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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/21/2009 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Please forgive me...I haven't the slightest clue as to how forums and chat rooms truly work...but we all have to start somewhere.
I believe that my husband is bi-polar but he is not willing to seek help.  Within 4 weeks of our sons birth, my husband began to change.  As a matter of fact, I can actually pinpoint the night/time it happened.  He was a very loving, faithful, giving, loyal man and was well respected by all.  He started to withdraw from me, became self-absorbed and incredibly egotistical.  One minute he was up the next down.  I kept asking him why he was so grumpy all the time.  He was constantly telling me that he didn't have any freedom.  One minute he would tell me he hated me (which was the first time ever in 8 years) the next he would be telling me I was his soul.  I just thought that he was stressed out about the new changes with a baby and thought it was just an adjustment period.  My husband was always very frugal with money, by the time our son was 3 months, 'we' had spent $36,000.  In the first year we remortgaged our home and it wasn't until he started buying things that he had no serious interest in, that the light bulb started going off in my head.  Within 6 months of our child's birth I had us in Marriage counselling.
Then I found out on Valentine's day 2008 that he was 'cheating' with a co-worker, but declared that nothing physical was happening, just flirtation.  Told me that if I paid more attention to him, it would never have happened.  Then the physical assaults came.  I was blown away.  This is not the man I married.  I was in shock.  Within a few more months I was told that he no longer was 'In Love' with me and he wanted out. His speech and many hurtful and inappropriate things that he said to me were devastating. I have found out that he is with a much younger person and is planning a future with her.  His rage is still quite high, and there have been more things that have happened.  I still love him and would be willing to go to the ends of the earth to support him, but he refuses to even communicate with me.  I just don't understand and it's hard because I have a son that may be a prime candidate for this very illness.
I am not a doctor, and he refuses to see one.  There are 3 diagnosed members in his immediate family with this illness.  Am I wrong in believing that he may be bi-polar?  Any advice on how to communicate with him for the sake of our child?

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 4/22/2009 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   

First of all, welcome faithhopelove - and good for you for reaching out.  You're husband does sound like he needs some psychiatric help, or a good smack upside the head.

I'm not a doctor, but I am a wife of a bipolar man and I can tell you - from his own mouth - people who are bipolar know what they are doing.  He once said that he knows what he's doing, he just lacks the ability (or willpower if you will) to stop it.  I can also tell you that my husband has never hit me OR cheated on me, and we went through some really rough times... so for that my dear, I will tell you there is NO excuse.

I commend you for taking him to marriage counselling and if there is history of mental illness in the family then it is quite possible he is in fact bipolar but only a pdoc is able to properly assess that. 

Ask yourself this: after what he has done to you (cheating/hitting nono ), if he were to get help, would you want to stay with him?  You need to remember that this roller coaster doesn't end.  There will be good times that hopefully last longer then the bad, but if he's not willing to even accept the diagnosis of bipolar, you're ride with him will be worse than others.  My husband turned to self medicating with drugs and alcohol for months and spent more money than we made (including getting a $15,000 loan to start a business that never happened).  But I can tell you that in those months, had he cheated on me or lifted a finger towards me, there would not be any chance for our relationship IF and WHEN he did seek help.  Now, I can't speak for you and I'm sure you still love him, but now you have a child to think about... and it's not about you anymore.  I only say this because of you saying he won't see a doc or admit to a problem, so if that's the case, there isn't much you can do.  I'm sorry you're going through this, but know that by coming here, you are not alone.   ((HUGS))

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/22/2009 9:47 AM (GMT -7)   
It is hard to say how you can still help him. It sounds as if you two are separated and he is already making other plans. As a bipolar person myself, I can safely say that until your husband agrees that there is a will get no where. In your case there has been cheating and physical abuse. You have a small child and need to make life decisions based on the little one. Is it worth the struggle with someone who has raised his hand to you?
Maybe some therapy for yourself would help you see the direction you should take.
I have personally never had anger problems or violent incidents with my BP. But if I did I know my husband would not still be here.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/22/2009 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

Bipolar is not an excuse for abuse, period. I've never raised a hand to anyone, no matter how angry I've gotten. He's angry, resistant, cheating on you, and mentally and physically abusing you. It's time to face facts. You need help to take your child out of this situation. I understand you love him and want to help him, but some people are just not help-able. If he doesn't want help, there's little you can do. You're just waiting around to be abused. Even if he is bipolar, he's got to take responsibility before you can support him.

It's time for you to take care of yourself. Get yourself a therapist, pronto. You need some help of your own. Time to show yourself some love.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 4/25/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   

My wife has done the identical to your husband, she says there was no sex but I have proof, she forgot she had kids, she sat with him he is 17 years younger, bought clothes he told her too. spent $200.00 a week to talk to him long distance while she was on vacation hid herself in bedroom from kids to talk, sat with him while his wife was having a baby. filed for a divorce and tried having me evicted from the house,run up credit cards, had me consolidate debt then refused to pay 2 weeks before filing. I do cooking, laundry & care for her due to illness. I am being told you cant change her let her burn, he will run. Now I find out she dumped him for inexperience but she still does not love me after 23 years and she wont move out.
Unless your husband leaves it is very difficult to get past, I would still go a mile to look after her as well
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