So if you've been keeping up with my situation, you know that I've had a hard time adjusting to meds. I spent thursday night through tonight out at my parents house in the country with them and some good healthy alone time, and I am in a pretty good spot now. Thank you all for your help through this very akward time.
After a lot of soul searching and thinking I believe I am having a hard time adjusting to the idea of being medicated in general, and the side effects while annoying, are mostly harmful in that they remind me every moment that I have a proplem and may need to be on medication the rest of my life. It is important to be aware and knowledgable about ourselves, but as a chronic rumenator I need to be able to let the fear of medication go.
This has caused a lot of anxiety. I am learning to think about my own problems rationally, but the hightened anxiety I am experienceing lately has been making this very difficult. Yesterday I cut lamictal in half, which helped ease my mind and helped the side effects. I was not nearly so jittery and hyperactive, though still a little bit for a few hours starting an hour or so after taking the lamictal. Last night I also took kolonopin before bed, which helped me sleep. After researching it I have found that it actually stays in your system for quite a long time even after the drowsiness wears off. I believe this helped my anxiety today a lot too.
My new plan of attack with sleep to try and limit the harder-core meds (anxiety meds, maybe try ambien or such) to the times when anxiety is keeping me awake (it helps so much with the leg movements and racing mind as well) or when I really desperately need to get a good nights rest, but to keep on the clonidine or maybe try something else for when it is not so bad or on the weekends when I don't have to be so rested the next day.
As for Lamictal, I think I was just feaking out more due to anxiety than anything. My nodes are not so tense today and I am wondering if it was just throat and tongue swelling all along, or perhaps the drymouth/throat/nostriles from the clonidine were backing up the cold I had going into all this.
Things are making sense, not seeming so chaotic, not seeming so hopeless when the dark thoughts creep in. I owe a lot of this to you guys and even to the simple fact that writing on this board regardless of who reads it has been a form of therapy. I really want to see a counselor, but my financial/insurance situation does not allow it at this time. Until then, you guys take off the edge and then some! Thank you so much!