Bipolar Wife says "I don't want to be a Wife"

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/13/2010 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Good Evening,

My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years.
She was diagnosed with Bipolar before we met, when she was 13 or 14.
After about two years together she began to really dislike sex, it makes her very uncomfortable.
This is still an issue today, however shortly after that started she began to dislike almost all physical contact.
I worked very hard to be understanding and patient, and began to learn to live this way (although very stressful).

After about 5 years together we decided to have a child. When she became pregnant she went off of her medication immediately and has been off of them ever since.
We now have a wonderful three year old son who we both love very much.
She is a fantastic mother. However, recently she expressed to me that since he was born, her feelings have changed towards me and she is having a hard time being a mother and a wife.
She spoke with a mental health worker before telling me this and the worker suggested that she should try living on her own for a while.
When my wife mentioned this idea to me, I was HEARTBROKEN. This happened about three days ago. Since then we have been having deep discussions daily, and she has begun coming with me to see my psychologist as a couple (as I am OCD, Anxiety, Depersonalized).

Everyday is hard for me as I go to work and I cannot concentrate. I am sure that some of this problem is due to my own illnesses (Anxiety/OCD). Today I came home from work for a couple of hours as I needed to talk to her to calm myself. She mentioned today that occasionally she gets these feelings that suggest to her that she loves me very much and she is not sure why she says she doesn't want to be with me. This made me feel better, but at the same time made me nervous as I worry that she will pretend to be alright now just so she doesn't hurt me.

Through our first therapy session my psychologist suggested that she seek help from a psychiatrist and work to get her mood stabilized. In the meantime, my psychologist and her discussed with me things that I need to do for her and things I should avoid doing. I am completely supportive in every way as I really want this to work out and I am hopeful of a brighter future for our relationship. However, I feel slightly abused, neglected and worn. I have been very patient for 6 years as our intimacy issues were not resolved and now I am being pressured for more time.
The one suggestion from my psychologist and her that I am having trouble with is giving her more space to be with her friends. This bothers me because she does not have many girl friends. The reason I get jealous is because I feel like I can't make her happy, so I don't like that others can. I am confident that she is not cheating, and I don't think that is the issue with my jealousy. However, because there is not a lot of intimacy in our relationship, I feel as though everything that we do together she does with her friends too. We don't have any special activities or special moments that distinguish between friendship and love.

I love my wife very very much and desire very much to be close to her again.
I am having trouble staying optimistic, and could use the support of others in similar situations.


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/13/2010 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Husb,

Thank you for joining HealingWell and the bipolar board. I feel for you. You must be heartbroken. Hang in there though. It does sound like she needs to get her mood stabilized, and she really should, before making any big decisions like this.

Let me direct you to some resources which might be more useful to you:

The following books:

Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston
When Someone You Love Is Bipolar by Cynthia G. Last

The following websites:

Help For Surviving Your Spouse's Mental Illness

Bipolar Significant Others

The Bipolar Spouse

There is also a forum for significant others in NAMI's Online Communities

And one for family and friends at

And the Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group at Daily Strength.

We focus primarily on living with the condition for those who are diagnosed with it. You might find more help in one of these venues.

In any case, good luck!
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/14/2010 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Serafena,

I appreciate your quick response and kind words.
I was also hoping to here from someone with Bipolar who could relate to these feelings.
I am having a hard time accepting these feelings she has as mood related, and I am taking it completely personal.

Thanks again.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 1/14/2010 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh man, don't take it personally. Bipolar is such a difficult thing for anyone to live with, whether it be you or her. Her med's, if she goes back on them, will help with the mood changes but they also seem to dull your "self" so much that it's hard to go back on them once your off. She isn't thinking rationally right now. We don't w/o meds but on them we think "slowly". It's a terrible disease
(dis-ease is a better way of really understanding that word). I'm not on any meds right now, due to getting one out of the system before starting another and I'm already wondering if I "need" them. My husband will tell you yes since he's taking the brunt of all my irritability, anger and laughter and believe me, they come in fast intervals. So fast he doesn't know which way is up for him anymore. Hang in there. You certainly are not alone but you also have your own issues to deal with. I'm glad you're seeing a Dr. for yourself. Support is everything.

This is no Social Crisis... Just another Tricky Day (The Who)

FMS, IC, IBS (working on full alphabet) Asthma, Depression/Anxiety and now Migraines.  Let's see what else we can throw into my bag of tricks.

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