monday. I just need for him to bear with me right now. I don’t mean to be so irritable but it just comes out of me and REALLY at this point I can’t control it. It's really NOT ME!
I know it is hard for him too and it’s not fair for him to go through this. I’m not doing this on purpose and I’m really trying to get my meds right. I don’t know what more I can do. I told him that maybe he should just really try to not interact with me until things get better. But that is easier said then done. We do live together and have to communicate.
I understand what he is going through but I don’t think that he can actually understand what I am going through. He gets so mad at me for how irritable I am but I’m seriously having a difficult time right now.
My therapist suggested that maybe my Psych might suggest that I go into the hospital to get a flushing out of all my current meds and try to start over. I don’t want that and neither does my husband. I hope we can fix this without that happening.
Ugh! I seem to do the best when I am just all alone.
~Wishing you and I better days ahead~
Sukay, my friend, BIG HUGS back to you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry you are feeling so destabilized. I see similar issues with my H right now. I doubt to the extreme you are feeling them, but they are there none the less. As a spouse, I have empathy for your hubby as well as you. Neither side of this is pleasant. It is a shared experience, just from opposite ends of the experience. I will share however, for whatever it is worth, that if my H snaps, and I feel a snap coming back at him....and that whole tree thing starting, I do find disengaging with him helpful. But I also find it helpful when he hears himself over-react and on the VERY RARE of moments....steps back and says, "Stop...I didn't mean how bad that came out, you know what I meant...don't say anything back to me right now!" It seems to get me off the hook because it is at least in that moment I don't feel like I have to defend myself. Which most times I do. Maybe, when you catch yourself, you can at least say that to your H and maybe avoid one of those arguments?
I want whatever it is that helps you get the right meds, at the right levels for you. Hang in there sweetie and recognize that you WILL get to the other side of this...I don't know when, but you will. I sometimes think that women have it rougher than men in trying to keep meds level because of all the hormone fluctuations that occur for us ladies every month. It must be very hard to stay stable because of that. I wish they would try to track "lady cycles" as part of the treatment and create meds that will allow for a little more or less, on the days that have spikes or drops. Otherwise, how do you ever get level?
Try to be extra kind to yourself and watch A LOT of comedies right now! Laughter in its own way is a good medicine at times. And if you share one of those laughs with your hubby, can help sometimes too. Feel better my friend. <<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>> LFW
(((Big Hugs back at ya)))
You're absolutely right! I do hear myself being more snappy but what I need to do is to let him know that I hear it in myself and quickly apologize and ask him to please not say anything back to me.
How hard that must be for him!...lol I guess he deserves to give it right back to me back but I have to TRY HARD not to give it right back at him!...lol That is the vicious circle that we both go through. So I need to NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!! It's HARD!!! That's why we really are trying to give each other some huge space while I'm getting use to the new med adjustments.
Well I see my pdoc this afternoon and we'll see what his next plan of action is. I will keep you posted.
Thanks so much for your support~ ~
Wow...so glad to hear that your husband has initiated couples therapy! Yahoo! How great for you! Finally a break through! I can't wait to hear how things went for both of you. I really hope this is the beginning of all new and wonderful things for both of you! (((Hugs)))
I saw my pdoc on Monday and he doubled the dosage of my mood stabilizer. It hasn’t kicked in yet but hopefully by the end of the weekend or next week it should. (Fingers crossed)
So far it has made no difference, but I know I have to give it time. But I have noticed that it makes me very tired in the afternoon where I need to take a nap. Then it is a very deep nap where I fight to get out of sleep. It is like I am half consciously awake and hear everything that is going on but I can't get my eyes to open. Plus the afternoon naps leave me with some terrible dreams. So I wake up from these naps very stressed out. This happened before to me when I would try a new medication until my body got use to it. So I hope things settle down in that area.
I'll keep you posted and would love to have you keep us posted as well as to your couple’s therapy.
Wishing you wellness.
Hi Sukay, I liked the therapist and her style was to cut through the chat, story, defense and just get down to the truth of the problems and how we feel. I think in our first session she got to see a lot of dynamics take place already. First we talked about BP in our house and she pointed out how sad that 3 out of 5 are, and how hard that must be. Then she asked me to some up how and when I found out about my H being BP and my feelings about it all. She noticed that my H got immediately uncomfortable with this and confronted him. He then shared his point of view and "expressed" how he thinks I go on and on and present a very tainted point of view that is not accurate, and how to him I sounded negative and accusing of him. She then told him, while she can totally respects that this is his experience of it, she wanted him to know just for perspective - she did not experience what I said that way AT ALL. She felt I was concise and VERY kind in everything I said, and the way I said it. Then she saw my frustration hearing him accuse me, and I got to share that I don't know what to do because, just like this played out, I don't experience myself the way he is, and therefore, I have NO IDEA how to change this except to emotionally pull away. And neither one of us is happy. There was lots more too as we all learned about each other. I thought it went well. I was not sure how my H was going to feel about her style, but he liked her (for the moment anyway) so now it is just about how we are going to afford her! We are going to see her once a week for a few months, and she is NOT on our insurance....OUCH! But, my H admitted how important this is for us. I'll keep you posted.
