Heartbroken + Stressed = BP overload

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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't even believe all that is going on right now.  I just came home from the worst day at work.  I have known for a long time that the place where I work is too much stress.  And it's not the job itself as much as it is about the people who are running things and because they don't know what they're doing, my job is terrible.  If that made any sense....
This past weekend my bf told me that "he's not sure he can give me the things that I want (a house, a marriage....)"  I cried like I haven't cried in a long time.  cry   I just sat there in front of him with my heart torn into a million pieces.  He is saying this because of the economy, but I am wondering if it is also because he doesn't want to get married.  I really believe he doesn't.  He kept saying that he feels awful because he knows it's what I want and I deserve these things....What about "us" wanting these things??  Just whenever the topic of getting married comes up he gets defensive about it everytime, even before the whole economy has spun out of control.
I am confused to say the least.  And to boot, I have no medication support because we're changing meds (going off of one and then I have to wait to see him on the 17th to figure out which one to replace it with...)  My symptoms are out of control and I feel like giving up completely. 
I was so angry today at work, I just wanted to scream!  I don't feel like I can go in tomorrow, but I have to.  At least this Easter weekend is coming up and I will have 4 days off.  I need it for sure.  I'm just worried about how I am feeling now, and I am feeling guilty like I have surrounded myself with all of this...The job--I haven't tried that hard to get a different one, although I have looked some (but not enough).  I feel guilty that I know my relationship has been in trouble for a long time and I don't do anything about it.  I just stay because I don't want to lose him.  Because I don't feel I could handle it and of course because I love him.
I just feel like all of this is my fault, the guilt is overwhelming.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Risperdal .5mg/day & Lamictal 350 mg/day

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/8/2009 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...STOP THE GUILT. It serves nothing at all. PLUS, you have nothing to feel guilty about except being HUMAN. SO...with that said....recognize that what you have been doing is making choices. Choices to be complacent in both your relationship and job hunt. Believe me....I get both of these. You have heard my horror stories about my place of employment since January. I too am looking for a new gig....can I look harder....SURE! But things eased up a bit on the work front, and while I definitely want out of there....the fact is, for now, I am surviving it and at least HAVE a job. SO...am I pushing as hard as I can...nope. "SHOULD" I be ....YEP. But, at this moment, right or wrong, I have chosen not to. SAME AS YOU. IF you decide that is not okay with you, and the bad day at work showed you, and inspired you, to get on the ball and take more action. Great....DO THAT. But don't beat yourself up about it.

Same with the bf thing. Mogs, YES...you've known for a long time things are not fully right with the relationship and the moment you want to take YOUR control back in YOUR life about this...YOU WILL. Don't wait for HIM to make the decisions. Analyze for yourself, be brave with yourself, and tell the truth to yourself. IF you know you don't want the same things, then stop pretending you do or wishing for a miraculous change...get on with accepting that fact. Once you do that, recognize it is okay to stay if you know it is just about having fun and acknowledge to yourself he is not right for YOU and one day it will end when ONE of YOU decide to let go. BE REALISTIC about THIS. Recognize that when YOU feel in control of your choices, you are empowered; when you are at the effect of another’s choice...you are not. BUT if you know you will one day move on, then you don't need to pine for what you know will never be, and can accept what simply is. It is by freeing it of expectation; you free yourself of the burden of disappointment. Make sense? It is ALL about choices.

Lastly...GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there about the meds, take deep breaths, be GOOD TO YOURSELF, go visit some friends and LAUGH as much as you can. We are always here for you. HUGE HUGS TO YOU MOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/12/2009 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm sorry I didn't rely sooner.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a terrible time and you're without meds at the same time. (((Huge hugs))).

LFW is so right. NONE of this is your fault. If your bf can't provide for you right now, then at least he's being honest. But it sounds to me more like he's airing his own fears to you. Given a little time, this too may pass. And work will definitely be stressful -- you have a high stress job which goes from crazy to crazier. You earned your break this weekend. I hope it is peaceful.

I'll be thinking about you.
Take care,

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/13/2009 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   
mogs..I hope the Easter weekend helped with your outlook. What a drag to have such a high level of stress at work.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 4/13/2009 3:34 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all.  LFW thank you so much for taking the time for me with all that you are going through.  I send you big warm hugs and take comfort in knowing you are here for me.

The four days off were needed, but I've been sick for the last two.  I hope I am better for work tomorrow b/c it's going to be insane there.  Not looking forward to that.

Right now I am going to say this:  I am going to try and focus on myself.  I just decided that as I wrote it down.  I need to stop worrying about this relationship for now.  It is consuming me and feeding the depression.  I need to just do what I need to do for me.  Since I know I'm not ready to walk away, I think I'll just take a mental break from the stress of it.  That is probably going to be a lot harder than I think, but I need to separte from this anxiety for now.  I need to focus on my mood and what I need to do to stablize.

Hope to get the meds situation settled Friday when I see the pdoc.  I'm only taking the Lamictal now, so of course we need to add something.  The worst part is since going off the Risperdal I am not sleeping at night.  And that is critical for me.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you.  I will keep you posted.

Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Risperdal .5mg/day & Lamictal 350 mg/day

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 4/14/2009 3:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Mogli: I hope you are beginning to feel a little better. You see you doc in three days. He should take a good look at all your meds and come  up with what works. I know this will sound odd, but have you had a med regeime in the past that seemed to work well for you, then stopped working?  I had, then I started having side effects, or worse, no effect at all, so went off them. A few years later, like this year I went back on one of my old standby's, zoloft, which had stopped working for me, and boy was I surprized when after a few days, I felt much better. Now I am having probs with feeling too much better and will likely have to reduce dose or get another med to balance out. As far as fiance/boyfriend goes, better to find out his insecurities now before the wedding. You sure don't want to be dragging a lame duck around behind you, grouching about the economy. I did it. I married the father of my eldest, b/c my family put a lot of pressure on. I spent five years trying to get him to get out there and help support the family. I was working full time. I was writing up his resumes and sending them out, delivering them, etc. Then suddenly it hit me, I already have a job. I don't need another job. If he intends to survive he has to get out there and do it. His next partner put the fear of the almighty into him, made him go to church, learn to drive, get a job. It didn't last either, nor the next, or the next ditto. So, you get yourself positioned for the onslaught. A wedding is a terrible thing if both parties aren't giving 100%, plus. I sure hope you feel better soon. I sure hope we all feel better soon.

Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.

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