I just had to tell my kids that I was going to live somewhere else. My wife and I are separating and we just broke the news. My stomach hurts from crying so hard. My daughter is 6 and a half and she was very upset and confused. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. My son is just too young to understand. He won’t get it until he understands my absence.
My daughter had her neuropsychological eval on Friday and she is probably going to be ADHD with some Oppositional Defiance. She is so sweet but so tough. I just run out of patience so fast and start yelling and getting in her face just making it worse. Maybe its better I go, I just love her so much and I know she knows it. Is it BP Mania that gives me such a short fuse that only gets exacerbated by her behavioral problems?
I’m getting evaluated by the same Doc and I tell you, I hope I’m ADHD OD and I can be done being BP. I’ve had it. One of the many reasons I drank was to dull my senses so I would be less quick to snap, be overbearing, and a staunch disciplinarian. My reactions are most often too strong for the infraction but each one builds on itself. I try to choke it back time after time but it begins taking on a life of its own and I explode. This can be a period of 20 mins or two hours. I feel powerless and like a failure as a dad which of course led to more drinking.
Mental illness is cruel and unfair. If we spent as much money as we do advertising for booze maybe we would be getting somewhere in treating mental health. Something better that doesn’t produce awful side-effects, life-long dependency, relapses, etc. I want me back, I want a normal me, whatever that is, I want my family back, I want my wife and kids back. I want to give my mental health back. Here higher power, hold this for me I’m all done with it.
My sweet little boy, my sweet little girl. Yes I have visitations and plenty of it but its not the same as putting them to bed every night and being there when they wake up. I just want to wake up and this is all a bad dream.