Alright, so this is going to be a long post, but bare with me! When I was 16, I was sent away to a behavioral institute where they told me I was bipolar and had MDD (Major Depression Disorder.) about
6 months after that, my parents kicked me out of their house, I was having many issues getting along with them and everyone else in the house. I had been to therapist, was on anti depressants and all that. It's a little more extreme than everything that I am telling, but either way, at the time it was bad. So..after I got kicked out, I lived with a friend for a few months, then lived with my aunt. I moved away to go to school, then met my (now) ex-husband and moved over 1,500 miles away. I ended up getting married, having my son who is now 1, and then moving back here to my hometown for us to live with my parents so that my ex could have better opportunities with jobs. He couldn't keep a job at all....had gone through 9 in a year because of laziness and all that jazz, so I was stuck working 40+ hours a week, providing for the both of us and trying to keep myself going while being pregnant. Either way, when we moved back, a few weeks later I found out he had cheated on me within a week after I had our son. So, I kicked him out, and we ended up getting a divorce. I have completely started over. I had enough clothes to last me maybe a week, and I had baby stuff. That's it. So...starting over, along with trying to be a mom under my parent's scrutiny, trying to keep some individuality has been really rough on me.
Coming back into the house that I got kicked out of, feeling like I need to bow down to my parents for taking me in (which I do appreciate) doing what I can to help...it just doesnt seem like enough. Right now, even writing this, my thoughts are all over the place. I started going to college last fall, trying to better my situation. I've taken out student loans, gotten grants and am somewhat living off the state so that I can go to school and so that I don't have to rely on my parents for everything for fear that they will throw it in my face (as they have already done before.) They don't want me working because they say its important for me to be with my son...and I know it is. But, living here is driving me insane. My mom tries to raise my son, whenever I tell them that I dont want him to have something, they give it to him anyway. Spoiling grandchildren is OK, but not when they live with you and not everyday. Anytime we're eating, I'll be feeding my son, and my mom will step in and feed him as well, and it really ticks me off! I have 3 sisters here as well, 15, and two 9 year olds. Just the little things they do, honestly makes me just want to slap them. I have patience, I do, but its hard to see my sisters doing things that we were prohibited to do when we were younger and yet my parents dont do a darn thing about it. They are treated differently, are more spoiled than we were and they get away with so many different things, and all of this has been brought up before by me and my 2 older siblings as well...but it doesnt matter. My mom thinks she is better than everyone else...she thinks she knows everything....and when my dad is away at work, she doesnt do anything around the house. Then when he gets home, she hops up off the couch and complains about how hard her day was. I can't stand it. I would get my own place, but I don't have a car...like I said, I was left with nothing. I've been trying to save up, but things keep setting me back. I pay for everything I need but diapers and wipes. My parents do pay for that. My parents feel that I shouldn't get a job because I need to spend as much time as possible with my son, and I agree to a certain point. But if my attitude and actions might possibly jeopardize our relationship again, I feel that I need to do whatever I can to save up and get out of here.
I am constantly on edge, snapping at everyone. There is so much more to the story, and I wish I could tell it all. But I know that I am really ticked off all the time, or on edge like I said. I know I'm depressed, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I feel like I dont have control in my life, and thats the reason why I started cutting myself when I was younger. Not that I want to do that anymore, but I just feel like my parents, mainly my mom, are trying to control my life. They watch what I spend, they feel like they need to have a say in anything and everything I do....it just gets old. And honestly, I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to snap and take off and leave. The last time that happened, I didnt have anything....again, no car, no nothing. That can't happen now that I have my son.
So, does anyone have any suggestions as to what I could do to better my situation, or maybe know if I can get help mentally if something is wrong? Do you think I could still be bipolar and/or have MDD??
Thanks for reading, I apologize for the length.