I am now on three meds and feel like the more I add, the crazier I am. I have a sister who is loud, boisterous, obnoxious, type A, pretentious, etc. that my parents suggested I visit to bond because we are so clearly different. I'm 22, live at home (while I figure out how to deal with my recent bipolar diagnosis) and feel very unproductive even though I know that if I have some downtime, spending it in therapy is a productive activity. Anyway, my point: I procured information that I should not have been privy too, but now feel guilty. I read e-mails my sister has been writing to her friends and boyfriend about me. I know it was wrong, but it made me really sad. She describes me as being "quiet", "anti-social", "crazy", "stressful", "anxious" and seems to think that my visiting is something that stresses her out and that annoys her. I get the vibe that she feels some of these feelings, because she patronizes me and thinks of me as her little sister that is helpless and has to be her charity case. We have blowup fights, but I'm the one to bring them up, and I'm the only one that gets worked up or cries. She tells me she's sorry that I feel like she's been patronizing, because she didn't know she was doing it. I'm angry because I've told her several times the behaviors she exhibits that make me feel like that, and she chooses to not change her behavior.
My real problem is that she is telling other people these terrible things about me. She wrote an e-mail to her boyfriend about me before I even met him. It's bad enough that she's thinking these things - that I can't convince her aren't true - but worse that she's putting these ideas in people's heads so that when I meet or see them they walk on eggshells around me too because I'm on mood stabilizers. Even if she doesn't mention my medications, her friends definitely have only negative images of me from these horrible e-mails. Why can't she tell me these things herself ? To my face she says "I want to talk about this, too", "I love you - you're my sister", "I'm worried about you" but behind my back she doesn't seem to care about my feelings but rather how my craziness affects her and her life.
A few weeks ago, I made it clear how I felt about our relationship. I planned this visit to her city was to reconcile. I was under the impression that after I revealed my feelings the last time we saw each other she would think about what I had said. I was planning on getting here and having her initiate a conversation. Instead of starting a conversation with me, she talked to her boyfriend about their relationship and how worried she was about it. She left me alone in a park, with her things (preventing me from going anywhere) while they had their heart-to-heart. I have heard her talk about how she is frustrated, sad, scared, etc. about what will happen to her relationship with her boyfriend, but she shows no interest in my concerns or feelings. She gets more worked up talking about her job than about me and my problems with her. She even asked me if I was still mad (since last we saw each other). That alone tells me that she doesn't care. I don't find it very fair that I am so angry at her (a fact she knows) and she doesn't care at all. She's all hunky-dory even though she's making me so mad. My anger has no purpose.
I can't help feeling like she thinks that somehow my drugs (Ritalin, Wellbutrin, and Lamictal) affect her (horribly skewed and incorrect) perception of me. It's almost as if my feelings aren't legitimate because I take drugs. The only worry she has displayed is a worry that I will hurt myself. I have no suicidal tendencies, and look forward to a productive life once I get my meds figured out. Any worries she has about me, in short, revolve around the idea that she is superior (which I don't think she is, but apparently she does), I am inferior, she is saving me, and I am a weak child that she needs to take care of.
Blah. I don't even know why I wrote this. I guess because someone told me recently - and I think it's true - that you're only paranoid if nothing's chasing you. I had always had these fears (or thoughts) that my sister thought these things, but she always told me she loved me, I wasn't socially awkward, etc. when in reality she thought these horrible things and confirmed my fears. I guess I'm just not sure where my bipolar / ADHD fits into all this. Would I feel like this if I wasn't on drugs ? Is it because I'm on drugs that I feel this way ? Do the drugs let me think clearer thoughts and I'm only now seeing that she has these completely wrong preconceived notions about me ? Help ?