Hi OBB- Thanks for sharing your experience with Lamictal.
"Maybe the binge eating is the new you. If that's the case you may have to learn to resist. Drink water when the urge to eat strikes."
The problem is my attempts to resist fail- over and over and over. I've tried drinking water and decaf coffee (which I love) as a substitute for binge eating. I just never works. The urge is SO powerful- unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's almost like it takes over my body. I realize how that sounds- melodramatic- but it's just that strong. And this is coming from someone with years of experience starving herself. One thing I've always been able to do well is starve myserlf. I NEVER imagined being in this position.
My binge urges also come in the evening. I can actually eat very little up until mid afternoon. And then it starts.
Hi Kitt and Serafina - Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm not taking any other Rx meds, other than Ativan, which I've had on board for years as a PRN for anxiety. I very rarely take it and I am certain it's not a contributor to the bulimia behaviors. I take melatonin before bed - but i don't see that as a contributor, either.
I definitely see the severity of the situation and feel like I need help- like this is much bigger and stronger than am I. I feel like it could take over my life - in the blink of an eye. I'm already a pretty obsessive person- I get "stuck" on a thought or behavior very easily.
The problem is that I'm so ashamed and embarrassed of the vomitting behavior. I can't explain how powerful this shame is. I hate everything about it- the ridiculous pep talk I need to give myself to vomit, the dread and discomfort of the act, the awful sound of purging, the headache, shakes and fatigue I need to hide after I purge. Nothing about it is "fun." I feel like anyone who knew would just judge me. Think - "You need to be stronger - just resist the binge eating and simply stop purging." As if it's that easy. I've endorsed that judgement and put it myself- I feel like it's a sign of great weakness that I can't stop the binging. And then a failure after I binge. The purging is the only way to regain a feeling of balance- but it's such a pathetic act. I feel like my Doc would just think it's attention seeking behavior, b/c it's so new for me. I don't think she would believe me.
I've NEVER been a binge eater. I'm 36 years old. My ED up til now has been restricted eating. I've been the master of starving myself off and on all my life. Of ignoring intense hunger. Of staying on a 600 cal./day diet for weeks- no matter how weak or hungry I got. I MISS those days! Why can't I DO that, anymore - at least enough to curb the binge eating??? What happened to that well honed ability to NOT eat??? Where did that go???
I don't know how to ask for help from my Doc. I've already expressed my despair over intense urges and binge eating and she doesn't seem to give it any thought. She's never offered suggestions. I feel like the purging is the only recourse. I don't want to go off the Lamictal- and I know she would be incredibly frustrated if I said I wanted to b/c it's taken SO long to find a "good" drug for me.
How do I ignore my shame so that I can talk to someone????
Post Edited (stella_blues) : 11/3/2009 2:26:28 AM (GMT-7)