Im a sad panda....

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/25/2009 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all...

I really need some help,

my wife and I have been together for 8 years, married 4.
we have 2 kids in the home which were hers prior to marriage, then i adopted them both as my own.
during the adoption she had to relive her childhood where she was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally by her father and i assume his friends. She also has been unable to identify the father of her oldest daughter. The night prior to going to court and have to admit this out loud she attempted suicide. I was away at my hockey game and came home to find her asleep. It was late i had not thought anything of the fact she was in bed. (she was taking Ambien for sleeping problems also)
I later went to bed, and was awoken in the middle of the night with her babbling about something, as i awoke and tried to figure out what she was talking about i could tell something was wrong. many times she had drank to much with her sleeping pills and really made herself crazy (sorry, but couldn't think of a better term). I could not understand her and could tell something was very wrong. She tried to walk to the bathroom and fell down the stairs, now i know something was very wrong. called her parents and they came and got her to take her to the hospital as there were 2 children asleep.
She had attempted suicide while i was away.
That was almost 2 years ago now, things have never come back to normal since they had diagnosed her as being BP and severely depressed.
she has been taking her meds regularly but stopped the therapist due to financial problems. Which leads me into her inability to hold a job. she can work, and has but seems to get fired. She has totaled her car last summer and hasn't been able to get around easily. I use my car for work and cannot afford for her to crash a third car. Which she did just a few weeks ago.
Over the last year i have seemingly been pushing her and the family away, I am not sure the complete cause of this other than i have been frustrated with her lack of effort in trying to find a job. We both are marijuana users almost daily, we are currently going through foreclosure, making her need to work even more important.
she has been home with the kids all summer, the kids have found a friend they really like and have been spending time with her almost all summer. my wife has been spending time at the friends house on and off and now has fallen for the father of the friend (who is single with custody of his 3 kids). she has told me in time the whole story, that he "listens, and makes her feel good and happy" which apparently i have not been doing a good job of recently. She claims to have been telling me for the last 2 years that i have been pushing them away, I had a talk with our youngest the other night and listened to her tell me she didn't think we were a family and that she didn't feel loved ect. the same thing my wife has been telling me all along (as she puts it) but it was different hearing things from the little one rather than from my wife.
now she has been having an emotional affair with this guy, it has lead to some kissing and other small forms of affection she claims. I have asked about the sex part of it and she swears on the childrens lives that it hasn't gotten that far (yet).
before the conversation with the child, (which i forget to mention that i came out the the children as being a drug user, they kinda freaked out. to put it mildly) I started seeing a therapist and have had a really good opportunity to look at myself in the mirror and realize drug use has been desensitizing me for some time. Since the conversation with the kids about my drug use i have been clean, and plan on continuing to be sober. (she did not tell the children about her drug use).
I have worked things out with the children now and we are all speaking again, i had moved out that night as it seemed my selfish act of telling them i had a drug problem really pushed the youngest away, but we have worked things out after not really speaking for a week. The older daughter spent most of the week away from home with me.
During this time i had asked my wife to decide whom she wants to be with, me or him.
she cannot decide still. he "makes her happy" and she's "not sure i can fix what i have broken" in her heart.

I dont know how much i should continue to fight for her, I love her so much but part of my original problem is that i have been feeling responsible for the suicide attempt, and i feel that she quit on myself and the family. more or less holding a grudge. Please dont get me wrong i have my share of problems, I am controlling and a jealous person all of which i am working on to improve with my therapist. She had begged me not to leave her while she lay in the hospital bed recovering from her attempt and i didn't, even though i despise the cowardly act of suicide (sorry, just my personal feelings). I feel she is just trying to avoid the current problems we are having financially and emotionally by escaping to this guy.
all she does is say that it's my fault, and i am at fault i accept that...but cannot change what i have done, said, believed ect. I can only make things better from here on out.
where do i draw the line?
i am so scared she will do something again to harm herself.
i have talked to many people and they say this isnt all my fault, but these are all friends and family and im not sure im getting a non bias opinion.
there are many more details but my fingers hurt from typing,
please, please....any advice would help me out tremendously

i can clarify anything you might want to know (please dont hesitate to ask any questions, i am an open book at this point)


sad panda....


Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 8/27/2009 7:04:43 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/25/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
one quick question to everyone,
has anyone heard of any free or financial help for families unable to keep up the hefty $50 per visit to the therapist?

we need to both keep going, but no way we can afford this without loosing everything.

any help or advice is appreciated.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 8/26/2009 12:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Jpc.

Welcome to Healingwell. blush

When was the last time your wife has seen her psychiatrist regarding her medications?  Is he/she aware of how she has been behaving? 

Self medicating isn't going to help either one of your right now.  You both need to stop that  especially if you can't even afford her therapy appointments!  You have to  make a decision on which is more important.

You can not blame yourself for when she attempts suicide.  That is something that she ALONE is going through and really needs to be in contact with her doctors about.

She sounds like she is just all over the place with her ideas of her new found relationship and expecting you just wait around until she makes her decision about what she is going to do about.  Possibly she is in a depressive or manic episode and really needs to see her pdoc. How about you make your own decision about it and give her some ultimatums?!! 

