My story (and it's a long one..phew!)

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/7/2009 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm 44 years old. I was originally dx'ed with PTSD and Major Depression back when I was around 26, that was also my first hospitalization for suicidal Ideation and depression. I was coping with alcohol and lots of binge drinking. My relationship at the time was very volatile as well. Around 4 years after my 1st hospital stay, I was stable on antidepressants, (hard to remember what kind, I've been on so many), and working a full time job and married for the first time. That marriage lasted almost 7 years and ended amicably as I wanted another child and he did not, among other issues. I had a son at the time of my first marriage from a previous relationship, he is now 25.

when my first marriage ended, I stayed single for about a year, still working, but started drinking heavily again. Hospitalization again around age 35. That is when my PTSD was dx'ed and it came to light i had been sexually abused from ages 5 to about 12 or so. I met my second husband around age 36 and we married. He is 8 years younger than me. We had another son, who is now 7. I had severe Post partum psychosis when he was 6 weeks old and spent another week in psych ward. I came out of it, we had to move out of state, to my husband's home state, away from my family, 3 hours away. I was here for over 2 years and boom, another breakdown. I seemed to be very medication resistant. It would work for awhile, and then sputter out. I got into talk therapy for the last 4 years and it seemed to be working. So I was able to apply for disability, since I could no longer hold down a full time job, I did have several part time jobs. It took me around 3 years to be approved.

Flash forward to now, and I went off my Cymbalta over 8 months ago. It wasn't working and I am darn tired of switching up meds. I crashed last week, my husband and I had not been getting along well due to to HIS family's dramas and interference and I decided I would rather be dead than have to take my son out of his comfort zone and the only life he has known here or give up custody, as I could not imagine not being able to see him everyday or sleep in the same house with him at night. I know, I am truly codependent! sad So, I woke my husband up at 2am and tried to convince him to let me go off for a couple of days and have him report me missing, yada yada, yeah, it sounded SO GOOD in my head rolleyes

He went in the other room on the pretense of going to the bathroom and called my therapist. The next day I agreed to commit myself. Was the craptiest hospital I've ever been in, the psychiatrist pissed me off and I checked myself out AMA on the fifth day. SO, I have been re-diagnosed as BP II, and put on 900 mgs of Lithium, which is tearing my stomach apart and making me dissociate in the worst way, but I have an appt with my regular Pdoc and therapist tomorrow. My husband is at the end of his rope, and stressed to the max. I feel so guilty for putting him there, and I am actually just trying to stay away from him right now (he's golfing with my son at the moment). We still don't know if we are going to be together through this, as we have alot to work on besides my illness. I am so overwhelmed and sad right now. I cannot believe I am at this point in my life. I was doing so well. I still work part time as a Vet Assistant. I love my job. I don't want to lose my marriage, but my head is so messed up right now, I don't know which way is up.

That actually felt good to just type out. I hope to be able to awake from this nightmare. If I could see a light at the end, it would help me to hang in there. Right now, all is black and cold. I have to touch my pets just to reassure myself I am still alive at times. Or hug my son in his sleep. I don't want his life to be complicated by something that is wrong with me. It means so much that his life remain a constant and stable. How do I do it?

thanks for listening, if you are still there.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/7/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi pearldoor,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the world of bipolar. It's no fun, but we try to endure it together. It is healthy to get it all out, and this is a very good place to vent, get some support and some feedback.

I was hospitalized myself 2 weeks ago and put on lithium, so I can definitely relate -- although I've been bipolar for years now. Keep touching your son and your pets -- remind yourself why we're here. You are loved and needed. Me too, even when that blackness gets too dark to navigate.

Keep writing, it's good to have you!
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 9/7/2009 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome pearldoor,

Serafena said things so well.  Don't give up.  Everyone is different when it comes to medications.  I felt like you one time too.  It took me a VERY long time to find a medication combination that worked for me.

But we still need to be maintained.  When things get heavy we need medication adjustments.  I've been involved with talk therapy since before my diagnosis and still go to this very day.  It's just has to be that way for me still.

I think most of us feel bad for what our family has to go through with us.  Maybe your husband might consider therapy for himself as part of his wellness package plan.  They do have a lot to bear from us and if they are having a hard time they deserve the help too.

 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
Leo Buscaglia

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/8/2009 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I am well aware of bipolar disease and the challanges that finding a good med fit can bring. I know that it is also very easy to feel chained to the meds, and have it affect your self esteem. Many people search for alternate non medical approaches because they feel that they have the power to overcome it on their own. I have seen it time and time again. Bi-polar is known to be an illness which tells you you don't have it. It is a chemical imbalance. Modern medicine, and therapy have given suffers the freedom to live a normal life. Hang in there. You are luck to have such a supportive spouse.
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