Is it possible to make a marriage work?

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 5/25/2009 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been married for almost a year. My husband doesn't understand what is going on with me...Hell, sometimes I don't know what's going on with me! One week, all I want to do is sleep, cry, and can't eat. The next week, I can be up for days while being completely sober, then I'm on a normal sleeping, eating, and emotional schedule. Worst of all, this can all change in a matter of hours. One day I love him to death and I just want him near me and the next I can't stand the sight of him.

Apparently I'm Bipolar, but I've also been diagnosed with other things like borderline personality disorder, just plain depressed, etc. I've been trying to figure this out and dealing with this since I was about 11 years old and I still have no clue what exactly is wrong with can I expect him to understand and deal with me being like this?

When I was diagnosed as being Bipolar for the third time, I finally gave in and started listening to the symptoms and learning about it and things started becoming clear. Sometimes I don't think anything is wrong with me and I think I'm just tired and stressed and deal with it badly. That is pretty much what he also thinks. He is sick of the mood swings and me going back and forth all the time. He won't listen to me on how to deal with me when I get in my "moods," he won't learn about the "disease." He says he has to walk on "egg shells" around me all the time...that's not fair to him...

I don't want to be on the medications. The last time they had me on meds for Bipolar, i felt like a zombie...I couldn't feel anything! I'd rather feel everything that I do now, then feel nothing at all. I want to make him happy and I want to be able to be a good mother. Sometimes it's just so hard to get my head around things. How do I make us work?

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 5/26/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I know exactly what you are going through. I would have thought I wrote that if I didn't know better. My marriage problems are mostly because of my moods. If my mood is good the marriage is fine. If my mood is bad then everything sucks especially my marriage. The difference in mine is I put up a wall and won't let him in. I don't tell him how I feel often enough. We have talked about certain things he needs to change in the past and he still hasn't changed it and it is a trigger for me. He doesn't understand that. So I guess all I am trying to tell you is that you are not alone. And to hang in there. Also, please, please give medications another chance. You just need to find what is right for you. It might not be what is right for everyone else. Ask your doctor about Lamictal. I have heard so many good things about it and I take it myself. It has little side effects for me. You might want to give it a try. I hope this has been somewhat helpful. good luck.

loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/26/2009 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   

LindzKay09, Making a marriage work when one of the spouses is BP is hard, I won't lie.  I am a spouse to a BP H.  I will be very direct and honest with you.  In my household, it would be a deal breaker if my H did not take his meds, or did not go to therapy.  It is an absolute to any BP in my opinion.  I do understand that you don't want to be 'zombied' out as you put it.  I truly get that; I would not want that either.  But that is an indication to me that you are not on the right meds, you are over medicated with whatever your pdoc has you on, AND most are NOT with potentially the right pdoc for you; especially if they are not working with you closely on this and paying attention to that feedback that you are felling that way.  But, then I also have to ask, are you sticking with a medication long enough for side effects to go away?? 


A spouse is your partner in the BP.  They are there to support their loved ones.  But I don't think any of us got married saying to ourselves, "I want to become a caretaker to the person I married instead of having them as my partner."  The responsibility of the BP spouse is to be totally committed to their own wellness, be honest with their spouse, and not deceive themselves saying they don't need the meds or support system.  Some of that support system should also come from outside sources vs. just your spouse....such as: Group Therapy for BP, REGULAR individual therapy for the BP, couples therapy for the marriage, regular appointments with the pdoc, family members, friends...etc.  You spouse should only be one member of your wellness team. 


I urge you to recognize that the REASON you sometimes don't feel you need the meds is because you are either passing through the "balanced" zone during that time....or, you are momentarily FEELING what you think is normal.  But the fact that it cannot stay WILL NOT stay consistent, is exactly why you DO need your that you, the BP can ALWAYS feel that way.  Not just during a pass through moment. 


If you want your marriage to work...then the work needs to start with you.  OWN the fact that you are BP, and do the responsible things you need to in order to be the partner your spouse married and the love will have a chance to exist.  It is possible.  But it is not starts with you.  Plus, the more you own it, and stop swinging and taking things out on your H, the more open he will be to start learning about what you are dealing with and becoming a real part of your team.  The denial is simply a defense to not face it if you won't.  Think about it.  Best of luck....LFW


Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 5/26/2009 10:11:38 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 174
   Posted 5/28/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Learning2deal ~ Thank you for the reply. I thought Lamictal was used to treat epilepsy? The only reason why I know that is because my dad and sister are both epileptic and take that medication. As bad as it sounds, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble in your marriage though, really I am. You said, "If my mood is good the marriage is fine. If my mood is bad then everything sucks especially my marriage." That is so true! How do you two deal with it? I don't tell my husband a lot either...I usually let it bottle up and then let him know everything when I start raging, which is not the best way to let him know that some things he does, drives me absolutely insane! Like, I have severe OCD with the dishes and if he doesn't wash them right, I will fly off the handle, every time. We even have a dish washer, but he doesn't rinse the dishes before putting them in and so sometimes they come out with stuff still on them and I just lose it when that happens. But, he still does it, every time he does the dishes! Sorry for rambling a bit.

loving frustrated wife ~ Thank you for your reply also. I had to stop going to that doctor who had me on the "zombie" meds because I missed three appointments. I was able to call a crisis hotline and get into see a doctor tomorrow though, so hopefully this doctor will be able to help me find the right meds. Yes, I was on those medications long enough for the side affects to go away. I do have trouble taking the meds because one day I'll just stop for some reason and will refuse to go back, but my father was keeping e on a schedule at that point in time. Right now I may not want to be on them, but I know I need something to help me take care of my kids better and not lose my husband. When I told my husband that I need him to get off work early so that I could go to this appointment, he made a fuss about it. I told him if I don't get it now, it will be another month before I can get it and get some help. He admits I need help, but for some reason he doesn't seem to really want me to get it. When I get that rage feeling, I will tell him to leave me alone for a while, but he won't...he just keeps nagging me asking what's wrong and "what he did now." I'll tell him I don't know and that I need to calm down before we can talk about anything, but he just won't quit. A counselor has said before that she wanted him to come for some of my appointments, mainly to teach him a little about what is going on and to help him deal with things a little better, but he always found a way to get out of it. I don't know what to do to get him to accept the fact that I need him to understand what is going on and work with me just as much as I need the meds. I have never asked or wanted him to "take care of me." I've always told him I can work things out on my own...maybe that's why he's being the way he is, but I really don't know. I've tried facing the fact that I'm BP, some days are better than others, like everything else, and telling him I NEED to go to these appointment and get on these meds and all he does is ***** about the money it takes...I don't want him to be my "caregiver" and I try VERY hard not to make the marriage focus on me and my problems too much, try to work with hima nd make him happy, so why won't he work with me?

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/28/2009 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Sometimes partners are very resistant and in denial about their partners' illnesses. I'm sorry your husband is being such a bear and so unsupportive. Still, you must do what is right for YOU. Your children need you and in the end your husband will appreciate your health. It's true there is a cost for wellness, but it is worth every penny.

It's time he got educated. If he won't go to appointments with you, try getting him to read some information on bipolar with you. Try printing off some information from the internet or buying him a book. A great one is The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David Miklowitz. It's designed for both sufferers and their families.

But you need to make it clear to him that you need him to be on your side about this -- that you need more support. You said yourself that you're not very open with him. Try to open up a little more and tell him what you need. If it's hard for you to express that, prepare yourself by making a list or talking it out in front of the mirror first.

Hope this helps,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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