New here, not to BiPolar

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Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 11/10/2009 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
My name is Sara, AKA Kit. I have Bipolar type 1 I believe, chronic depression, migraines, and GAD.

I had a few episodes that I don't know what to call. Extreme paranoid delusions of persecution. It wasn't drug induced, I was clean, no prescription meds even. Another time, I knew my boyfriend was trying to hurt me. I couldn't let him know I was onto him.. I spent 3 weeks terrified but pretending that everything was normal. Finally, I snapped, packed my things in the middle of the night and ran.

My Uncle is Manic Depressive. I watched him growing up, saw how my family treated him. I knew I had to hide anything about me that wasn;t normal. I tried prozac, zoloft, paxil, depakote, zyprexa, cymbalta, geodan, seroquel, lamictal, and a few others I can't remember. Nothing ever worked, or if it did, the side effects i couldn;t life with.

Life continued. It went up and down. Parents judge me by my actions, not my thoughts. When I got pregnant by an abusive boyfriend, my mom took me in. She tried to control everything I did. I got a job 9-5 in an office like she wanted. I went back to college full time. I worked 2 jobs at a time. Eventually, I cracked. I couldn't do it anymore. End result, now Mom has my son and I know I did the right thing.

Now a days, I've hit the bottom, or a wall, I'm not sure anymore. I've decided to go back on meds. The last 2 years Ive been housebound for the most part. I refuse to leave the house for weeks on end. I barely talk to friends. I check out the window at each sound. I feel painfully hungry all the time, and no amount of food can fill me. I sleep on the sofa so I don;t wake my husband when I finally do go to bed.
If I let myself, I would find the hidden meaning in every item, action, and moment. I tell myself I'm too ADD to fixate long enough. But I still know that I'm missing something... and I just need to focus harder and find it.

I write long posts to forums seeking help and understanding, and hit the delete button because if people knew what went on in my head.....

Friday I saw a new psychiatrist. He made some really corny jokes, but he actually listened to me. No doctor has ever done that before. They read the chart, look at the types of meds I've tried before, and try to give me the same.

This guy was different. He;s starting me on buspar, aplenzin and using vistaril instead of my usual sleeping pills. We will see how things go.

So I'm here. I don;t post often, I'm too afraid of how people will react, but I need to stop hiding.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/10/2009 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kit,

It's so good to have you. Welcome to the site. Please post as often as you have the urge. Sometimes getting things out in the open helps us deal with them. I'm glad you made the decision to go back on your meds. That's probably the smart thing to do, and you might find therapy helpful also.

Thanks for joining us.
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 973
   Posted 11/11/2009 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
No need to hide here. Seeing others post about their problems gives me courage to post about mine. It's a domino effect.
Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx

Precious Gem
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 11/15/2009 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   
finging the right PDoc is a great thing.  I have been on all the usual meds and could not or would not take them,like you sometimes side effects too much.  I am not accepting dx very well and still have problems being med compliant.  I was just started on Saphris, very new med.  It worked great for a week, then not good, so I increased dosage and then just stopped it.  My old PDoc was very laid back and did not push me the way new one is.  He has made it very clear he is not going to take any of my excuses for being non-compliant.  Maybe he is just what I needed.  Started back up on med andOK today.  Hope your new med regiment works and vent away any time. There are alot of great support people here.
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