You hang in there while you adjust to the new meds. You will balance off and feel so much better I am sure. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for a quick adjustment. HUGS…LFW
Sukay, Well...so far so good. It is interesting that because we are in therapy, and he knows I will say something to the therapist he is being quite pleasant and (for him) helpful. It feels like he doesn't want to be "told on" to her. It’s as if the pressure of that is enough to bring out the best of him.....at least for now. He actually volunteered to do the grocery shopping this week. It has been a much more pleasant household with his calmer behavior for ALL of us. While I am happy about the improvement, I have also been down this road countless times before and I am not feeling optimistic that it is now going to last. I don't believe it will. Does that make me terrible? The one thing I think I can count on with this illness is that it sabotages any permanence. I really would like consistency and REAL changes that stay consistent. But I don't believe it will ever be and I feel HORRIBLE for saying that, but it is my truth. Don't get me wrong. CERTAINLY this has been by far a more pleasant week that I can remember in a long while, but part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop (sort of speak). I don't want feeling that to cause me to prompt it to drop either. I am looking for sabotage from me too.
How are you doing? Are you starting to balance out a bit? Gosh I hope so. I know how rough it is when it is like that. You just get so tired of being in your own body you wish you could unzip your skin for a while....step out....take a break....I have felt that countless times with my fibromyalgia and psoriasis. Sometimes my skin just hurts, my body is just aching....and there is no relief, it just goes on and one. So for different reasons....I do get it. But, we got what we got, and we get to make the best of it. Sometimes when my skin is taunt from feeling achy and swollen, or extra itchy, soaking in an oil bath with hot water really helps for a bit. While I am in it, and for a bit after, it becomes tolerable for a very little while. Is there something you can do like that? How about getting a massage?
I am wishing you all good things! Big <<<<hugs>>> LFW
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I have had a lot of special event dates on my calendar that has kept me quite busy!
I've been doing very well with this last med adjustment. I think I have been able to keep up with crossing all my T’s so to speak! lol
Everything is going quite well for me and I think I just become much stronger and wiser with every episode that comes my way. I really don't want to use the word episode but I cannot find the right word that I am looking for right now. lol
What I am trying to say is that I learn something new each time a trial comes my way. I thought I was in a very good place with my bipolar and so did my family before I had this last breakdown but through this I have found that I am even more stronger and sure of myself than I was before...if that makes any sense to you.
Anyway, I am glad to hear that your husband has made some concessions in his life and that you are seeing and feeling the effects from them. I am sorry that his past actions has caused you to lose faith in him. All I can tell you is that if he is honest with himself in trying to work his bipolar through it will continue to get easier for him and better for you and the family. And I can have my friends, family & husband attest to that fact.
How have things been going for him and you since your last post? Is he keeping up with his commitment of working through his issues with his bipolar? How are you holding up in the process?
Wishing you both Peaceful days & wellness.
Hi Sukay, I only have a moment to say hello. I think it is SO great that you can see your own progress even in the down moments of a cycle. THAT IS progress.
Things here have been interesting, but still overall better. My H and I are still in counseling, and it is going....okay. I think the therapist is very good, my H agrees. We have started dealing with issues about my mom and my H, and the therapist immediately had my mom come in and have a session with me. I think it was good, and I think my mom got a few things that she is applying. I think she understands that when she comes in and tries to help by taking over, given her execution of it, it backfires and just causes more problems for me in the end. So that was good. I think she can now also see that my H had a right to not like the way in which she was "being" helpful. So she changed her style, asks first now, and things seem to be calming down. So all in all...GOOD stuff.
We have backed off medication for our youngest son for a little while as it didn't seem to be positively being affected enough to feel confident in what we were striving for. SO, we are re-evaluating things and look at it again with some fresh eyes.
The rest of the family is holding steady with a month of sprained ankles and strained shoulders....GOODY....MORE ER bills!!!!!!!!!!!LOL
I am so glad to hear your new medication levels are really working for you. That is FANTASTIC! My fingers are crossed that it stays balanced like that from now on. HUGS...LFW