#1  She keeps her butt away from this person and starts to concentrate on ways to help you both  try to put your marriage back together.  She can't do that if she is still seeing this other guy.  Geez! 

#2  She and you both need to get yourself into some type of treatment plan of talk therapy for yourselves as well.  She needs to contact her pdoc too!

Gosh I can only imagine what all of these children are going through.  What are their ages?

Have you inquired to her therapist about some type of a sliding scale for help with the cost of her therapy? 

I think that if she can find time talking with this guy, she can find time to find some type of job to keep her mind where it belongs until she can think clearly.  She should try to find a job...a low key one that will keep her busy and help pay for therapy.  Maybe she can take public transportation to a near by job since she trashed another car?

I hope you're ready to start working on putting this relationship back together again too.  I hope its not too late.  But don't allow yourself to be walked all over either.  She needs to poop or get off the pot.   rolleyes

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 8/26/2009 10:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, please do not blame yourself for goodness sake.  I have been sober for almost 24 years and I went to Al-Anon and we learned we are powerless over people places and things.  And we did not cause it we cannot control it and we cannt cure it.  I also learned that I am responsible for my own happiness.  Happiness resides within. I got to this place with hard work! I was in therapy and am in 12 step programs for almost 24 years.  And I am on medication for my Bipolar.  If I did not work on myself I wuold have no marriage.   No amount of affairs or pot will ever make your wife happy. And it is easier for her to balme you for her unhappiness because then she does not have to do the hard work it takes to look within and get well.  Years ago I was only making $14,000.00 a year but I was in therapy.  It was a sliding scale depending on your income.  If there is a will there is a way. I hope you can find somewhere to give you help.  Condratulations on quitting the Pot!  cool    Your doing yourself and your kids a favor.  You will be present for them. At leat one parent will be same. scool Good Luck!  I hope your wife will surrender and get the help she needs.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 8/30/2009 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
amen and ditto to the 2 previous posts. i hope you follow their advice. and good luck!

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/1/2009 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all for the responses,
I have kept myself clean for 2 weeks now (and counting)
I don't understand what she is trying to do...i have been out of the house for 2 weeks (been waiting for her to decide what she "wants to do).
i am about at wits end. She continues to talk with this guy, maybe not as much face to face but im sure the phone calls and texts have been happening, o ya...the $400 phone bill confirms that.
every part of my rational thinking wants to just bail, but there is so much in my heart, so much history, so much that she does for me that makes me want to stay.
i just don't get it....
her excuse is that she can't just leave him cause she has feelings for him, and the kids are best friends mine are 9 and 11 and his is 11.
so they spend alot of time together (the girls) so she "has to talk to him" to make sure the girls are happy.

i drop her off at his house so she can be with him and the girls, what the hell am i doing?
i just got a ticket today for peeling away and running the stop sign at the corner of his absolutely tears me up to even drive past his house, not to mention dropping her off there.
am i going through this crap for the kids?
am i doing this for what once was? or maybe what could be again?

she is afraid to commit to me again cause i was pushing her/them away for some time now, she keeps saying to me that i have been telling you and telling you and nothing i ask her "why didn't you do it different?" if i wasn't listening....why keep talking! figure out a better way...she says i tried for a day or so and fell back into the old that pointing the finger back at her?
not looking for blame necessarily...but i feel maybe she could have tried should I have...
now she wont let me try to prove to her that i want her back...that i am changing...that i am off the crap and can clear my head.

i dont know...i hate to think i am giving up, but i just dont know what else to do.
my/hers/our therapist is telling her to get rid of him, how can we make things work if i am not in the house...she just keeps saying "ive told him for 2 years"

if ANYONE can make any sense of this please explain...

i just dont get it.

thank you everyone for your well wishes, and support.

hope everyone has a great night!


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/1/2009 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
What has she told you for two years? Is she unhappy as well as bipolar?

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 9/1/2009 9:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Jpc,

Congratulations on staying clean for 2 weeks.  Keep up the good work!

I just wanted to reiterate my previous post.  Please read it again.  There are jobs that she can get to keep herself busy during the day and away from this guy.  She is just making up excuses.

Also, ask yourself good questions....Why ARE YOU driving her to this guys house???  P L E A S E!!!!

"  her excuse is that she can't just leave him cause she has feelings for him,"  Sounds like she is taking you for a ride and you are letting her too!

$400. phone bills??????  She's doing more than a "little talking"!

I don't know what you both have gone through for 2 years, and possibly she has just had enough and it's too late for you to try to finally get her attention.  But you don't deserve to stick around for this type of treatment.

Obviously it is making you sick and mad as hell that you are speeding away from this guys house after dropping her off and blowing stop signs.  Next you or someone else might get hurt.

Give each other space.  A lot of space.  It may be time for you to move on.  She needs to get her act together before she can come to complete reason.  Sooner or later this guy will see her true colors too!

Best wishes.

 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
Leo Buscaglia

Post Edited (sukay) : 9/2/2009 12:04:03 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/9/2009 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks all...
i appreciate all the insight.

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