Please help - need ADVICE

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 4/14/2009 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all.  I am sorry that it has been a while since I have been here.  Very busy with two babies - I hardly have time to breathe!  Hope all is well with all of you.
I need advice.  My husband thinks that I should talk to my step-father about how hurt I am over the Christmas ordeal.  It is really affecting me in such a bad way.  My bipolar has been acting up more since the ordeal.  I am having a hard time letting go of the pain.
My mother and he suggested that we (kids) start our own Christmas tradition.  Since my husbands family lives in W.V., we thought that this past Christmas we would spend it with the kids.  They thought that was great.  So then we thought we would have my parents over for a Christmas Eve dinner so they could see the kids for Christmas.  We have a very small house and my step-siblings were going to be at mom and dad's the next day anyway so we decided not to invite them.  Plus, they have never treated me as a sibling anyway.  So mom and dad said that would be nice.  Then dad said that he was not coming because we didn't invite my step-siblings.  Then he changed his mind and decided to come.  Then he changed his mind again.  So my mom came and had dinner with us and my dad showed up after dinner to see the kids open their presents so much as babies can anyway.  He never said a word to me or my husband.  He ignored us completely.  We informed him that he was not welcome in our home again until he apologized.  Two weeks later after my husband went and talked to him about all of this, he apologized for all of it.
I never got the chance to talk about how I felt to him.  He apologized to my husband.  When he came to talk to me, all I could do was cry and could not speak.  He deeply hurt me.  I have always treated him as if he were my real father.  I never had a real father.  My father was an abusive drunk.  I still hurt so badly over how my step-dad treated us.  If it were one of his kids, he would not have demanded that they invite us.  His real kids treat him badly and I have always tried so hard to treat him properly and with lots of love.  Then this is how he treats me and my family.  He is very immature, as we have discovered lately, and I really don't know how it would turn out if I spoke to him about my feelings.  If you don't kiss his butt, then he doesn't seem happy with you.  But anyone who thinks he is the greatest, well they are just the best to him.
Please give advice.  I am desperate.  I cannot seem to let go of the pain he has caused me and I do not treat him as I did before all of this happened either.  I just can't.  This is really affecting my illness.  I was doing so well before all of this happened.
Please help me.

"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty

Post Edited (missflip) : 4/14/2009 6:38:31 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/14/2009 7:44 PM (GMT -7)   

How terrible for you. You've been carrying this pain around with you for nearly 4 months now. It's definitely time to exorcise it, somehow. Thank you so much for finally telling us about it.

Do you see a therapist? Have you spoken with your therapist about this?

One idea I have is to write him a letter. You don't even have to send it, but perhaps writing out all your complaints and concerns will help you feel better. If you want to send it, great. It'll get the conversation flowing between you. Ultimately, the two of you probably should talk.

But I'm more concerned about your mental health. Have you seen your doc recently? How're your meds? This level of anxiety isn't good. You should be able to handle this kind of trouble without it setting you off for 4 months and upsetting your bipolar. I really think you should see your doc. Tell him or her about this, and why it's troubling you.
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/14/2009 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I feel bad for you that you still are having a hard time because of what happened at Christmas. As Serena need to get it our somehow. It might help to talk it out with a therapist first....pretend you are telling him, and the therapist could help point out some good/bad ideas. I also keep a writing to that person, without actually sending a letter. Sometimes that is cathartic enough.

You could at some point talk to him, but not set yourself up for getting more hurt. You must first be in the right state of know some people can be abrasive and do mean things, but when you confront them about it they say "I was just kidding", or they may say too bad, that's how I feel.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/17/2009 1:51 AM (GMT -7)   


Hi.  Everyone will give you advice and most of it is worth about what you pay for it.  So here goes.  You're paying nothing, but let me give you a couple of things to think about.  In this life there are only a couple of things that you can count on.  The first is that there is really only one person that you can control.  That is yourself.  Second is that no matter what you do or how much you try to please other people, you can NEVER do enough to please them.  So think about this.

I believe that we should never let anyone hold us hostage for anything.  If someone demands something of you and threatens that they will not participate unless they get their way, I think we should just go on with what we originally planned on doing and not be disappointed when they chose not to participate.  You did your best to include who you felt like including and that is what you wanted to do.  If they chose not to participate then so be it.  It is a control issue on their part and it only set you up to be more controlled by them in the future.  Once someone learns that they can control you, I promise you that they will continue to do so.  Next it is important that you not get your feelings hurt.  If someone acts that way with you, it is not because of you that they act that way.  It is because of their own insecurities.  They need to have something a certain way or they are going to throw a tantrum.  That has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them.  So smile go on with things and if they chose not to attend the party, the get together will be better because there will not be a lot of conflict or tensness.  The thing that you have to do next is to just go on with things and let tomorrow start all over again.  You can expect others to appologize, but experience would indicate that they never change their ways or their attitude about it, so why bother.  The thing to do is to make sure that no one holds you hostage first of all and then to go on as if it is all over with.  The next day you interact with the people like it's a whole new situation and experience and you don't show that you are bothered about whether they came and participated or not.  You don't shy away from them, you continue to be exactly who you are and to make the decisions in your life how they are best for you, your husband, and your family.  Then you will be happier about things and you won't be hurt when others act selfish, throw tantrums, or don't worry about your feelings.  And most of all your stress level will always be less because you can control yourself, but you don't have the expectation that you have to control others, or that they have to respond in a certain way in order for you to be happy.  It will be easier for you and your family and the other people around you will learn that you are going to do what you think is best for your family, so they will learn that it doesn't help them to try to hold you hostage anymore. 

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