Serafena, and anyone else who is where you are right now (hint, hint....Mogs! I don't care what you are "feeling" it is time to use your "override" controls and simply remove that option from the table. You know I had a dear friend of mine in January do exactly what you are both saying. I have NO doubt that she was feeling EXACTLY what you are, only she didn't stop herself. Be proud that you are taking the steps you are to ensure your safety, but remove that option from your table. You are welcome to "FEEL" that way (as your bp is rearing its head....it is JUST a symptom and does not need to be given more power than that), but create the action of HOSPITAL verses suicide in your mind when those feelings come. REPLACE the thoughts by saying to yourself....,”AH...I am feeling suicidal - I need to take myself to the hospital...NOW,”...Then PASS GO…collect your $200 and GO STRAIGHT THERE....
While I am not bp, I too am in a very dark hard place right now. I need to get away from my job and for the first time in my life am experiencing anxiety attacks, chest pains, shortness of breath, poor coping skills...etc....and stress at a levels beyond my ability to control. Very unlike me. I see a pdoc today and will probably go out on disability for work related stress due to my bosses abuse. I share this only to let you know I DO understand your struggles right now, to share you are not alone, and remind you we will ALL get through this if we put one foot in front of the other and just take the steps one at a time to gain either the help we need, or take the healthy actions required. Then, like walking through a swamp....we will get to the other side, dust ourselves off, and take a deep breath and then we will keep going but outside the muck, the sun will shine, the birds will sing….yada-yada
HANG IN THERE....let the butterflies float away your troubles and keep holding on to your daughter. ANY action you do is what you teach your daughter...let her ALWAYS learn the right way to handle ANY problem or FEELING in her life...hold on to loved ones, reach out when you need help, accept the help, and learn to trust yourself no matter what to keep you safe and show her that no problem is unsolvable - there is a brighter day that will always come. Just like you are doing. Because otherwise all she learns is to give up when times are tough. And times, bp or not, will always get tough in life. She will always then think that suicide is a perfectly acceptable option....which of course it is not. Once that cruel line is crossed, it can't be taken back, the damage is done to her, and if you notice....once Pandora’s box is opened in a family....through their history....you will see that many families have endured more than one incident of this because the message is - give more power to your FEELINGS than your ACTIONS. The problem is....FEELINGS come and go....results from ACTIONS don't. They can sometimes be corrected, but once an action is done, it is done.
BIG HUGS TO YOU SERAFENA...BREATHE....Keep on doing it right! LFW