Hey there folks, i've got a serious question to ask you all. What are you scared of with this desease?
For me my greatest fear is that the meds stop working and i get worse, worse to the point that i lose everything, my house, my wife, my friends, jobs, everything. Basicly being homeless and completely out of control. That is what terrorizes me late at night.
I joke a lot about many aspects of this desease, and joking is a defense mechanism that helps me cope. Trust me, you will hear some of the best jokes or laughter when you are in the middle of a very scary fire, it helps me cope with scary things.
But honestly, me losing control of my mind and my life is the absolutly scariest thing i can think of. I know right now my meds are working fine and i am ok, however one of my things is that i am constantly planning and looking ahead to what might happen. I do it every day when i roll on a fire or arrest a shoplifter. I think about what might happen and make plans accordingly.
This is very hard for me to type, this part right now is what truly scares me to no end. The way i feel is that i would rather be dead than to lose everything i have worked so hard for and be a crazy person on the street. I cant talk about this to my wife because she doesnt know what this feels like. You all do. I laugh alot, i laugh alot, but honestly sometimes, like right now, i get scared. I'm not scared of much of anything, i have proven that to myself over and over again. But this thought is what scares me silly.
Ok, super serious Bill is ok now, just had a little bit of a moment there. However it should be noted for the record that i actually tried to spell everything right for this post.
Does anyone else out there feel this way also? Or do i need to consider a whole new line of meds. LOL LOL LOL There i go again. Sorry.