What's up with me lately

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 12/14/2009 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
First off I will start with the background that (If you know me) you are already aware of.
Before the winter of '06/'07 I was working full time, my husband worked full time, I had 2 kids in school and 1 at home.  I knew that I would go through mood swings, and that I could have long bouts with depression- But I never considered that I could be bipolar.  I was otherwise perfectly healthy.
That winter depression worked me over pretty hard. I got to the point where I wanted to get injured just so I didn't have to push to be "normal" anymore.  I was so tired of the act.  Just after New Years I turned the point where I considered harming myself. I held on till February before I could no longer "smile and lie" in public.  I was Dx Bipolar by May. 
August of '07 I quit working and became a full time student.  I started getting joint pain by about November.  In Feb (on my 29th birthday) I was Dx with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  After a summer class it became apparent that I was not able to attend classes until I became more stable in the treatment of these conditions.
December of '08 my husband lost part of his income and the stress of trying to make ends meet got worse.  All throughout this time I seem to be dealing with a breakdown of some kind.  I am either in pain, or a bipolar swing, or dealing with the ramifications of one of these things all the time. June of '09 I was Dx with sleep Apnea. 
So, there is the background.  In the matter of three or so years my life has changed to something I could never have thought it would be.
So here I am- Winter of '09/'10.  I have applied for SSDI, but it won't come anywhere soon.  I cannot hardly function at home- there is no way I could even get a simple job outside of the home.  I would loose any functional time at home that isn't enough to keep things going as it is.  I have no way to predict how I will be day to day so I try not to make commitments into the future at all.
My husband tries so hard- and he has given up so much to try to take care of me- but I can tell that he is getting fed up with my neediness all the time.  I know that chronic conditions can take a huge toll on a relationship, and I try not to ask him to do anything I could handle- but he sees that I don't take care of all that is my responsibility and then he feels that he needs to step in and take over.  Then he is doing his work and my work too.
Even with all the treatment of the RA- I still have pain in my large muscles that seems to be unexplained by anything I have been treated so far.  The side effects of the medications are almost worse than the conditions themselves.  I would give just about anything I have to go back to the way I was before winter of '06.  The side effects have thinned my hair, caused me to bruise easily, caused me to have to monitor my kidney and liver function because sometimes the amount of medication I take makes them not work as well.  My ability to concentrate is severely compromised. (My PSY calls it "chemo-brain") I have turned to a gluten-free diet to try to lessen some of the discomfort (and if it works, maybe let me ease up on some of the RA meds).
I haven't been very good at taking my medications the last few weeks.  It has taken me three and a half weeks to take about one and a half weeks of meds.
I feel like I am just getting sicker and sicker and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make it even slow down.  I feel that I might be dieing and there isn't anything I can do stop it.  I can struggle and flail and fight and it is only going to make it a more difficult death.  I am so tired of fighting- and I don't even know what I am fighting.
Saturday night I had written much of this and decided that the best thing for me to do was just take my meds (one step at a time) and buckle down and get back to work.  Not 20 minutes later I fell on the ice at the top of the front porch.  My feet flew all the way up in the air and I landed on the left side of my back and slammed my left elbow hard on the porch.  I hit all 4 steps all the way to the sidewalk at the bottom.
Sure it hurt, but I figured it was just a nuisance.  I slept on Motrin and a heat pad.  In the morning I was uncomfortable, but I got the kids to church and sat down for service.  As I sat through the service the pain in my side and my elbow just got worse and worse.  It was enough to make me cry and make my stomach turn.  I was starting to loose control on my emotions and I wanted to escape both the pain and the worry it was causing me.  It mad me cry all the harder.
I am so blessed that my church family knows me and knows what I go through.  One family took my children home with them.  Another took my car home so it wasn't stuck at the church, and a good friend of mind drove me to the urgent care clinic in our area.
Once they put me in a room by myself and shut the door any control that I had left was gone.  I couldn't sit because it hurt too much, I couldn't find a way to hole my arms.  I leaned my face against the wall and sobbed.  It wasn't even the pain that freaked me out (There really was no good reason for my reaction) but it did hurt a lot.
I had to explain that I had taken one of my vicodin, and why did I have vicodin, and my long list of medications, and why was I acting so strange.  I couldn't stop crying and I didn't want to just pull out my anxiety meds right there in the office while being treated- but I was getting more and more out of control and freaking out worse and worse.  Finally I asked the Dr if it was alright that I went ahead at took it right there.
They did xrays and I didn't break anything- just banged myself up real good.
As I left the office I took more vicodin and went to bed as soon as I got home.
In all the distraction I forgot that I was supposed to drive my niece and my youngest daughter to a "princess Christmas tea party" at the local high-end hotel and I was late doing it.  My mother was peeved when I had to scramble to get my kids brought back home and dressed up and someone to drive them to the party.
With all the meds in my system I then slept the following 19 hours.
I still feel like circumstances are trying to conspire against me.  My luck is trying to kill me.
....took pain meds......drifting off.......will write more later.

^  V  ^
V         V

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/15/2009 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   

You are really struggling right now! I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing, to fall and have to go to urgent care on top of everything else.

The thing that comes through loud and clear in your post is your guilt. You feel guilty about being a "burden" to your husband and not being "mom" enough. You don't have to do that to yourself. You didn't ask for these illnesses and you are doing your best to work against them, despite all the trials you are experiencing. It sounds like depression is taking hold, too.

At minimum, take your meds each day. That's all I ask. I know how hard this is -- I struggle with it too, but having uneven amounts of the medicine in your system does no good, and in some cases does more harm than good. I'd also call your psych, be completely honest about where you are emotionally and the physical struggles you've been putting up with of late, and see if he or she can tweak your meds to help you over the hump.

Please know we're here for you. Write whenever you need.

Take care,
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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