need a place to say this

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New Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/23/2009 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
My family found out yesterday that my brother, who was 50 years old, single, and lived in another state, was found dead in his condo. He had been dead for as long as a week before he was found. It appears he died of natural causes from the circumstances in which he was found, but an autopsy will be done and we may know more then.

My husband, who has BP, is the same age as my brother. His father died when he (the father) was in his late 40s. These two things seem to have come together to send my husband into a depression. He was heading in that direction anyway - last week, he took my mom to a festival and almost got into a physical fight with a man selling chicken dinners. As my husband said, "That @#*! shouldn't have turned his back on me!" Irritableness is one of the warning signs of his depression. But yesterday, as the day went on and we spent time with my parents and other brother and his family, I could see my husband sliding into depression. He got quieter, he had trouble finding words, he went and curled up on a spare bed and hugged a pillow. He refused to call his mother to let her know about my brother, saying it would make him too upset, and he doesn't want me to do it either. I would like her to know, but it's not a huge deal, as she lives in another state, too, and we're not close.

The big problem for me is that my 18-year-old son (my husband's stepson) came home early today from a trip to Washington, DC, because he idolized his uncle and wanted to be with the family. From the minute the plane touched down and he called my husband on his cell phone (I was driving and we were planning to just pick him up at the curb without paying for parking), my husband has been picking fights with him, making fun of things he says, and generally putting him down. My husband does this when he's depressed, and it tears me up. I've been told by the nurse practitioner he sees at the psych clinic to just let it go, but I hate to see him treat my son this way. It's even harder now, knowing that my son is grieving and shouldn't have to put up with this. I've intervened once, when what my husband was saying truly didn't make sense, but now he is just being silent and refusing to talk to me at all.

I know he is not responsible for his actions right now, and that he lacks the insight now to even understand that he's behaving differently from usual, but I really wish he could be there for me. The brother who died and I were nine years apart, but as adults, we had become close, and he had just come to visit last month for my son's graduation. I can't believe he is gone, and I know my son is hurting, too. But it seems like all my husband can see/feel/appreciate is his own pain. We've been together eight years, and he and my brother were friendly to each other, but since we lived in different states and my brother and I tended mostly to be in touch online and my husband doesn't like online communication much, I wouldn't say that they were really close. I don't want to judge his grief. I certainly understand how he is feeling. I just wish he could understand how I am feeling for a change.

As I said, I just needed a place to say this. I am the strong one in the family, the one who gets things done and makes the arrangements, and keeps other people from biting each other's heads off. I would just like a break.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 778
   Posted 7/23/2009 9:38 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry. Dont know what to say except we are often stronger than we think.
I am a Certified Doxie Lover(Weinerdogs)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 7/24/2009 4:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Iamacat2,
I would like to say I am so sorry for you loss ((HUGS)) you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sounds about right he is getting depressed. He was manic was it last week or the week before? I do this all the time manic depressed. I think that you are on to something with your husbad being depressed because of your brothers death. He is relizing his imortality and it scares the hell out of him. I have a theroy on why your husband picks on the kids it is because your husband has a low self esteam and he picks on your son because he can. He can because your son will not stand up to himself. (I think) He will not stick up for himself as your husband mostlikly makes him uncomfortable and affraid. I used to do things like that but I have learned to stop to some extent. Your husband is so unstable right now that he could explode so dont let the fight excilate to something you can not control. If your husband gets violent or out of controll call 911 that is what my pdr and my t told my husband to do if I get out of hand. He can not refuse treatment because the police will be putting him there. Just explain to the officer that he is bp and needs to go to hospital. I hope that I am helping you out. If you would like to talk to me please e-mail me any time. I noticed your user name and it used to say someting michigan that is were I live maybe we can figure out a new place for your hubby to go.


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/24/2009 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad this year and it's never easy for anyone. It sounds like you're both grieving in very different ways. You want him to grieve more traditionally, instead of getting depressed and irritable and taking it out on the people around him, and who could blame you for that, but that is not in the nature of the depressed. I would say to take your son aside and warn him yourself that his father is in a bad state, that he does not mean what he says (because he doesn't truly) and to try to let it go. Then I would step up therapy and pych visits for your husband. He needs more mental health help right now to help him get through this slump and over this devastating loss.

As to your own needs and wanting someone to help you for a change -- absolutely, you deserve it. Unfortunately it's not going to come from your BP husband. He's just too incapable of that. So I'd recommend some therapy for you too for a while. Someone to talk to, who gives all their attention to you, who is there just for you, who only wants to make you feel better. It's great.

I hope this helps,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/28/2009 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I am very sorry for your loss.... death is very difficult for any family. It is enough to set off a deep depression for me.

I can relate with your husband seemingly acting as if his feelings are the only ones that matter. I suffer from Bipolar I and have been in a very down state for months... I can barely handle it anymore, I have no life. Just the other day my husband was expressing similar things to me about how my feelings seem to be the only that really matter. I didn't know what to say... being depressed does seem to block out the world around you, feeling bad is my everything.

Hopefully, your husband will be able to get some additional help and it will take some pressure off of you. Best of luck to you.
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