Loving someone, it is so interesting to me that regardless of the individuality of each of our "stories", the feedback in SO many cases remains the same. I posted this response to another spouse in crisis just yesterday, and it fits for you as well even though your "story" has different details. So I cut and pasted much of it to you now. Although I did change the fact that I originally wrote it to a woman who's H is in a tragically bad way and currently hospitalized, although that is not necessarily halting his verbal abuse when she goes to visit and what that is doing to her and their kids.
So, here it is for you now…..
I am sorry for all the difficulties your W's illness is putting you through. Keep in mind, you & your kids matter too, and while it is tragic how ill she is, there may come a point where she needs to sink or swim on her own. Her choices, during an episode or not, are HER responsibility. There are countless BP's on the board that when they feel something coming, they ACTIVELY commit to getting help for THEMSELVES. You have young children counting on you to raise them in the face of all this adversity - and with all the abuse being heaped at you it will only serve to weaken your ability to do what is best for you and the kids. It beats you down over time to the point of feeling trapped by it all and perfectly helpless. While being ill is not your W's choice, YOU DO have a choice to allow her illness to abuse you or not. I guess what I am saying is that you are NOT helpless to make choices here and I wanted to remind you of that. Only you know what the best choices are for you and the kids....and then in third place...even for your W. Nothing says you can't step away, get on with your life, legally separate even...but not divorce if you don’t want to...hoping and praying she becomes well enough and responsible about her illness....for a long enough independent period of time to try and SLOWLY with therapy put your broken family back together one day – IF that is what YOU REALLY want. But....this is HER battle to fight, and maybe you have to get out of the way of it and let her fight it while you protect you and the kids first and foremost. Otherwise, the damage her illness can cause could be huge to those kids at the level of illness hers is. Think about it this way...if your family were on a plane and you needed to put on the air masks in an emergency...the airlines say put yours on first and then the kids....SHE would have to put on her own MASK...YOU would be taking care of you...then the kids. You wouldn't take care of her above those kids - SHE's an adult. Remember, without YOU....THOSE KIDS have nothing!!!!!!!!!! Your situation is no different.
You are entitled to a life you want too. I would ask you...is this it? If it is not, then get your priorities in place and let your W own her own behavior...and YOU take care of your kids and go GET the life you want for you and those kids. There is no shame is letting go if it is time for you to. You should be taking as good care of yourself, as you have tried to take of your W all these years, and you should be taking even BETTER care of those kids. As yourself ARE YOU? You sound as if you have been through the ringer with her and your family deserves better than its getting. Good luck to you, I will hold out good thoughts for all of you in this trying time. LFW