So today is day 11 of him having his own place. It's still really weird but I find that I enjoy the peace and quiet. The tension in my house has pretty much disappeared. I don't want to say it's better without him and make it sound negative, but I do think this is what we both needed.
He's taking his meds at least, but he's not doing it on the schedule the docs put out for him at certain times of the day and I think that he might be cycling into another manic. He's gone back to smoking pot on a daily basis (having more than 1 joint a day) and it really makes me sad. When we talked about his smoking pot again, I told him that I could tolerate it if he only did it once or twice a month, but everyday since he's been gone, he's been stoned from lunchtime on.
I am really disappointed, but I think it makes me more sad for him and not me, because he's the one going through this and can't (or doesn't want to) pull himself out of this aweful trap. We're still going to counselling to try to save our marriage, but it's more than that. He still hasn't applied for his disability or assistance with his rent and he's waiting on 2 potential jobs to get back to him for employment. I've tried to encourage him to keep looking and not put all his hopes on these two jobs, but he wants to wait for them. I'll tell you that with the little bit of money he gets, he can only afford to pay his rent, a couple bills and have about $150 a month for food... if that.
He also bought another bag of weed before giving me money for child support. I was really disappointed. It was the one thing he promised he wouldn't do - buy pot before helping with his kids. As little an income that he is on, if he can afford $50 for that, then he can afford $50 to help pay for the boys... the thing is though, he can't afford it.
I honestly don't know how this is going to end up and I still pray for the best, but........................................................
i just don't know anymore. I'm sad at times because the thought of not being with him forever makes me sick to my stomach, but when I see couples holding hands and fathers playing with their kids at the park, i just want that so bad - and it's something that he can't give me... now... or maybe ever. I'm really torn and thinking a lot about whether or not I want to go against my beliefs on divorce in order to be happy with someone else or honor my marriage vows and stick it through with him at the expense that I might never get back what we once had.
Today... is still a good day.
Life is either a daring adventure... or nothing