Thank you! It was helpful. Cause a lot of times I wonder if I will ever feel better, or "normal". Most of the time I will feel okay...and then I can click into "well, it would be easy to take some pills and feel a little better". ( i have an OD problem) I used to resort to cutting or burning myself, but its like I have taken it a step further and I just get a bunch of OTC meds out of the medicine cabinet and take those instead. I dont ever take enough to kill me in one sitting, but they can make me drowsy and such. However, they are slowly killing me and I consider it to be the same thing. I worry about
myself because anytime I feel down or have a problem my line of thinking jumps directly to harming myself. And its scary for me to think that I cant find another way to handle myself, ya know.
Last night for example, I promised my sister I would text her even if I had pills in my hand and I was thinking about
it and really wanted to...but I talked to her and I didnt do it... But the point is that I have a certain drive to do so. I have an AP Test tomorrow and I dont want to do it, but I have too....my line of thinking jumps to well if I made myself sick or somehow "accidently" got injured I wouldnt have to go.. I think thats a horrible way to think. But, its how I feel.
I can "act" happy and laugh at times when I want to, but always in the back of my head I know I am just putting on a show. Even if I really am having fun at the time, I refuse to believe it was true. Its so weird because I know how I "should" be thinking, I just......dont. Or....cant.
Im just having a hard time with it because I feel like I am. But, I dont think anyone will believe me because most people dont know how I really feel and that I hide all of my emotions. I dont SEEM bi-polar to anyone. But, no one actuallys knows so... Im afraid they will think I was mis-diagnosed or something and wont take it seriously.
But, here's another thing. What do I do when I become careless of my health? Like, I want to feel better. I want to be "normal"... but at the same time I dont really care about
my health. Thats not how I used to be at all...but I am that way now. I continue to harm myself in different ways, or think about
and I just dont care very much. But I KNOW that that isnt the "correct" way to view anything...
It just bothers me that I know how I "should" think...but I just dont think that way. I just... I dont know. Its just complicated.
Anyways, thanks for the help! Take Care
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."