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not on a positive trip
New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 3/21/2009 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   


This is a long post, the help I seek is toward the bottom but I hope you will read the whole post. I am desperate to find somebody I can relate to.

I just went to my first AA meeting tonight. I am going again tomorrow and then to church. I have an appointment with my talk therapist on Tuesday morning and I start an intensive outpatient alcohol addiction program this week. I am also getting re-evaluated for bipolar or whatever else I am dealing with. I have a Dx of bipolar manic with rapid cycling. I have been abusing alcohol for years to self medicate and its not working, never has. I have a predisposition to be an alcoholic which has caused this mess and made it so much worse. I started out taking Depakote and that really took the fight out of me. I was in bed at 9 every night; I was scared to death I was going to get fired on a daily basis. My weight swelled by 30lbs, I had chronic diareah, and it didn’t do enough for my temper and it gave me sexual side effects as well. I started breaking down so I went back to my psychopharmacologist and started taking Lamictal to stabilize the downs. I was also on Risperdol for the intense anger feelings I had but it didn’t seem to help because I had the outbursts first then took the pill; it was the cart before the horse. I’m on Trileptal now and Lamictal. I like the Trileptal because my weight is down, my creativity and drive is up but so is my temper. I started drinking heavily to help knock back the anger issues I have. I have been hiding this from my wife for years though I get caught eventually and we get in a big fight and she urges me to do something about it. I start but never follow through. When I’m drinking I try not to take my medicine at night because it makes it hard to attend to the children in the middle of the night when I am so zonked out, heaven forbid the house ever caught on fire. I also black out and treat my wife with savage meanness and swear at her. I never know I did it until the next day. I am so ashamed, that moment of dread when I realize I have done it again feels like I swallowed a boulder. This feeds right back into the self-loathing I have. No wonder she wants out. She was always the happy go lucky type, affectionate, witty, real sharp, really pretty. She is still all of those things except with me. I have beaten it out of her (figuratively). I also snore when I drink and take the medication which is a tip off to my wife about how much I have been drinking. The result of not taking my meds at night is that I frequently forget the pills and get out of my routine which makes things worse, not to mention what effects the alcohol has on the effectiveness of the drugs when I do take them.

This weekend was the last straw for my wife. She is seeking a separation because of how unhappy she has become over the past years with my temper and hiding my drinking from her. The trust and the love is gone. I have lost everything that has ever meant anything to me in my life. I come from a broken home and just so wanted a tightly knit happy family and I had it. Now I have destroyed it. I think I can count on my two hands and feet the number of times I have not tucked my kids in and read them a good night story and my oldest is 7. This is devastating to me. I am truly a broken man and I want my wife back, I love her so much and never wanted to hurt her. I’ve always know she was “the one.” I get up and work every day, I am a highly functioning alcoholic. Did I mention that I am incredibly self-righteous as well?

I really need help with anger and frustration tolerance. I clamp my teeth together so hard that I am amazed that they don’t shatter. My jaw muscles are like iron. I do this to keep in outbursts of anger when dealing with my family. My responses are totally out of line with what the situation requires. I just can’t help it. I have no filter, its out before I even know I thought it. It’s like a lightning bolt. At times, more than I care to admit I can instantly envision pushing, slapping, or punching my kids in those flashes. I never have done that and never will but I still have these visions and it’s just awful. I hate myself for it; this just feeds back into the larger loop. I drink to lessen the degree of my temper so I can minimize these visions and not be so gruff with my sweet kids. I feel like a terrorist and my wife and kids are the victims and I feel powerless to stop it. I want to know what’s wrong with me and where I can get help. It’s cruelly ironic that the very thing that makes me most happy is the thing that I get so outraged about. I guess I won’t have to deal with these triggers very much anymore now that I won’t have daily interaction with my family. I am so hungry right now and eating or the thought of eating makes me nauseas. I feel like someone scooped my guts out with an ice cream scoop.

I am looking for anyone or any resources that deal with frustration tolerance, self-medication, and creativity in bipolar and the effects of medication. I already know about "Touched by Fire" and an "Unquiet Mind" so anything additional or a review of these books would be helpful. Sorry about the rambling and unstructured post, its off the cuff.


{I edited the post to bring it in line with Forum Rule #1 -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 3/21/2009 10:17:33 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/21/2009 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi notonapostitivetrip,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I certainly hope we can offer you some help and community here.

I think the first thing you need to concentrate on is the alcohol. Alcohol renders the pills meaningless. If you're drinking -- you might as well as not be taking the pills at all. Now I know what I'm asking of you and how difficult it is, but it's what you've got to do if you want to get better. Do whatever it takes. Do rehab again and stick with it this time. You've already said you're in AA. You're seeing a therapist -- that's great. Maybe if you can show your wife you're doing everything you can to turn you're life around, she'll consider coming back.

Good luck,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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