Hello, I am new to this site. I have read and re-read posts after posts for over a year; on this site and others. I have tried so many things - yet unfortunately the most important was never attainable. Getting my husband to the Doctor. Oh, he would say he would go, but then the fear kicked in, followed by rage and all bets were off. Our doors have slammed and either he has been told to leave or left on his own so many times, I think our door needs to be replaced. I want to say this last time was the last time, but afraid it wasn't and yet afraid it was. I have been dealing with my husband's disorder for so long, that I wonder if I have developed my own. In some ways I believe I did everything I could and usually right, then realize I probably did everything wrong and not as much as I could have or should. I have lost so much of who I am in this battle with a person I don't even know any longer, that I now wonder how to find myself.
When I state my husband never went to the Doctor, that is not true. He did go, but never to the point in which a true diagnosis could be made with proper meds. Our family dr. prescribed Zoloft for depression, cured the depression - but sent him reeling and never really coming back down. Seasonal episodes - abosolutely. Days in bed, and days of the most outragious behavior known. Never caught him cheating, but found a condom. As a truck driver I have to face the fact, it probably happened.
How does the spouse recover? Funny how after all the verbal and emotional abuse, I never lost hope of finding that once wonderful person who I thought was my soulmate. I now wonder was it ever real or was I the unexpected receipient of a mania state of euphoria that once we were married and he began a life as a truck driver he found a better fix than me and I have never really had a chance to find him again. Today I am the daughter of Satan in his eyes.
Friday night was about the 4th or 5th time in as many months he has had to leave. A simple request (realizing no such thing with him) about a blatant lie in which I was screamed at repeatedly for 30 minutes earlier in the day, ended up with a raging fight that he had been trying to egg on for the better part of a week. It was severe enough that one of my son's called the police, who unfortunately arrived after he left. Part of me wants to go after him, but if I do it will only be the same. The other part of me fears for him. He is unemployed, living with a sister who has her own mental health issues - validates his, and it seems he is always worse after time with her and others from their small town in south GA. Which views bipolar as a condition that means you are crazy, psycho and stupid. The stigma they have placed on the disease or any mental health disorder have him in complete denial, and their validation of his behavior makes helping him or convincing him to seek help impossible.
How can a person hold it together for some and the one closest to him be the receiver of such verbal abuse. To look into the eyes of someone you love so much and see nothing. No anger, no fear, no sorrow, no remorse. Only emptiness. This illness is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. No one can understand who is close to me. They either don't understand the disease or don't understand why I put up with it. I too at this point don't understand my attachment any longer. I am strong. I am typically independent. I am employed in a very good professional job - one in which I would advise anyone who came to me to seek help from the EAP and either the person gets help or you have to get out.
I have read so many posts and shake my head at those who have stayed in cases like mine. How does the bipolar person get such a hold on the non-bipolar? How do you break free if they won't get help? I would like to think I would stay forever if he was attempting to help himself and furious because he won't and in denial that I continue to allow him to hurt me. It is my own fault. I have read so much that I know it is a disease and therefor feel he can be treated so afraid to walk away in hopes he will return to his old self. Am I kidding myself? Have I become delusional? I realize I keep going after him, partial guilt and partial fear. Fear for him, fear for his manipulation placing him in a better place than here and losing him.
Can anyone relate to what I am trying to convey? I realize I haven't given all the details of the last 11 years; however, while each story is unique and mine is definately a hell of a ride, it isn't really any different than any other I have read. Just its own unique twists and turns. The question I have more than anything, is will he more than likely return? Do bipolars really ever leave for good? Am I really better off letting him wander and do whatever he wants as I stay at home and tend to everything? Yes, the bitterness is there too. I am hurt, angry, bitter, confused, frustrated, ready to surrender and heal myself, ready to fight to save him.
If necessary, I can share the tale. It isn't that I don't want to, I guess I just have come to the conclusion that the antics and story are not as important as the where do I go from here.