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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/29/2009 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I found this site probably in the state that many probably do and that is broken and at wits end.  I am a 43 year old male married to a wife who has been in and out of hospitals and in patient treatment centers.  All the result of a monster of a father.  She is amazing and outwardly very successful.  A bank CFO and well thought of in that community.  On various meds from time to time and usually deals with the daily stuff really well.  Until she doesn't.  We're a wierd couple.  Me, probably overly emotional and sentimental, a real softy wanting us all "to just get along".  She, a very independent and aloof person liking her aloneness.  Very much like a siamese cat.  Also, a real worker.  A corporations dream
So, what's the problem?  Lexapro seems to be working pretty well.  Until it doesn't.  Then, I am the root of all things wrong.  It's not unusual for me to being apologizing profusley and asking for forgiveness.  I spend at the rate of 10:1 seeking answers, reading about the relationship, and trying to work solutions.  That usually means that i am giving something or accepting a dress down like many of you know a person with BP can deliver.  At times, I begin to believe i am indeed the problem.  Stop wanting to be with her.  Stop wanting affection.  Stop being so darn needy and all would be great. 
The most recent "melt down" brought me here.  After going to Marrigae Builders website and reading about what needs I am not fulfilling of hers, I finally thought that maybe I should search to see if others are coping with the same scenario.  Voila.  My wife moved to Scottsdale, not with my endorsement of course, and took our 9 month old baby with her.  I attempt to visit often and was just kicked out of the house there threatened with police action if I did not leave.   All because i left the house and went up to a local pub for a well needed beer after she fell asleep with the baby.  I simply went up there to read a few emails, have a beer, watch the sunset and return as soon as they were up.  I arrived to an enraged wife.  And when i say enraged, I mean the tone that when she says she is going to call the cops she means it.  The rages seem to be getting farther apart but are brutal.  Cruel.  The words are meant to hurt and slash and cut.  Hopefully some of you will understand.  I thought they were getting farther apart but maybe not.
I am so tired.  Inevitably, I do something that triggers her and then all hell is to pay.  There appears to be little to no self awareness that maybe she has a part in the problem du jour.  It always ends up the same way; I apologize and commit to doing better.  The better is trying to not set her off.  I wait in fear of her asking for divorce and taking the baby.  After this last episode, I have, for the first time, seriously found this strange peace with that outcome.  Don't get me wrong, I love my little with tremendous energy. But I am so tired of giving, giving, and giving.  I am so tired of it being all my fault.  I feel like i am losing self respect and identity.  I love her but I needsome relief.  I am committed to her but it sure would be nice of the work and effort was reciprocated.  maybe I am enbaling?  But then again, how do enable BP? 
I am so glad I found this site.  It gives me hope and courage.  Thanks to all of you who read and care.  I could sure use some empathy.  LH    

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/29/2009 6:39 PM (GMT -7)   


Welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar forum.  I am very glad to see you have found us.

You will find the members are very caring and you have my empathy for what you are going through.  It won't be long and some of the regular members will be by to welcome you and share with you.

One of our moderators is away right now and will be back soon.  I just wanted to make sure you knew we welcome new members with open arms.



Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/29/2009 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you.  I am fearful I sound like I am having a pity party and it's probably true.  It is comforting toknow others may understand and relate.  I just dont seem to have anybody near me that is coping with this type of situation.  Thanks for receiving me into the fold.  LH

olivia of course
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 3/29/2009 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   

I too wanted to welcome you to HealingWell and to the Bipolar Forum. Please do not feel bad about posting (vent away), we are here to support you. You will find a lot of people who can relate to your situation. There are a lot of people who come to the forum questions about dealing with their spouses.

Bipolar disorder is a tricky thing to deal with, especially if it is not properly treated. You said that your wife is on Lexapro and it works sometimes and not other times. That is an antidepressant, does your wife also take a mood stabilizer with that. Doctors usually don't prescribe antidepressants without mood stabilizers, because it can cause a person to become manic. From what you have described your wife's moods are not stable at all and that is not your fault at all.

Please do not hesitate to post in the future.

Again, welcome!

Bipolar Co-Moderator
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Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.

Post Edited (olivia of course) : 3/29/2009 10:28:58 PM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/29/2009 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Olivia. She is only on Lexapro and I am not close enough to the meds or diagnosis to know more.  I do not believe she is on a  mood stabilizer although she certainly has been in the past.  I am at a total loss of what to do at this point other than to stay away for awhile.  Distance seems to make her heart grow fonder but I just dont know.  I am afraid to suggest anything because history tells me I am walking on egg shells here.  I just tiptoe around waiting for the next .  Its like she is looking for something to get angry with me about.  I assume anger is a symptom of BP.  She has been a very abgry person for some time now with good reason.  I am just at a loss and dont want to lose my baby .  Honestly, if it was just my spouse, I would proabably give up.  I know that sounds terrible because I love her but I am just so sad. 

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/30/2009 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi HopeinLV.  Welcome to the bp forum.  I am married to a bp man- 10 years now.  He too was always only taking different antidepressants for the past 9 years, with the most recent one being Lexapro.  He flipped out on me last summer and I finally woke up and started getting pro-active. 
Since then, we have seen the GP and the p-doc most recently, and have an appt to see a therapist next week.  He will be weaned off the Lexapro and has been given a mood stabilizer.  A week later, I see no difference.  I know it takes a while to kick in, so I wait and wait.
You need to get your wife in to see a psychiatrist to adjust her meds.  It takes A LOT of patience on your part to see her through this.  You probably need to seek therapy for yourself to help you cope with her mood swings etc.  I will share with you that the main thing they emphasize in therapy is to let it all slide off you since it is the unstable, untreated disorder talking and not your loved one. 
I completely understand when you say that if it wasn't for you little one, you probably would have left her.  I feel the same at times.  My husband is a wonderful father and I don't want to deprive my three children of him when he's doing well.  That and I love him, although sometimes I have to look REALLY deep to remind myself WHY I love him!!!
You aren't the problem.  The problem is the unstablized bp.  Get her help.  Educate yourself as much as you can about the disorder and keep coming to this forum for support.  There are A LOT of spouses of bp sufferers on this forum and you will find great support here so you know you are not the only one going through this.
Hope this helps.  Good luck.

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 4/1/2009 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   


I totally understand how you are feeling! I walk in your shoes everyday, I am also so tired of the giving, giving & yet giving more, and still not being enough! Bending over backwards just not to cause another episode, yet to have your efforts fail again! 

Hang in there,
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