Getting married to a man with bipolar...

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/19/2009 5:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
New here and hoped that I can find out some information and advice from others...
I've been on/off dating a man with bipolar for almost 2 years now. It was a year ago he was diagnosed and we began 'officially' dating probably almost 6 months ago now although we'd pretty much figured out how we felt just waited before we actually got together for it to feel right for both of us.
We now are about to get engaged - he's told me to expect the proposal any day now. We've discussed marriage right from the start of our friendship although obviously hypothetically until recently.
I'm head over heels in love with him and he treats me a lot better than any man ever did before - even with his bipolar diagnosis. I also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which I was recently discharged from after a lot of therapy to work my way out of the spectrum where it can be diagnosed but I guess I realise that I still have a lot of borderline traits and I'm working hard to fight against them and move on with my life. It hasn't stopped me from doing anything at all - I've received a lot of support and am now enjoying life and feeling happy and confident about the future without trying to go to far into my black and white thinking - it's either amazing or the end of the world and in betweens feel hard for me. I'm doing a lot of work to remain 'in between' though and get used to living life seeing it from both sides the good and the bad etc.
Anyways, I've read so much negative things about getting married to someone with bipolar and borderline and it seems that to the majority our relationship based on those two things coming together statistically we're doomed. So I'm here to ask advice and see what gets thrown back my way.
We've considered that he is really really happy right now and despite being medicated it could be a slight bipolar high how he feels so we're not going to rush it although obviously I dont feel I can live my life not trusting what he says and considering if its truth or bipolar speaking. Also... shouldn't he feel that way if he really has decided I'm the love of his life and he wants to marry me? bipolar or not.
But friends and family are obviously starting to put in their two pence about things and its worrying me - we didnt tell ppl we were dating because we are both church goers and I've had a previous relationship where I felt the church really pressured us to get engaged and married and we weren't even right for each other let alone ready for marriage at the time so this time I thought we'd keep it to ourselves until we were sure - only lo and behold tables have turned right round and it seems this time actually the church leaders dont seem so keen and I almost feel want to try and talk us out of it! Also his mum said she wouldnt come to the wedding if he marries me!  - she doesnt know me and has never given me a chance but he's an only child and financially and emotionally supports her and is technically actually her 'carer' at present so I figure she just doesnt realise I would never put a stop to him caring for her and am not nicking him but he needs to move on and live his own life.
He's 30 and I'm 25.
Everything seems great with us - we've had the odd big row here and there but I can still count them on one hand for a whole year - we sort things out when we do row within a few days and just meet up and talk things through calmly after emotions have settled. We have a great time and are head over heels in love - yet it really feels like nobody else is willing to be happy for us.
My family are a lot more accepting and say it's my decision they just want for me to be wise about my choice and they cant comment too much other than share their fears since they havent met him in person yet but even with me stating that we are going to do marriage preparation counselling before setting a date I feel like still people are holding their breaths and waiting for it to fall apart
We've also discussed that we want to find out if theres a legal way to put something in place about our care and marriage should either of us be ill again in the future - he's stable right now and so am I but obviously we realise it's always possible for something to knock us with lifes drama's and so we are going to go and see our doctors together and see if we can find anything to legally prevent us from making any big decisions that would affect each other or future family we may have whilst we were unwell - either of us in a depressive episode not thinking straight and trying to divorce the other, taking out big savings etc - just something that would say we would have to be considered mentally well before we could take any decision like that. Does anyone know if this is possible? As well to say that we would both be involved/informed about the others care should either of us need to be hospitalised in the future?
This is the happiest time in our lives (or meant to be) and yet its feeling so sad with peoples reactions right now. Maybe it's just the shock given they didn't know we were dating or maybe we have a long hard road ahead to prove ourselves to everyone.
But to both of us - we're each others longest and happiest relationship and determined to make it work, if we had problems in the future we'd go for therapy/counselling etc. Both of us manage to live full lives otherwise and maintain friendships etc, both of us work full time - Our mental health (after the therapy - both of us had a lot this year) no longer affects greatly any other area of life...
But if there's any advice or things to consider we havent yet. Please write - All being well we want to be married by June this year so perhaps we have a fight for the world to accept us a couple by then but still hopefully I can reassure loved ones by researching and listening to as much advice as possible and being as prepared as possible by then.
Sorry this is long!!! Thank you

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/22/2009 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to the bipolar board at HealingWell.

I really want to congratulate you on your upcoming engagement. It sounds like you're in love, and know you have a hard road ahead of you. We aren't really set up for spouses/significant others on this board, right now. Here are some resources which might be helpful:

Living with someone who suffers from bipolar disorder presents a set of problems all its own. Here are some resources which might be useful for you.

The following books:

Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston
When Someone You Love Is Bipolar by Cynthia G. Last

The following websites:

Help For Surviving Your Spouse's Mental Illness

Bipolar Significant Others

The Bipolar Spouse

There is also a forum for significant others in NAMI's Online Communities

And one for family and friends at

And the Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group at Daily Strength.

Good luck!
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

O Buddy Boy
Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 12/22/2009 7:56 PM (GMT -7)   

I can understand the point of view of his mother and the church.

I am BP-II and have had the condition well under control for some time now.

{I have edited your post, OBB: Forum Rule #4. No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun off, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and well-being are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat. -- Email me if you have questions, serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/22/2009 9:42:53 PM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 12/23/2009 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Congratulations! Make sure you know all the in's and out's about the disease, which it sounds like you have a good handle on it. Stay strong, and don't hesitate to reach out in support groups. Him having bipolar is going to always be a challenge for you, him, and as a married couple. Each day is different, even if he is on meds, and seeing a therapist.

I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming wedding, post some pics in this group so we can see the happy couple! :)
Come see my YouTube Channel on my struggles with Bipolar:
Read my Personal Diary on Bipolar:

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/30/2009 5:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all!
Well he proposed on Xmas day! it was beautiful...and of course I said yes. He's generally a shy person and did it shaking in front of my mum, bro, best mate and her three girls in my lounge after Xmas dinner. My present was wrapped up.... a box shape and he got down on one knee as I opened it. It was magical and beautiful as I usually am not a Xmas fan at all but now I will love Xmas for all the years to come.
It all feels very surreall still... some reactions have been lovely, others subdued and a little disappointing but hey - I was engaged once previously which didn't work out so I suppose some ppl kinda feel they did all of that with me once already.
His mother also seems to be coming round to the idea - not to the point of liking me but to the point of accepting it.
We start marriage prep counselling in a few weeks - he's organising it and has also saved for the wedding already, bless!
Only thing I have not been able to find anywhere yet is if we can get some sort of legal agreement that would come into place should one of us become ill in future... I guess we may have to go see a solicitor to find out???
Thanks everyone!
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