thanks all, i really appreciate the sentiments.
i've been having migraines like crazy lately and they make my delusions and hallucinations 10x worse. I've had migraines for about a year now. so, not so good right now. ugg. plus i have a lot of stress going on...personal stuff. my brother has a brain cyst and his life isn't going so well, financial troubles. My brother and I are very very close but we hardly ever see each other and didn't grow up together..weird huh? We share an incredible bond, so when he hurts, i hurt...it's just causing a lot of stress right now. My father is a big stress in my life too, very long story.
Anyway, I still haven't gotten into see a new counseler, the mental health community is lacking in a major way here. It's quiet pathetic. Since i've been on the Abilify i've been a lot better, like I said before, more regular mood pattern - no manic episodes. But, i've still been pretty moody and angry. I get anger outbursts still...that's the depression I believe. haven't had the major depression since the abilify either...so i'm not going to the extremes now that i'm on the abilify, just doing a regular bipolar i guess you would call it. i dunno...it's kinda weird. i've felt kinda numb and dreamy like, almost like i'm about to go into one of my 'schizophrenic' episodes. that's what i call it. i do them before i go really high manic. get all parinoid and see things and freak out and stuff. go on and on about philosophy...i'm feeling very aware of life again, like i do with that. ugg....cycles and cycles here we go. can't we just have a normal existance??? i'm tired of this cycling. i see the councler on thurs. but it's the jerk guy and i'm going to tell him that i don't want to see him again. i mean i was thinking about that fact that he doesn't even know that i don't like to be called jennifer. i mean the phychitrist i saw knew that after speaking to me after 2 hours and this guy has seen me for 6 sesssions. i'm so done with him. anyway...i'm ranting again. i've ranted like 4 times today on things to boards and such. i need to work, i'm at work and i'm not working.
:( i miss my brother and i wish i could see him. i sound like i'm 12 and i'm really 32 years old. it's stupid. i visited him last week and i hadn't seen him in 6 years. it was only for 3 days it just wasn't enough time. and now his phone is disconnected and i can't talk to him. my husband doesn't want me sending them money so i can't send them money for the bill. :((((((((((
if anyone actually reads this, thanks.