new and need help -- bipolar husband

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/10/2009 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi...I'm new and I'm scared. My husband is bipolar -- we've been married almost 9 years. Things get a little better, and then a little worse, then a lot better, then a lot worse. I am at the end of my rope and just hanging on the best I can. I go to my own therapist every other Wednesday night after work (she is being kind and giving me her latest appointment so I don't have to take any more time off work), and once a month I go to a Bipolar Family Support group. My husband has alienated one of my sons (his stepson) so badly, that my son will no longer come over to our home, and so the night I go to the therapist, I usually go out to dinner or visit with my son for a few hours, so I'm only seeing him once every two weeks. But now my husband has started falsely accusing me of infidelity. He is sure I'm having an affair. It's so ridiculous, because I've never done anything to give him reason to suspect that -- I don't even see any of my female friends or go out and do anything anymore. Just work, and then home -- to whatever surprises are in store here at home =( He keeps making barbed sarcastic comments about my "doctor appointments" and how convenient it is that I've got one every week. Well, for God's sake, I'm in therapy because I'm trying to keep my marriage from unravelling and trying to keep myself from drowning in all of the chaos. So I feel like I'm having to provide an alibi for my medical appointments and my visits with my own son. Last night it was so bad I was trying to show my husband my appointment reminder cards so he could verify the times and dates, but he wouldn't even look at them, he just glared at me. Please help...just some words of advice or encouragement. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm dying inside.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 3/10/2009 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Is your husband currently in therapy or taking any medications? I'd also recomend he go with you to therepy or both of you go to a councelor, it dosn't sound like he is getting any medical help. I'm the BP in my relationship so I really can't give too much advice for your side of the fence; I have no idea why my husband has stuck around.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/10/2009 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Inertia, is your husband on medication?  Does he work? Does HE see a therapist?  Or, are you doing all the work?  I ask these questions because IF he is on medication, it is time to speak to his pdoc and share with him the behaviors you are seeing.  If you are NOT in couples therapy, perhaps it is time to look at doing some of that.  I totally respect how you feel.  I am also a spouse of a BP, and it is NOT an easy life with all the moodiness.  BUT, if my H was not medicated, seeing his pdoc regularly, seeing his therapist with some consistency...and I was not included as part of his wellness team allowed to talk to the doctors too....I would NOT still be here love or not.  My H does do all those things and it is STILL hard enough in my home with my young kids.  AND I would certainly NOT put up with having to justify seeing my own child ANYTIME i wanted.  It sounds like your son is grown, is that correct?  The fact is, as a spouse, we tend to forget we count too, as much as our BP spouse and their illness does.  And staying or leaving the relationship is still our free will choice to make, and BOTH have their value.  So to you I say don't put up with behavior like that.  You don't need to justify anything.  Don't engage in rediculous conversations that has no winners.  You know what you are doing, you know it is not betraying next time he starts in, telll him he is welcome to come join you at therapy and group, however your time with your son is yours and if he doesn't like it, too bad.  Do not play the game he is baiting you to play with him. 

I wish you the best.  LFW


New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/11/2009 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry...should have clarified some more details, since I'm new. 
He does work.  He is in therapy and takes a lot of different meds -- and I dread every time the dr. changes or adjusts his meds because who knows if it will make him manic, or rage, or depressed. 
Last night we had a huge blow up -- I was so frustrated and angry.  He went to a female former co-worker's house for several hours, said he was hanging out with her husband, but I don't know either of them at all, or if the "husband" even exists -- and he came home reeking of pot and alcohol and cigarettes.  I was furious that he would drive like that, but he insisted he wasn't impaired.  I feel he was.  Then he promised he'd never do it again (I've never known him to get behind the wheel when he's had too much in the 10 years we've been together).  When I told him how hurt and angry I am when he does this kind of thing and then has the nerve to falsely accuse me of cheating on him, he said, "Oh, I know you aren't cheating on me."  After two weeks of innuendo and accusations!  I said, "Have you known this all along, or did you suddenly have an epiphany and figure it out?"  And he replied, that he still wasn't convinced, but he knew he had to trust me.  WTH????
I feel so mixed up and walked on and...I can't even put it into words.     

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/11/2009 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mice_elf,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. Don't let this go to far. Your husband's behavior boarders on abusive and there's no reason you need to put up with it. Put him on notice that you won't put up with his manipulations and game playing. Lay it on the line: no driving intoxicated, period. No false accusations -- invite him to go with you to one of your appointments or with you to see your son if he has any doubts about what you're doing. If he keeps it up, tell him you'd rather leave than be with someone who's going to belittle you and make you afraid. And that's what it's got to come down to. How much are you willing to put up with?

Sorry to be so harsh. I hope you will see I mean well.

Be well,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/12/2009 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the reality check, guys.  I know the way he treats me when he is manic is not okay, not normal, not acceptable.  The problem is that I let it get too far, right at the very beginning of our relationship, and now trying to re-write the rules and set boundaries is so difficult.  When I try to set limits about what behavior is acceptable, he says I'm being a control freak and trying to dictate to him.
He doesn't seem to "get it" that he is NOT autonomous, he does not live alone on an island, that there are two of us in this relationship -- more than two, if you consider the kids as well (I have three adult sons, the youngest just turning 18).  If his behavior only affected him and him alone, then that would be completely his business.  But it doesn't.  Almost everything he does affects me, too.  I feel like there are so many things I've given up, bent over backwards for him, changed the way I do things, just to TRY to make him happier, to avoid making waves or causing trouble.  But now that I'm standing up more now for my own feelings and wishes, he says I've changed, I'm distant, I must not love him anymore.  Trying to re-define the rules at this point is so hard.  And I can only talk to him about it when he is in the lull between mania and depression -- and even then he doesn't like talking about our relationship, he gets irritable, he changes the subject. 
I do love him -- and that's why I've stayed with him this long, and keep trying to keep our marriage from breaking.  When he is being "normal", acting like the man I met and fell in love with, he is funny, brilliant, fun to be with, loving, and kind.  When he turns into Mr. Hyde, I just wish he'd go live in a cave far away from me.
I don't want to leave or give up my home.  And I don't ever want it to get so ugly that I feel like I have to demand that he leaves.  We have a significant amount of debt that I'm working to pay down.  I'm so grateful that he works and has been faithful to give me money for the bills -- I've talked to women who's husbands have ruined them financially cashing out CD's, retirement accounts, big ticket impulse purchases, etc. 
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